Accidentally in Code

Tag: life

  • Balancing, Integrating

    Balancing, Integrating

    cow up a tree
    credit / http://freeaussiestock.com/free/Victoria/Melbourne/slides/cow_up_a_tree.htm

    I bought my laptop home with me for the long weekend. I was writing code at 9pm on Wednesday night. Last week, I worked Sunday night.

    Sounds like I have a work-life integration problem, right?

    I used to have these strict rules – laptop stays at the office. No work at the weekends. I drew lines around my day, theorizing that if I had a full evening and couldn’t work, I would have a real break.

    I didn’t used to have my work email on my cell phone. Now I do – one of them even beeps when it arrives. I turned it on because I spent a day in transit and another at TEDx and wanted to be semi-available. I didn’t get round to turning it off, and mostly just keep it on silent. It’s not the problem I imagined it would be.

    When I arrived in KW, I didn’t know that many people and was in a relationship with someone who worked at the same place. Since we broke up, and I’ve been finding different things to do with my evenings (even if that is often hanging out on the cross-trainer watching Drop Dead Diva – Amazon). Maybe I needed those rules, as I got over grad school and the constant guilt. When, frankly, I didn’t have as much else to do.

    But now it’s a different story. And, I worked Sunday night because Friday afternoon I took off to do someone a favor – the timing worked well, I got a jump on Monday. Sure, I was working late on Wednesday but I left the office, worked out with my trainer, had a nice walk in the sunshine to pick up some dinner, and then came back to it as my colleagues in Australia arrived for the day, which meant I could sync up with them. And sometimes things are easier to do without interruptions – so after everyone else has gone home!

    At any time, I could turn email off on my phone. But mostly I just don’t bother to look at it. I could return my laptop to the office, it’s just a couple of minutes away anyway. The symbolic separation was only ever that, and I don’t feel like I need it anymore. Besides, I travel for work. A lot. It’s pointless to pretend that doesn’t impact my life – it does. In positive ways, because I experience new things and see cool places, but in negative ones too. It’s hard, sometimes, but it’s a choice – so clearly I think it’s worth it. I just forget that when I’ve spent 8 hours in San Francisco airport waiting.

    I read an article with Marissa Mayer and one of the things she mentions is that burnout happens when you miss the things that are important to you. The thing that if you miss it, it ruins your week. I’m not completely sold on this theory, or perhaps it’s just for me a week with no down-time would be a stressful and miserable experience. But I see the point – I didn’t lose out on anything by working a couple of extra hours on Wednesday night, I felt good about what I got done and enjoyed my chat with the Australian. And it was a free choice – perhaps that is the most important thing. I didn’t have to.

    Anyway, the upshot of all this is, my work and life are a little more blended than they used to be, and I’m OK with this new way.

  • Brightly Colored Accessories for a Colorful Day

    Brightly Colored Accessories for a Colorful Day

    Accidentally bought matching sneakers and wallet this afternoon. I went out for sunscreen, and came back with this, two candles, and extra Biotherm products… this is after I ordered new glasses. One pair are a little crazy, but it was buy one get one free so I figured I would go wild, and when I return from Australia there’ll be two pairs waiting for me. And anyway, I think my insurance covers it (not that I’ve managed to claim anything as yet, but I filled in a form to get a password at least – that is something, right?)

    One of those days where I made significant progress at work, and out in the sunshine I just felt glad to be alive. I love that I get to experience daylight again, since the clocks went back, there’s something very depressing about walking to work and leaving in the dark (and I don’t even work that long hours).

    I feel like during the long months of winter there was a lot of potential I wasn’t exploring. I feel like I haven’t adventured lately. I’m excited, so excited, to go somewhere new. I’m trying to take advantage of things on offer. I’m getting round to things I’ve been procrastinating on, like the dentist.

    Sometimes something happens, and it makes you realize how far you’ve come. This morning I shoulder pressed 24lbs (each arm). Maybe a year ago I was still so injured that I would have been pushed to lift half that. I’ve been working at it. Today it was clear how much difference that made.

    Anyway, some things have been a little crappy lately but overall? Life is good. In less than a month I’ll be 27, and I think, I don’t feel quite as much of a failure as I used to.

    Enjoy the long weekend!

  • Making Time for Cate-Time

    Making Time for Cate-Time

    Hopeless Repurposing of Old Skis, Part I
    Credit: Flickr / Telstar Logistics

     

    On a Monday nights lately, I’m buzzed from skiing. I actually committed to something – an 8-week long, twice a week, race training program.

