Accidentally in Code

Tag: stress

  • My On-Going Delusion About Being Human

    My On-Going Delusion About Being Human

    Robot Girl
    Credit: DeviantArt / Daydreamer6123

    I have, and have had for years (I’ve written about it again and again from either side of thinking I’m going mad), this on-going delusion that I should be super-human. That I should be killing it at work, on my side projects, working out like a crazy person, having an active social life and a functional relationship that is actually going somewhere, whilst living in a beautiful spotless apartment and dressing fabulously!

    I’m not sure that I’m doing great at any of these things right now. In fact about a month ago I decided to just give up dating for 6 months. This has freed up a bunch of time and emotional energy – it’s a good decision for me right now. I’m focusing on Cate.

    So I’m talking to one of my friends about how hard it is to figure out habits, and how thrown my habits are by this latest move. And how I feel pulled in all these directions, there is a show I really want to see and tonight is the last night, and there’s a piece of work I need to finish, and I need to weight train more and there is a class I could take but I’m not sure I can do that either and meanwhile my shoulder is really sore from the yoga class I did yesterday and just how do I possibly fit it all in. And commute. And deadlines. And job more emotionally demanding because I’m more optimistic and engaged in what I’m doing and I hadn’t quite thought of that.

    Meanwhile I moved back thinking I could spend more time with my family, but had a completely serious conversation with my parents about whether it was feasible for me to meet them in Dubai in a couple of weeks. Because otherwise I’m unlikely to see them until April.

    Really, I’m just not good at the day to day logistics of life. I am late filing my taxes. I don’t book my own travel anymore, and there are plenty of reasonable reasons for that, like when I do crazy trips with multiple stops you basically have to have a travel agent, but the real reason is that booking travel can be viewed as an optimisation problem… but you can never really solve it. Because that flight can be delayed, or cancelled, or something horrible can happen, and voila, no amount of advance thinking helped at all. So it’s better just not to worry about it too much, lay out my parameters, have someone else deal with it, and then just live with whatever they come up with.

    And I’m too prone to seeing life as an optimisation problem. And there are these aspects to maximise, and then these constraints. Like, the best way to get a good workout in is to do it in the morning. But, getting in early to work makes me so much more productive. Pick one. I can work on side projects and do a long workout at the weekend, but if I workout first I’m sometimes to be too tired to do any. Only one can be the top priority. The way to get up early is just to do it, be tired and deal, but I spend all day staring at a screen and too little sleep isn’t just being tired, it’s also spending the afternoon with a horrible headache. Not today, please.

    And so I create these arbitrary rules. Like, only eat sandwiches at the weekend. Only watch TV at the gym. Do something cultural every week. 5 positive things around the house for every 5 chapters of a book.

    These rules, ingrained, work really well. Only I got the flu, and then I took a trip. And voila, everything fell apart. I started watching TV at home, and overwhelmed by the grocery store self-medicated with bread. And I got into work later, having not worked out, because I was so exhausted. And the more I felt like I was failing at every aspect of my life, the more I wondered why I was trying with anything at all.

    The thing about habits, is they can disintegrate so quickly. Even a short trip can throw me right off, if I have terrible jetlag and I’m exhausted everything feels like a catastrophe (talking to my friend, I realised that my messed up sleep schedule is the root problem for at least two things I’m failing at). Meanwhile, I pack out my schedule – as I write this, the following week I have plans Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, an 8pm meeting on Thursday, and on Friday I’m supposed to be in Manchester.

    (Not that I’ve figured out a hotel or a train to Manchester at this point. Logistics are hard.)

    Even when all habits fall apart at once, you have to build habits up bit by bit. So last week, I got a reasonable amount of cardio and one yoga class in, and I was mindful about what I ate in the evenings, despite feeling exhausted (always harder). I dealt with a bunch of personal email, and made a significant amount of progress on The Project. This has to be a win.

    Next week, I’ll focus on fixing my sleep schedule, and finishing up this section of The Project. If these are under control by next Sunday, I’ll view that as a win.

