SPONSORSHIP ISN'T ALWAYS BIG – stop the presses, this is fantastic insight
— duretti (🗣 dret-tea) hirpa ✨ (@duretti) March 20, 2017
I have a friend who has followed her boss from job to job because he sets her up to be successful. This is what we typically think of as sponsorship. But, it’s a high bar to meet and one that we may not feel we have the power to do.
Women, are the best and the worst to each other. In it’s extreme form, it’s a trope of TV and film. Think Mean Girls, Bridesmaids, Something Borrowed (all Amazon). But in real life, it’s my female friends who remember my birthday, send me flowers after a breakup, encourage me when I leave my comfort zone.
And… of course… there have been the not so great female relationships too. Featuring the classics of backstabbing, vindictiveness, etc etc.
But amongst technical women at least, I find it’s really rare to meet another woman who I don’t think is awesome. Sometimes I’m intimidated, and sometimes we don’t have enough in common to actually be friends, but at least in my experience, we’re usually pretty good to one another. But we could be better. Here are three super easy things that I think make a difference.
Appreciate
I was catching up with a friend recently, and she’d been organising some events and doing a bunch of great things for women around her, and she talked about how no-one had said thank-you. I empathised, there have been so many times when I’ve felt the same way. Or, someone flakes on something they were supposed to help with because they’re “too busy” and you just have to pick up the slack (no, it’s fine, I was just going to stare at the wall for that time period, yay for having something to do!).
A meaningful thank you is so easy. Some companies have internal recognition programs – use them! Or send a nice email to their boss (and cc/bcc them, because managers don’t always forward these on). These strategies are totally free to you.
For the cost of a cup of coffee, a thank you card. Or, an actual cup of coffee and a chat featuring “I thought it was great when you did X”.
Hardly anyone does this. But it makes a huge difference to people. I’ve always been happy to receive such appreciation, but since I started making a point of following up and giving such appreciation myself, I’ve noticed how grateful and appreciative women are to feel… valued.
If you can’t say anything nice…
About two years ago now, I set myself a really simple rule. I don’t criticise women doing difficult jobs. I had noticed that criticism of women was typically gendered, and more vicious than comparable men were getting. So I just opted out.
This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t say “hey, I think you could do X better”, or that if really a woman was doing something egregious I wouldn’t call it out. But defaulting to no, and considering why I made this rule for myself, made me (usually! I’m not a saint) much more thoughtful about it.
Sometimes I say, “I don’t criticise women doing difficult jobs”, which has led to some interesting conversations. Sometimes I just sit quietly – if I think it’s merited. Sometimes I speak up – if I think it’s not. Sometimes I just walk away.
Mentors
I know the data says that women are over-mentored, but I still from time to time hear women complaining about not having one. This has to be one of the easiest things to help another woman out with – I’m sure we all have someone in our network who would be a good mentor for someone else we know. Ask them, tell them why you think they would be great (it’s a complement!)
Finally…
I hear women complaining about the same things, and yeah totally structural inequalities etc, but these are some really very tiny, easy things, that we could do for each other. They are not going to fix the structural inequalities, to be honest I doubt it will even make a dent in them. These things don’t address the underlying reasons why women leave the industry, or the egregiously bad things that happen. But. Brightening someone’s day, or at least making it a little less dark from time to time… isn’t nothing. Sometimes it’s the best, and the most, you can do.
Would love to hear about any little things you do for women, or that you really appreciate when people do for you!
I don’t think we talk enough about sponsors in general, whereas at every woman in tech event, oh, another mentoring opportunity.
I’m all set for mentors, and have enough women who I offer support too that I can’t actively look for more. They are super helpful, but as I observed to the fabulous Jo Miller recently, “mentors give me perspective, but sponsors give me opportunity.” Sometimes we need to stop letting ourselves be over-mentored, stop trying to make ourselves feel better and find coping mechanisms to handle whatever situation we happen to be in… and instead find a better situation.
Sponsors help find that situation.
Sponsors can also be mentors, and they can be allies, but here’s the thing. They don’t have to be. Usually it may be better for them not to be the person you offload all your crazy on – that’s what your mentor is for (or even better! A friend).
And most importantly, they don’t have to be allies. It’s great if they are, but if I think about the sponsors who have done good things for my career of late, at least 2 out of 3 have no idea what a microaggression is. One of them persists in thinking that the grammatical problems of “they” outweighs the problems of “he”. Obviously I disagree with him on that point, but I also think that for me the good things that he’s done outweigh that particular issue.
Ultimately, sponsorship looks like this. There’s an opportunity, and a white dude wants it, because there is always a white dude that wants it. But the sponsor advocates for the woman, or other marginalised person, who they believe will be better at it, who deserves this opportunity.
It’s not that white dudes have what they want, and other people get what’s left over. Because what is left is mostly junior, and often thankless positions (see also: the Joan of Arc CEO). Sponsorship is about having power, and using it to advocate. White men have been doing it for each other all along. They don’t have a special word for it, because for them it’s mostly just “going to work”.
And I think this is the hardest part for managers in the tech industry to grasp, however enlightened. Is that diversity means that if white dudes have to start competing with the rest of the population, it won’t always “just happen” that they are the best for the job. Sometimes they won’t be. Maybe, they never were.
A woman, or other marginalised person, will be instead.
Note: like many such things in the tech industry, women have it bad, but other marginalised groups (especially as one of my friends puts it, “multi-norities”, e.g. women of colour) have it much worse. One advantage white women have in this situation (of many) is they sometimes remind older white men of their daughters.
Rise (Amazon) is focused on helping you become CEO. As a result I found some of it a bit overly-ambitious for me. But – it contained some really great advice.
1. Ruthless Priorities. You have too much to do, but hey – don’t we all. The trick is to decide what’s critical and do an outstanding job on that, rather than a mediocre job on everything. It’s important to pick the right things to prioritize ruthlessly – the things that make a huge difference.
2. Work smarter, not longer. If your answer is to throw hours at everything, you’ll never scale up.
3. Mentors. This was probably the biggest insight I got from the book, and it made me think “I’ve been doing all these things that will benefit other people, but when did I last make time and prioritize someone mentoring me?” – it motivated me to set a time with one of my mentors and after a fabulous evening of delicious food and horizon-expanding conversation, I left with some key ideas and a contact that will help me move things forward, but more importantly – feeling inspired and energized and ready to go!
Overall, a useful read if you want some strategies and reminders for moving forward on your personal development and crazy goals.
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