    This is massive for me, as having taken a trip a month for very nearly two years, it seemed like I had lost the ability to commit to anything. And that was a problem, because it was making me unhappy. I was a strung out, nervous wreck, from travelling too much, having a stressful job (I love my job, I do, but I don’t just hang out in a micro-kitchen with breaks to take the slide all day. I work really hard).

    And, I was making myself more unhappy by considering not just what I wanted, but what other people thought or felt.

    So, something terrible happens and I think I don’t get to be as upset as the person who is closer to it, so I better pull myself together. It doesn’t work like that – people express their “upsetness” in different ways.

    People say “oh you’re so lucky, I’d love to travel that much”, or (more annoyingly) “oh, I don’t get bothered by planes and jetlag myself, I just love it” (when they rarely go anywhere) and I feel guilty, or, angry. Because going to live somewhere for at least a month? That’s cool. Vacation? Bring it. Going to work somewhere else is often just a different commute. A different commute somewhere you don’t have a gym membership. Luckily I know people most of the places I go, but before my friend moved to NYC it kinda sucked – it’s a cool city, love it during the day, but don’t really want to or feel safe exploring it after dark, alone.

    And then there’s the whole, if you’re not 100% happy all the time you should give up working for the man and become an entrepreneur thing. Which, much as I admire and support my entrepreneurial friends, is not me right now. I’m not interested in having my own company. The even more irrational flipside is, I 100% don’t want to start a company, and therefore I must be 100% happy all the time. Even if I’m not. That was getting me in a tizzy. And, the thing is, I think if you love your job you’re not going to be 100% happy all the time. Because things are never going to be 100% perfect. The raspberry panda liquorice that was so delicious, is never seen again. Product managers do their thing. Really smart people are often the most frustrating to work with. I get the highs – the raspberry liquorice, the shipping something an unimaginable number of people use, the incredible learning, the rush when you demo… and highs come with lows. I have that kind of temperament – when I’m delighted, I’m delighted. When I’m frustrated, I’m pissed. It’s easy never to get frustrated with your job if you don’t really care about it. I do, so anything less than amazing bothers me. There’s not much that’s less than amazing, but enough that from time to time I get really frustrated.

    Anyway, I tell myself, all the time, that nothing changes unless you make it change. And so I took a vacation, and skiied and spa’d and relaxed. And then I came back, started working out at the new gym, upped my trainer to twice a week, and registered for race training.

    Here’s the big difference – at the weekend, I do whatever it is I want to do. The weekend just gone I drove to the US with a couple of friends to buy cherry coke, and then on the Sunday I did bootcamp, 90 mins cardio, spin, and went swimming. Yes, I effectively spent the whole day at the gym – I have time to do that again now. The weekend before, on the Saturday I did spin, an hours cardio, and went swimming, and on the Sunday I did spin, 2 hours skiing, 80 mins cardio, and hot yoga. That one was pretty much a whole weekend of physical activity, interspersed with meals at my favorite restaurants in town. Awesome.

    It feels like last year, every weekend I was either, on a plane, lying down because I was exhausted from taking a plane, or organizing myself because I was about to get on another sodding plane. I just couldn’t do it anymore. And the change in my energy, my stress levels… it’s dramatic.

    Anyway, I guess what I learned from all this is to stop looking at how happy or sad other people are and berate myself for imagined ingratitude… and just make time for the things that make me happy. My idea of an ideal Sunday isn’t everyones… but that is 100% OK.

  • Intent

    Intent

    Central Pyrenees
    Credit: Wikipedia

    I’m pretty confident that 2012 is going to be better than 2011. One of the things that makes me sure of this is that I now have Elite status on Air Canada. Airports, a huge source of misery, are set to be less miserable with access to the lounge (or maybe I’ll just get liquored up there so I notice it less).

    But joking aside, during the time in transit to, and from, and in, Europe through much of December and the start of January, I’ve had time to take stock of what I want to be different.

    The first week of the year,  I spent skiing in Andorra. It was really nice to get away and have a break. It was nice to be outside, and active. I need more of that in my life! I also took advantage of the hotel spa. Pretty much my ideal vacation.

    The big thing – living more intentionally. Being less reactive. Designing my existence such that the things that I want to do don’t get subsumed by obligations.

    This year I will travel less. I will do fewer talks. I will go to the spa more often. The new gym opened and it seems like a nice place to spend an evening. I also joined adult racing at the local ski hill and got a season pass.

    This year is set to be my last year in Canada. I want to make the most of it – yes – but I also want to enjoy it.

    What’s your theme for 2012?

     

  • Sim Family Demonstrates Personal Failings

    Sim Family Demonstrates Personal Failings

    Dotty Attie, Backflip [detail], 2009
    Credit: flickr / 16 Miles of String
    Back in high school, my friends and I went through a phase of being into The Sims. I remember one conversation, when my friend said her sim-child had been taken off to military school. I hadn’t known that could happen. She, perceptively, said that she bet my sim-children are all straight-A students.