  • The Difference Between “Relaxing” and “Being Relaxed”

    The Difference Between “Relaxing” and “Being Relaxed”

    Relaxed kitten - 3 by johntgr
    Credit: DeviantArt / johntgr

    I live this somewhat frenetic life, but despite all my country hopping over the last few weeks… this has been a relaxed time for me. As a result, I realised something – being actually relaxed, feels very, very different from relaxing. Perhaps I’ve just been completely obtuse here, but it was something of a revelation to me.

    It’s the difference between having a massage to get my shoulders down from around my ears and… never having them up around my ears to begin with.

    Weirdly, I noticed it when walking past a cupcake bakery in Canada. And I thought, “Oh! I used to love that place. A cupcake would be a really nice treat.”

    And then I thought – wow, I don’t think I am prone to stress eating but that is dramatically different to how I normally think about cupcakes. Which is more, “Argh I’m having such a stressful day, and why the hell is… oh! Free cupcake”. Or, “Great! Time for some Cate-time, I’m going to do body pump, and then I’m going to have some lunch, I’ll go to that sandwich shop, oh I could have a cupcake, and then I’m going to do some cardio… then… do I have my swim gear?”

    Which actually, when I think about it… looks a lot more like stress eating that I thought.

    In Real Life, I try and so something just for me every day, whether it’s reading some of a novel, or spending some time on the cross trainer with whatever TV series I’m currently watching. In my break from Real Life, that hasn’t been a conscious effort – every day is something just for me, I planned it this way.

    And the result is… I have actually been relaxed.

    (Note – all things are relative. Compared to my usual self. Strangers might still find me distinctly type-A about a lot of things.)

    And the result is, I no longer feel compelled to do things – eat cupcakes as an example, but also, massages, beauty treatments, novels devoured whole, prescription meds – to help make me relaxed. I don’t need the help, or the compensation for the stress of Real Life, because I’ve opted out of it for a while, and it feels amazing.

    Right before I left Sydney, one of my friends and I were talking about how as tech workers, we make great salaries, but how much of them do we spend on ways to compensate for the level of stress we are under? Flying to North Korea, rather than just spending the day at the beach to unplug. All afternoon and hundreds of dollars at the spa rather than just a facemask at home and then a movie. All because I will show up to an event on my calendar that I’ve paid for, but don’t carve out time for the small things either because I prioritise more stressful activities, or because they seem insufficient.

    And obviously, I’m going back to the Real World, but at least I know what this feels like. And I have a better idea of how much of my outgoings are me paying my soul compensation for having to live there.

  • Emotional Roller coasters, and Being Less Neurotic

    Emotional Roller coasters, and Being Less Neurotic

    Coca-Cola Thrill Ride
    © Copyright Carol Walker and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

    It has been a crazy couple of weeks. The highs have been… high. The lows have been… low. Some of the highs and lows have come with associated “I don’t suck as much as I thought!” and “argh I’m an utter failure” emotional turmoil. Some have just been happy. Some have just been really, really sad. And so I haven’t been writing, because it seems like the thing that is on my mind, I’m not ready, or willing, or able to share. And yet, every couple of days that thing changes. I’m overjoyed… then a few hours later I’m in tears.

    Which makes it sound like I’m going insane. I’m not. It’s just life has been… eventful.

    I got my review for the quarter, and it was good. And then I went off to the Grace Hopper Celebration. Where as last year, and at every conference for women, these themes emerge. A big one being – self doubt. Feeling like you’re not good enough, smart enough, hard working enough.

    And I get that a lot. I felt inadequate when I started, I felt inadequate all over again when I switched teams. I felt inadequate for… other reasons, and then I was anxious about how my review would be because I had switched teams mid-quarter, to my third so far.

    But I’m happier, my new team is awesome, my (original) manager is great, and I’m getting the things I wanted; responsibilities I was looking for, the kind of thing I’m excited to build, support from my lovely teammates. It’s good. My review was fine. I’m in a good position.

    And so at GHC I realize how much nervous energy I was expending on being anxious. And maybe, after my toughest quarter yet, I should acknowledge that I’m doing OK, and if I keep doing what I’m doing for a while, I’ll make it to the next place I want to be.

