Accidentally in Code

Tag: whitespace

  • Success Metrics for Being Lost

    Success Metrics for Being Lost

    and who knows what you could become
    Credit: flickr / Andrew Russeth

    For the last week I’ve been thinking that I should post some kind of “this is how my break is going!” update. OK, more than the last week, I had some thought of doing one every week but the poor internet in Bali was a handy excuse to scratch that.

    But I’ve struggled to have some idea of what to write. How’s it going? Well, my shoulders are no longer up around my ears. People tell me I look more relaxed. I finally think I look more relaxed. I wrote some code for fun. I read a lot of novels. I made time for yoga classes. I spent quality time with my friends. I had another post on LifeHacker.

    So much of what I’m getting from this is distance. Distance from this stupid, misogynistic industry and the navel gazing circle jerk that constitutes “innovation”.

    I was so tired of the gas-lighting, the misogyny, the pointlessness of so much of what technologists create – what are we doing? As an idealist, I signed up to make the world a better, more equitable, place, a more interesting one, at the very least. And I read the tech news, and just think “is this it?”

    New feature on apps that I use that I’m most enthused about? Retry when send fails, helpful in places where the internet sucks. I don’t think it even featured on the release press. Know how long it took? Too freaking long.

    And the finger pointing on all the stats to make it somehow not the fault of that place. No women in industry! Blame the universities. They are all culpable. If it didn’t suck so much to be a technical woman, there would be more of us. The numbers don’t lie.

    Anyway, I read my twitter feed in the morning and I’m despondent about it, and sad for my friends, and then I go away from it and take a break, because this is not, currently, my life. It just will be again, soon.

    How do you quantify that?

    How do you quantify, measure, the benefit of just being purely sad to leave a place and people I loved, even as I know it was the right decision? The relief I felt knowing that sub-optimal situation over, fades, and I can just be sad about all that was good, amazing, even?

    Is there some benefit to having space to look at a situation and go, wow, that was making me miserable! Really miserable! Why was I going along with that, thinking that there was some benefit that was going to be worth it? Even if it came, never when they promised, it was never going to be enough!

    And how about the things that I’m failing at? Completing, afore mentioned coding for fun. Failing to write more things that really challenge me. Failing to post the things that I have written, that I’m afraid to post. Failing to finish the stack of half-written blog-posts in my notes folder. Failing to even open the file for that project that I swore now I was ready for, would make time for.

    Failing to accept that I’m probably going to have to live in London, and doing research on whether it’s viable to Air BnB a flat in Paris and commute by the Eurostar (it’s not).

    So I came up with a plan – I would do an hour’s “work” in the morning, and in the evening I would have cross a task off my todo list (thereby balancing time to do open-ended things with actual, completing of things). And it worked, for a day, and then I walked well over 10k and was too exhausted and just went to sleep instead.

    Fail.

    Although, I have a todo list again. This is new, for a long time I was just so stressed that I wouldn’t need one – I didn’t really use a list – no need, it ran through my head on repeat. Because the next most important thing was almost always clear.

    This gap, is my whitespace. Success metrics, fail metrics, whitespace shouldn’t have them. This is life, learning to feel alive, and interested, and curious, and optimistic again. Measurement is somehow meaningless in the face of that.

    In two and a half more weeks, I will walk back into an office again, and the only thing I’m sure of is that I should wear my black wedge LK Bennet ankle boots, the ones with the four inch heel. OK, I have a vague idea of the outfits I’ll pack (theme is black, will mix in some grey) and I’m not sure which Michael Kors handbag will be best – purple or black?

    I don’t know where I’ll stay (better get on that).

    And I don’t know how I’ll feel – ready? Optimistic? Energised?

    This is my time to be lost. To not know what to do. Maybe by the end of this break I’ll have it figured out, and maybe I won’t. Maybe what I’ve come up with will be right, and maybe it won’t. The only metric that matters is – do I feel like it was worth while? Am I glad I took this time?

    Yes. Yes. Yes.

  • Enjoying Some Whitespace

    Enjoying Some Whitespace

    needsmorewhitespace
    Credit: Katherine / miaouaf.net

    I’ve been enjoying the long weekend and getting some much needed whitespace. I hope you have too. Thanks to Katherine for the awesome picture – I adore it!

  • Doing Too Much

    Doing Too Much

    This is Today (20/366)
    Credit: flickr / 427

    The other day, one of my friends tweeted about taking on too much and feeling overwhelmed. A mutual friend tweeted that he should speak to me.