    They were. And I would max out the money without cheating because my adult sim’s were all so high-powered. And proficient in art (or music). Extremely buff. And nice.

    So now I don’t play the sims, and I think my friend was right – my style says something about my control freakery and pointless quest for perfection.

    That saying “shoot for the moon, because even if you don’t reach it you’ll land amongst the stars” is, despite it’s lamentable grasp of astronomy, accurate in terms of achievements. If I shoot for the gym six times in a week, chances are I’ll make it five. If I shoot for two full features, I’ll likely manage one.

    But in terms of overal being. Where success is defined by certain metrics – lines of code, features, bugfixes, blogposts, visits to the gym… and anything less that perfection denotes complete failure as a human being… it’s less than healthy. I don’t define others by their acheivements, but somehow, for myself, it can seem that is all that matters. I caught myself sabotaging something I was “working towards” recently, and I asked myself – why did I do that? I had no good answer. It’s like I beat myself up for imperfection, and yet I’m only going through the motions because I don’t really believe that I deserve it.

    If I were one of my sims, I would be such a disappointment. But, life is harder to control than a video game.

  • Emotional Roller coasters, and Being Less Neurotic

    Emotional Roller coasters, and Being Less Neurotic

    Coca-Cola Thrill Ride
    © Copyright Carol Walker and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

    It has been a crazy couple of weeks. The highs have been… high. The lows have been… low. Some of the highs and lows have come with associated “I don’t suck as much as I thought!” and “argh I’m an utter failure” emotional turmoil. Some have just been happy. Some have just been really, really sad. And so I haven’t been writing, because it seems like the thing that is on my mind, I’m not ready, or willing, or able to share. And yet, every couple of days that thing changes. I’m overjoyed… then a few hours later I’m in tears.

    Which makes it sound like I’m going insane. I’m not. It’s just life has been… eventful.

    I got my review for the quarter, and it was good. And then I went off to the Grace Hopper Celebration. Where as last year, and at every conference for women, these themes emerge. A big one being – self doubt. Feeling like you’re not good enough, smart enough, hard working enough.

    And I get that a lot. I felt inadequate when I started, I felt inadequate all over again when I switched teams. I felt inadequate for… other reasons, and then I was anxious about how my review would be because I had switched teams mid-quarter, to my third so far.

    But I’m happier, my new team is awesome, my (original) manager is great, and I’m getting the things I wanted; responsibilities I was looking for, the kind of thing I’m excited to build, support from my lovely teammates. It’s good. My review was fine. I’m in a good position.

    And so at GHC I realize how much nervous energy I was expending on being anxious. And maybe, after my toughest quarter yet, I should acknowledge that I’m doing OK, and if I keep doing what I’m doing for a while, I’ll make it to the next place I want to be.

    One of the other themes that comes out, is about working smart not just working hard. Which is ironic, because one of the things I’m prone to beating myself up about is feeling that I don’t work enough. I work a very reasonable 35-45 hour week; I’m pretty ruthless about carving out the time I need to create, and write code, and pretty realistic about when I’m done and just going home. I don’t tend to hang out at the office.

    The other thing I realized – is that that is okay. If at this point in my career I feel I need to work a 50+ hour week in order to keep up, how do I progress?  If I could easily work an extra hour a day without hating my life, surely that’s a good thing? When I need it, that hour a day will be there.

    Until then, I can spend it… reading novels, in the gym, writing, running things like Girl Geek Dinner…

    I’m sure this won’t be an overnight change, but I’m trying to take a deep breath and stop beating myself up. I’m doing okay.

     

  • Keep Telling Me to “Say No” Until I Learn

    Keep Telling Me to “Say No” Until I Learn

    Red balloons
    Credit: flickr / Jakob E

    On the way to Toronto my friend is telling me I need to give up bagels, and I say, there’s enough change in my life right now without introducing more. But that I think it will be better next month. She says, “you always think that; you said that in August, too”.

    She’s right. This month’s major source of stress has been the number of talks I’m giving. But – what have I agreed to in the first week of November? Another one. And at a Catholic school too, when I oppose religious schooling. So now I feel stressed and guilty.

    Then at ONCWIC, someone gives the advice – track your time, noting that sometimes trying to please, and agreeing to something means that you’re not doing another thing that is actually more important to you.

    It’s amazing, you go to these things and you hear the same comments from different people, with different stories behind them, even things you have concluded yourself. And yet – almost every time I am inspired and motivated, and grateful to have heard it again.