    One of the other themes that comes out, is about working smart not just working hard. Which is ironic, because one of the things I’m prone to beating myself up about is feeling that I don’t work enough. I work a very reasonable 35-45 hour week; I’m pretty ruthless about carving out the time I need to create, and write code, and pretty realistic about when I’m done and just going home. I don’t tend to hang out at the office.

    The other thing I realized – is that that is okay. If at this point in my career I feel I need to work a 50+ hour week in order to keep up, how do I progress?  If I could easily work an extra hour a day without hating my life, surely that’s a good thing? When I need it, that hour a day will be there.

    Until then, I can spend it… reading novels, in the gym, writing, running things like Girl Geek Dinner…

    I’m sure this won’t be an overnight change, but I’m trying to take a deep breath and stop beating myself up. I’m doing okay.

     

  • Trying To Be Everything

    Trying To Be Everything

    Is the #chalkmug half empty or half full?
    Credit: flickr / Austin Kleon

    It was inevitable, the amount I’ve been flitting about, and the number of bugs that have been going round, but Thursday last week I came home early and pretty much keeled over. I barely got up for 3 days. Monday I got up but I was berating myself for being so lazy, annoyed at myself for having no symptoms left but still feeling so utterly unable to do anything.

    The following day I woke up feeling amazing. Like, “wow I was sick, this is me normally”. After a great and productive morning I went out for lunch instead of eating at work and shortly after was ill some more.

    So I was sick for 5 days and when I was finally feeling better I got food poisoning. A day later I am still feeling rough (and irritated!). But, more than anything, overwhelmed and behind with everything. Travel has this week and next being four day weeks, which is stressful. I’m also giving four talks this month, which is insane.

    I feel pulled in every direction – trying to be good at my job, trying to contribute to the community, trying to be interesting, trying to be healthy and keep working out, trying to make time for my friends and my boyfriend.

    It feels like I’m failing at every one of these things. I did pretty well the other week – 5 workouts (3 at 6am), dinner with a friend and mentor, girl geeks, lots of code produced. But of course the following week is an utter fail and at this point it’s got to a feeling of, “what’s the point? I’ll try and sort my life out – again – when I get back.”

    The irony is, this next trip is to Seattle, where my friend and I will talk about “Secrets of Superheros”. We’re talking about the people we admire, who achieve a lot, and strategies for being a superhero too – or, more likely, realizing you already are.

    During that one (rare) good week, someone asked me how I contrive to do everything. I told her it was by not responding to email. It’s like, yeah, you see me doing something useful, but there’s a lot slipping through the cracks.

    And yes, my inbox is out of control. But getting everything in is always a challenge, and there are always things that I don’t manage to do. It’s the trick of the one positive thing, I guess. Saying, yeah, I’m stressed by the long list of emails I should respond to but I’ll dash of a quick reply to this one that is most bugging me. Shrugging off the fact that last night I ended up working late and then reading a whole novel, and managing to do something productive this evening in spite of it. Leaving the office at 5 to make it to one spin class this week, because one is better than nothing.

    Yesterday might have been a disaster, but there’s always something you can do today that will make today at least slightly less of one, so don’t write it off as hopeless. Do it.

  • How Not To Get Things Done

    How Not To Get Things Done

    Twitter Error Message
    Credit: Flickr / programwitch

    I have had a pretty appalling week in terms of the difference between what I wanted to achieve, and what I did achieve.

    Things outside my control:

    • Re-aggravating shoulder injury. So much pain. Increased sleeping due to pain killers. Two trips to chiro (feeling a lot better now – finally).
    • Car is broken and needs a bunch of work, so we have to decide – do we buy a new one?
    • Server issue on something I was working on sent me down a rabbit hole where I assumed it was my fault.
    • Hotel sent me away with someone else’s bill (turns out, you can’t use that to do your expense report).
    Things I planned/did badly:
    • Did not plan for a 4-day week (supposed to be on holiday today. Instead I will try and do a couple of hours work whilst packing).
    • Did not plan for sorting things out in order to go away. Including – checking everything for an event we’re running the week I return.
    • Did not plan for coming back after a week away.
    • Agreed – in fact, suggested – that I should go back to New York for two days, the week I get back.
    • Got overwhelmed and panicked.
    • Did not break what I was doing up well.
    • Did not say no. The biggest stress has come from working on something for my old team. A series of events have meant that I wasn’t able to make much progress on this until Monday afternoon. I’ve been stressed by and resenting that what I’m doing is some way away from the circumstances I agreed to. Could also have postponed a couple of meetings.
    • Prioritized that over the one thing that I really hoped to achieve for myself and my new team this week – getting readability.
    • Broke my email once a day as I tried to get through the backlog before I go away. Probably necessary, but could have structured it better rather than just going to email “between” things or instead of thinking about what to do next.
    Things that worked well:
    • Broke things up better once it was apparently that someone else was going to have to finish what I started.
    • Was transparent about what I wasn’t going to get done to my new team.
    • Have amazing colleagues who are taking control of the event stuff whilst I’m gone.
    • Spoke to another amazing colleague so she can finish the feature I’ve been working on. Outlining what was happening and how it was working made me feel more capable of doing it myself in the short amount of time left!
    • Very lucky that my chiro was willing to be flexible and fit me in.
    • When working through the evening, (9pm Wednesday, 11pm Thursday) took a break for dinner. Wednesday was just a sandwich and some time with my book, Thursday I went out with work colleagues. Reminded me how much I love my job and how awesome most of the people I work with are.

     

  • Happiness is… A List

    Happiness is… A List

    dancing in the rain
    Credit: flickr / AngelsWings

    For a long time, I’ve been doing this thing where I GO GO GO like a crazy person and then crash. And I always come up with a plan, like “take on less”, or “be more organized” or some other strategy. And these are helpful, absolutely, but at best they seem to result in a different kind of crisis.

    Lately, I’ve been feeling a little burnt out. There are a number of reasons for that, but here’s the big one: I’ve not had more than 4 days off work in a row since I started in January – and that was a long weekend. And normally I’ve spent at least some of those long weekends doing non-work-work. Writing talks, papers, whatever. And I’m exhausted. I want to lie down and sleep for a week, frankly. I’ve booked a week of vacation off for early-September, we’ll be going to Nova Scotia and Price Edward Island with my parents, and I can’t wait.

    But, I’m going to come back and it’ll be GO GO GO again. We have an event for female university students coming up, plus there’s Awesome Foundation, Girl Geek Dinner, and training for… something I agreed to do a while ago and don’t exactly know what it is. A talk in Seattle. And – more travel. When I was less than delighted by the number of trips I was looking to have to make to MTV, I said, “it would be different if I was going somewhere cool, like New York”. Be careful what you wish for! Because I am, in fact, set to be making a number of trips to… (you guessed it!) New York. On the one hand, much better than MTV – shorter flight, no time-difference, a city, and I love MOMA. On the other, I find that travel tends to eat a lot of my unstructured time.

    The point of all this is, I’ve been stressed and unhappy, and thinking about what it is that I need in order to feel… frankly, less like a crazy person. Something I recently said to my manager: “I always meet my obligations. One day I’ll have a nervous breakdown because I’m insisting on doing all the things I’ve said I’ll do, which the people who asked me have probably forgotten about. And that’s how I’m going to die”.

    How about – no nervous breakdown. So I made this list of what I need outside of work to stay sane, which I’ve broken this down into: “most days” and “most weeks”.

    Most Days

    • Exercise.
    • Read something that is not digital (Kindle doesn’t count as digital to me).
    • 8 hours sleep.
    • Leave work before 7.
    Most Weeks
    • Pajama day.
    • Read a novel.
    • Read some part of a non-fiction book.
    • Hang out with friends.
    • Have date with boyfriend (Go out! Somewhere nice!)
    • Read enough stuff online to feel more aware of the world and the awesome stuff in it (measured by: 15 links worth sharing on Twitter).
    • Feel interesting enough/inspired to write 2-3 blog posts (for me, it’s a bigger problem when I don’t want to write, than when I don’t have time to write).
    • An evening of Cate-time.
    • Make progress on a non-work project (e.g. presentation, paper, coding), have an an event (e.g. AF, GGD), or some non-work learning (e.g. App Inventor).
    Here’s an interesting post on dealing with burn-out.

