Some time ago, Derek wrote this amazing post titled Needs More Whitespace. I was thinking about it lately because it seems like things are so hectic, and no sooner does one thing end than another begins – I got back from California, was on a panel, my boyfriend moved to Canada, then my friend moved here from Edinburgh 3 days later and is staying with us, I went to Toronto and gave a talk, I switched teams, we announced AF KW. Next week I’m going to Ottawa, and climbing the CN tower, and there’s a paper deadline – I meant to reformat and add some stuff to my last paper and resubmit. Who knows how that will go. My new team is headed to California next week and wants me to go. I managed to say no – aside from everything I already have on next week and the stubborn inability of my body to be in multiple places at once, I have the ultimate excuse right now, visa issues. It looks like things will be fine now but I’m likely going to be unable to leave the country for a little while. That has been stressful, too.
I am so tired that my fantasies feature hanging out in my pajamas and not speaking to anyone. It feels like, if things could just stop, for a moment, and I could catch my breath, things would be OK.
Not. Enough. Whitespace.
I keep writing, again and again, the same post, that this is no way to live. So strung out. Completely overcommitted. And then I get my breathing space, appreciate it briefly, and take off again. Until next time.
It seems so easy, when things are calm. Have a routine! Stick to it! Prioritize things that keep you sane! Delegate! Say no!
And yet, here I am again, feeling like I’m being crushed. Unable to decide whether I want most to cry, or to sleep.
So – no grand plans or resolutions. Just an acknowledgement. Have taken on too much. Again. Feel completely strung out. Again. Exhausted. Again. Questioning whether it’s all worth it. Again.
I’m reminding myself that thus far, it’s invariably been worth it. And so I’m heading to the gym to train for that tower climb – it’s more productive than crying myself to sleep, afterall.