    The impostor panel at GHC is always one of the most popular, perhaps because it’s so hard to believe that these awesome women, who seem so successful and together, are wracked with doubt the same way we are. Every year (at least!) we need this reminder. I was talking to an amazing colleague who mentioned the panel, and how much she enjoys it every year, saying it gives her hope that she can be that awesome one day – whilst I look at her and think, woah you are so awesome, I will never be as awesome as you.

    In the same way that reminder is helpful, so is the one for saying no. It is hard to say no. You want to make people happy. You want to take advantage of opportunities. You don’t want to let people down.

    The reminder – if we don’t let other people down, we often do that at the expense of letting down ourselves, and our true priorities.

    Meanwhile, for me, a bet I placed a little while ago has proven successful way beyond what I expected. And I feel a little overwhelmed, like, I know I aimed for this but I never thought it would happen and now it’s reality and… I doubt myself. I’m nervous to do it, but also nervous that this opportunity will disappear. Particularly with so much else going on, I feel like I would have liked to clear the way a little, so I could focus on this and only this.

    But, it never works out that way, does it? When there’s not much going on I seem to have to seek out my adventures, but when life is chaotic adventures are thrust upon me. All you can do is set your priorities and try hard to stick to them. Work hard, but not so hard that you burn out.

    Go and get that same advice again, in the hope that this time you’ll do a little better following it than before.

     

  • Trying To Be Everything

    Trying To Be Everything

    Is the #chalkmug half empty or half full?
    Credit: flickr / Austin Kleon

    It was inevitable, the amount I’ve been flitting about, and the number of bugs that have been going round, but Thursday last week I came home early and pretty much keeled over. I barely got up for 3 days. Monday I got up but I was berating myself for being so lazy, annoyed at myself for having no symptoms left but still feeling so utterly unable to do anything.

    The following day I woke up feeling amazing. Like, “wow I was sick, this is me normally”. After a great and productive morning I went out for lunch instead of eating at work and shortly after was ill some more.

    So I was sick for 5 days and when I was finally feeling better I got food poisoning. A day later I am still feeling rough (and irritated!). But, more than anything, overwhelmed and behind with everything. Travel has this week and next being four day weeks, which is stressful. I’m also giving four talks this month, which is insane.

    I feel pulled in every direction – trying to be good at my job, trying to contribute to the community, trying to be interesting, trying to be healthy and keep working out, trying to make time for my friends and my boyfriend.

    It feels like I’m failing at every one of these things. I did pretty well the other week – 5 workouts (3 at 6am), dinner with a friend and mentor, girl geeks, lots of code produced. But of course the following week is an utter fail and at this point it’s got to a feeling of, “what’s the point? I’ll try and sort my life out – again – when I get back.”

    The irony is, this next trip is to Seattle, where my friend and I will talk about “Secrets of Superheros”. We’re talking about the people we admire, who achieve a lot, and strategies for being a superhero too – or, more likely, realizing you already are.

    During that one (rare) good week, someone asked me how I contrive to do everything. I told her it was by not responding to email. It’s like, yeah, you see me doing something useful, but there’s a lot slipping through the cracks.

    And yes, my inbox is out of control. But getting everything in is always a challenge, and there are always things that I don’t manage to do. It’s the trick of the one positive thing, I guess. Saying, yeah, I’m stressed by the long list of emails I should respond to but I’ll dash of a quick reply to this one that is most bugging me. Shrugging off the fact that last night I ended up working late and then reading a whole novel, and managing to do something productive this evening in spite of it. Leaving the office at 5 to make it to one spin class this week, because one is better than nothing.

    Yesterday might have been a disaster, but there’s always something you can do today that will make today at least slightly less of one, so don’t write it off as hopeless. Do it.

  • Post-Grad Rehab: August/September

    Post-Grad Rehab: August/September

    No Nothinging
    Credit: Falling Fifth / http://www.fallingfifth.com/comics/20070627

    August was about change. I switched projects. We are buying a new car and will hopefully start taking more local trips. I’m trying a new trainer – with the amount of travel I’m doing, I need more flexibility. I’ve been changing the way we do women in CS stuff, and trying to decentralize and delegate more. This is ongoing – something about the back to school feel of fall and having had a much needed break on vacation.

    September is about saying no. I am currently giving three talks in October. Current (tentative) travel schedule has me being away for about 2+ weeks a month from August to March.

    So my challenge – say no. It hasn’t started well, I was hoping to not do a trip (that I’d committed to) to New York this week but when someone announced it to a room of people and made a plan around me being in New York… on top of me realizing that it might be detrimental to my happiness but it would be good for my productivity… I booked flights.

    Anyway, tomorrow there will no doubt be something else for me to say no to. Wish me luck!