    I guess I’m becoming known for that taking on too much, getting overwhelmed, crashing thing I repeat ad nauseum. Hmm. I have noticed a pattern where friends start noticing that I’m taking on too much and I’m like, “naah, this is how I live!” or “yeah this week is hectic but things are fine”. And shortly after I get sick and I think, “hmm, X was right”. Vow to be more effective in future, to say no, to prioritize better.

    Maybe I’m doing those things. I’m definitely trying. But each successful strategy just makes me take on more stuff, so that I’m always at capacity, and pretty often feeling overwhelmed. For example, I delegated, prioritized and then as I was feeling more chilled out about things, after the 3rd or 4th email I thought it would be a good idea to climb the CN tower. Two months away seemed ages and I figured it would be a good challenge. Of course it falls in a “hectic” week where I’m also travelling to Ottawa and a few days post-climb I’m throwing an InsufficientCateTimeException. Guzzling painkillers and being my own heater as I don’t have time to be sick right now. I say it’s just a bad week for it – but let’s face it, every week is bad. I could schedule something with a month’s notice, maybe.

    Doing less is not an appealing option, though. The reality is, I love my life and I love having lots going on. I’d just like there to be more hours in the day. Then I could fit everything in, and have time to watch Desperate Housewives. For me, it’s about maintaining that balance between hectic but motivated by how much is going on – and overwhelmed. I hit overwhelmed at about 20% above impossible. Anything below 80% of impossible for too long and life becomes boring.

    I think the answer is an evening a week of what I call Cate Time. Cate time involves working out alone, novels, movies, tv shows, copious amounts of tea and edamame, and not speaking to anyone (I’m always amused when people think I’m really extroverted, I’m so ambivert – it’s just almost no-one sees me when I’m on an introverted phase). I need it to function socially, and to be creative. In my feedback for this quarter one of my colleagues suggested that I start blocking off “make time” in my calendar. I used to do that. It didn’t work for me, as what I need to see in my calendar is blank space – whitespace. I need it to function, and so I make sure it’s there during working hours, or I change my working hours to find it. I just haven’t been doing that in the evenings lately.

    Perhaps fortunately, a snow storm scuppered my plan for Sunday and I got a personal snow day. There was no edamame, and no gym (sore throat). But there was a lot of tea, several books, and a good amount of whitespace. Things seem surmountable, again.

    Ideas

    • Stop borrowing from my Cate Time. It’s important. If I’m busy four nights during the week, I’m busy all week.
    • Crazy idea –  allocate a week a month where I don’t agree to do anything that is not being a software engineer. I.e. no lunches, no events. I’ll add an event that says “DNS – Cate is anti-social this week”.

  • Insufficient Whitespace

    Some time ago, Derek wrote this amazing post titled Needs More Whitespace. I was thinking about it lately because it seems like things are so hectic, and no sooner does one thing end than another begins – I got back from California, was on a panel, my boyfriend moved to Canada, then my friend moved here from Edinburgh 3 days later and is staying with us, I went to Toronto and gave a talk, I switched teams, we announced AF KW. Next week I’m going to Ottawa, and climbing the CN tower, and there’s a paper deadline – I meant to reformat and add some stuff to my last paper and resubmit. Who knows how that will go. My new team is headed to California next week and wants me to go. I managed to say no – aside from everything I already have on next week and the stubborn inability of my body to be in multiple places at once, I have the ultimate excuse right now, visa issues. It looks like things will be fine now but I’m likely going to be unable to leave the country for a little while. That has been stressful, too.

    I am so tired that my fantasies feature hanging out in my pajamas and not speaking to anyone. It feels like, if things could just stop, for a moment, and I could catch my breath, things would be OK.

    Not.        Enough.        Whitespace.

    I keep writing, again and again, the same post, that this is no way to live. So strung out. Completely overcommitted. And then I get my breathing space, appreciate it briefly, and take off again. Until next time.

    It seems so easy, when things are calm. Have a routine! Stick to it! Prioritize things that keep you sane! Delegate! Say no!

    And yet, here I am again, feeling like I’m being crushed. Unable to decide whether I want most to cry, or to sleep.

    So – no grand plans or resolutions. Just an acknowledgement. Have taken on too much. Again. Feel completely strung out. Again. Exhausted. Again. Questioning whether it’s all worth it. Again.

    I’m reminding myself that thus far, it’s invariably been worth it. And so I’m heading to the gym to train for that tower climb – it’s more productive than crying myself to sleep, afterall.