  • 168 hours

    Credit: xkcd

    When stressed, I’m prone to bemoaning the lack of hours in the day. I think if I could just get an extra, say, two hours a day, that would be one more activity I could get in.

    When happy (and for me, happy usually means productive) I reason, “We all get the same 24 hours in the day, and we all get to choose how we spend it”.

    I said this to someone, and she recommended a book – 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think (Amazon). Which I downloaded to my Kindle and didn’t read until… recently. I’ve been on a bit of a kick reading books that I hope will make me happier/less strung out of late.

    I found it an interesting and helpful book, but it has the same problem as The Happiness Project (Amazon) – what does a New York writer with two kids and a wealthy husband have to say that will apply to everyone? The kid stuff was irrelevant to me, and some others were just annoying, like the edict that getting ready should take no more than 20 minutes. Not all of us have naturally great-looking and manageable hair! But there was a lot in it that was helpful.

    For example, I’m prone to thinking that people work more than me and sleep less, but in fact people tend to over-estimate the amount of time they spend on chores, or at work (they think about the days they worked 9-9, and forget about the morning they took off for the dentist and leaving early on Friday) and underestimate the amount of time they spend sleeping, and relaxing.

    She also advocates focusing in core competencies (“broadly, those who get the most out of life try to figure out and focus on core competancies…”), as someone who gave up cooking as it was “inefficient” this is obviously something I identify with! Getting a cleaner, acknowledging the relationship between time and money – paying someone to clean my apartment gives me a chunk of my weekend back, for example. There’s lots of helpful things to consider if you’re feeling time-poor and cash-reasonable. The standard for entertaining as well, is interestingly used to demonstrate how things have changed now it’s normal for women to work outside the home.

    The conclusion, though, is that we need to structure our relaxation time in order to get the most out of it. I tend to become stressed about time because I feel that I don’t have enough unstructured time, so this isn’t that helpful to me. I can see if you work from home then going out and doing things with people might be how you want to spend your leisure time, but working with people I want to spend a good amount of my down time alone!

    Inspired by the book, I actually kept a detailed spreadsheet of how I spent my time in 15 minute increments. The first week I tracked my time somewhat obsessively, the second I was a little more relaxed about the tracking but still more aware of how I spent my time. I used Google Docs for this – it was handy to be able to update from any computer/my iPad or even my iPhone, if you want to try this, you can find my spreadsheet here (it’s not editable, but you can make a copy).

    I know I can’t have more than 24 hours in the day, but what I want is a feeling of time-abundance; to feel less rushed, and less pressured. The spreadsheet was helpful because it made me more aware of how I was spending my time and look at the big blocks of time that I actually found to do things I wanted – like read novels, go to the gym, or hang out with my boyfriend. Half an hour in the morning having breakfast at my favorite coffeeshop before work with my book gives me a space that makes me less stressed and happier – that’s half an hour well spent. And taking time in the afternoon to go for spin class and then going back to work wasn’t as derailing to my happiness as I thought it would be. It was also nice to see how little time I spend on email (people expecting a response may not feel the same way), 2 hours on work email and filing an expense report, 45 minutes of which was whilst watching the video of TGIF (usually I do a little bit of code stuff here too). Both weeks I managed an email-free day, which is nice. I don’t know if this was related, but the first week I was motivated to get the writing I wanted to do done on Saturday, and had a completely guilt free day off on Sunday, which was amazing. The next week that wasn’t possible, as I had to spend Saturday in the office.

    I don’t know if I’m going to keep tracking. It’s helpful because it’s making me more mindful about how I spend my time, but I’m not doing anything with the data. But I definitely recommend trying a week of detailed time-tracking to see how you’re spending your time, and if you in general want to be more mindful about what you’re choosing to spend your time on, then I recommend the book.

    Meanwhile, what little things do you do to create feelings of “time abundance”?

     

    Credit: xkcd

     

     

  • Little Things

    Little Things

     

    Pink, small and beautiful
    Credit: flickr / photogirl7.1

    Currently, I’m trapped in a stressed-not-sleeping-feeling-ill cycle. Where I wake up exhausted, too late to go to the gym before work, and come home with a headache. I’m not sure why this is, maybe the crazy weather and thunderstorms we’ve been having. Or it might be the oppressive weight that I feel every morning – that it is already impossible to achieve everything I want to do today in the time available. Hopefully this will improve when a couple of things are checked off. I’m giving an ignite talk next week, which I’m rather nervous about, and working on an article (more about these coming soon).

    But my project to focus more on little things is going well. So far I have:

    • Been to see a movie at the cinema (Bridesmaids – it was awesome, highly recommend).
    • Got tipsy celebrating something awesome.
    • Got up early for spin class.
    • Napped in the afternoon.
    • Had breakfast in my favourite local cafe with a book.
    • Bought my teammates cupcakes.
    • Watched an episode of Desperate Housewives.
    • Tidied my apartment.

    Not a little thing, but definitely an awesome one… this is my first post written on my iPad, which my lovely boyfriend bought me for my birthday. I love it.

    Coming up: novel-reading, and a pedicure. And hopefully many other things I haven’t thought of yet!

    It’s helping, I think. No noticeable effect on stress-level or sleeping yet but just trying to do at least one thing every day for no other reason than it makes me happy changes the way I look at things, especially how I spend my time (even if only temporarily). I don’t have to be productive all the time, although that is something I need to keep reminding myself!

    So – one week into June, how are you doing?

  • Doing Too Much

    Doing Too Much

    This is Today (20/366)
    Credit: flickr / 427

    The other day, one of my friends tweeted about taking on too much and feeling overwhelmed. A mutual friend tweeted that he should speak to me.

    I guess I’m becoming known for that taking on too much, getting overwhelmed, crashing thing I repeat ad nauseum. Hmm. I have noticed a pattern where friends start noticing that I’m taking on too much and I’m like, “naah, this is how I live!” or “yeah this week is hectic but things are fine”. And shortly after I get sick and I think, “hmm, X was right”. Vow to be more effective in future, to say no, to prioritize better.

    Maybe I’m doing those things. I’m definitely trying. But each successful strategy just makes me take on more stuff, so that I’m always at capacity, and pretty often feeling overwhelmed. For example, I delegated, prioritized and then as I was feeling more chilled out about things, after the 3rd or 4th email I thought it would be a good idea to climb the CN tower. Two months away seemed ages and I figured it would be a good challenge. Of course it falls in a “hectic” week where I’m also travelling to Ottawa and a few days post-climb I’m throwing an InsufficientCateTimeException. Guzzling painkillers and being my own heater as I don’t have time to be sick right now. I say it’s just a bad week for it – but let’s face it, every week is bad. I could schedule something with a month’s notice, maybe.

    Doing less is not an appealing option, though. The reality is, I love my life and I love having lots going on. I’d just like there to be more hours in the day. Then I could fit everything in, and have time to watch Desperate Housewives. For me, it’s about maintaining that balance between hectic but motivated by how much is going on – and overwhelmed. I hit overwhelmed at about 20% above impossible. Anything below 80% of impossible for too long and life becomes boring.

    I think the answer is an evening a week of what I call Cate Time. Cate time involves working out alone, novels, movies, tv shows, copious amounts of tea and edamame, and not speaking to anyone (I’m always amused when people think I’m really extroverted, I’m so ambivert – it’s just almost no-one sees me when I’m on an introverted phase). I need it to function socially, and to be creative. In my feedback for this quarter one of my colleagues suggested that I start blocking off “make time” in my calendar. I used to do that. It didn’t work for me, as what I need to see in my calendar is blank space – whitespace. I need it to function, and so I make sure it’s there during working hours, or I change my working hours to find it. I just haven’t been doing that in the evenings lately.

    Perhaps fortunately, a snow storm scuppered my plan for Sunday and I got a personal snow day. There was no edamame, and no gym (sore throat). But there was a lot of tea, several books, and a good amount of whitespace. Things seem surmountable, again.

    Ideas

    • Stop borrowing from my Cate Time. It’s important. If I’m busy four nights during the week, I’m busy all week.
    • Crazy idea –  allocate a week a month where I don’t agree to do anything that is not being a software engineer. I.e. no lunches, no events. I’ll add an event that says “DNS – Cate is anti-social this week”.