Accidentally in Code

Tag: people

  • On Leadership

    photo Follow the Leader
    Credit: flickr / *clairity*

    They call Extreme Blue a leadership development program. I didn’t get it at first, but by the end I did. I also started to see why I had been picked out as someone “showing leadership” – though I have so far to go there.

    It’s around that time of year when I re-read 7 Habits (Amazon) and try and internalize it. It’s become more clear to me over the past few months that this book is key to good leadership, and so this year the take-aways I get from it will be different, for sure.

    I’m not sure I see myself as a leader – more as an active participant in various communities and the debates that surround them. However having read The Leader Who Had No Title (Amazon), that is one view of what leadership is – whatever position you’re in, whatever title you have, you just work to be the best you can be.

    Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box (Amazon) is another book on leadership – one that I found completely changed the way I look at everything. It’s funny, because in a talk based on that one of my friends was irritated because it seemed like we were being given life advice – but having read the book, it’s true that it is life advice – because (I think) this view of leadership is all about being a nice, humble, respectful, and – crucially – taking ownership of the mistakes you make instead of assigning blame.

    This book shows us a world in which we are all, inside our boxes, desperately trying to justify the actions we take that are less than honorable, less than kind. If you don’t want to be such a person, you can choose to live outside your box. You can see others as humans – with their own motivations, fears, and justifications, rather than as obnoxious objects trying to take you down.

    Recently, I did something really hard. I offered to step down from a position I love and that I’m hugely passionate about. If I wanted to live in a box I could complain that this is not my fault – the situation is the actions of someone else. I have the emails that have been sent, I could forward them to everyone. I have some idea of what her justifications are, but it doesn’t matter – I can’t change them, it’s pointless to address them.

    It is difficult not to do this. After the latest trick for about an hour I was just – in shock, repeating, “why would someone do that?”.

    But – what little I have learned about leadership tells me that this is not the way to do that. All I can do is be honest, open, humble – and try to be kind. Accept that I’ve been in the box towards this person and try and be outside it.

    This is a horrible, difficult situation to be in. I try and see those as opportunities to grow, and learn. I don’t like what I’m learning about power struggles, but learning not to respond in kind? That is probably a good one.

  • Being Dispensable

    Maple tree sculpture
    Credit: flickr / pixn8tr

    I heard a horrible story the other day – someone had been off work because they were seriously ill, and a week before they returned to work one of their colleagues called all her clients and said she was never coming back.

    Shocking, right? Bitchy! Horrifying. Disgusting behavior. Hurtful. The last thing you need. If my friend hadn’t come back and her clients had needed to find someone else… surely that is the last person they would have chosen, right?

    You’d hope so. It’s hard to be sure though, and I too have been on the receiving end of something bitchy lately. Disparaging comments behind my back – to my friends! So of course they made their way back to me. And then this person decides that she wants something that I would be in a position to help her with, but instead of suggesting coffee and straightening out these “misunderstandings”… a passive aggressive strategy was employed.

    I hate feeling like I’ve been backed into a corner and if I go one way I compromise my values, and if I go the other I get cast as the bad guy. I hate it. And so I debate what my strategy will be, discuss it with a friend, and go for passive aggressive in return (I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the only way to deal with a passive aggressive, but I still hate myself for it). But something else happens, and it seems like she’s getting what she wanted and I’m annoyed. And frustrated – because when you could get everything you wanted by being nice why, why, why would someone choose the route of the passive aggressive?

    And then – I relax. Good things are happening, and anyway, I’m leaving. And really, I can dislike this person’s strategy, I can question her integrity, but – I have to acknowledge, that if I abstract to a higher level – we have the same goal. I want X to continue when I’m gone and that means someone to keep pushing it along. She is clearly interested enough to be that person – probably resents that I was doing it in the first place. Fine. I’m not going to be on her side here, but nor am I going to obstruct. So it’s likely that she will get what she wants.

    Really what it comes down to is that I’m dispensable, and I’m OK with that. I handed over WISE to someone and I know that she’s committed, but she has a different skill set than me, and maybe she’ll come to have a different vision. That’s OK – I can mentor her, I can encourage, I can advise. But now – it’s her call, not mine. I give up control, but that means I get to move on to different projects.

    Maggie and I just launched CompSci Woman. We have an initial strategy, we have some ideas, but the long term success of it means that we will be dispensable. We will need other people to help us, and we will welcome that as an opportunity to learn, and grow. We don’t want to build a small, steel and concrete structure that we can have complete control over! We want to build something organic that will grow. That means accepting a certain amount of chaos, it means accepting that the path might diverge from what we intended – it’s a compromise people make in order to be able to move onto the next project, the next adventure.

    My manager, a while ago, asked me “how did you come to be you?” – at the time, I wasn’t sure if this was a complement or not. I’ve come to think that it was genuine interest from someone who’s had to learn to be an extrovert. At the time, I answered slightly flippantly, “I don’t know? Two years of boarding school?” – but here is the truth. I am the sum of the people I’ve known, the places I’ve been, and the experiences I’ve had. I have many more people to meet. More places to go. More experiences to have. The freedom of being dispensable allows be to go chasing them.

    I think you can apply this to other things too – as a programmer, you can create job security by building something so complex and poorly documented that no-one else can maintain it (here’s how). Or – you can document, explain, write simple-as-possible, beautiful code and create – if not job security – career security through being visible, and awesome and having learned as much as possible along the way. Doing this properly, you become a multiplier – your effectiveness makes other people effective, and you’re responsive to being multiplied by others, as well. Of course, there may be a risk that you become a sequential prototyper – and I’m aware of that for myself – so as much as industrial research appealed to me when I looked for a job one of my criteria was, working somewhere where something I build will be deployed.

    I don’t have a goal in mind, I’m not trying to build a solid structure – I’m trying to create a path. This blog is my trail of breadcrumbs, if you will. Disappointments are just obstacles, and so I find an alternative route.

    I’m not an expert, rather an explorer. I don’t aim to control, I attempt to instigate. I don’t construct, I assemble and add water.

    And then – I move on. Being indispensable is a cage that I don’t want to live in.

    STAHLBAU LAMPARTER
    Credit: flickr / Stahl und Glas – steel and glass
  • Career Planning

    Career Planning

    Barney had the distinct feeling that his career as "the girl's best friend" was over before it had really begun. He sincerely hoped that the girl's mum would continue to look after him.
    Credit: flickr / David Blackwell

    The other week I had a phone interview for what I thought was my dream job. In the days before, I realized that was the kind of thing I’d been doing. And then, I waited.

    Meanwhile, work was going so-so. My computer broke – again – so I lost a day and a half on my Most Important Task (nothing remains of my original machine) plus the time it took me to reinstall everything I needed, and the MBA and I had an argument.

    Aside from the awesome technical support, something that’s really amazing about Extreme Blue is how much support we get. So the organizers of the program sat us down for what became a 3-hour angsting session, explaining that our group had been put together knowing that we would end up in this place, and discussing personality quadrants.

    My dominant quadrant is definitely my logic quadrant, so that conversation formed into an equation that frankly made my head explode. However, I tend to communicate from my relational quadrant – and as our MBA is detail-process oriented, with nothing in the relational… this had been causing problems. I thought he was being really rude and disrespectful, and I guess I just didn’t make any sense at all to him.

    By Sunday, I had an equation that worked – our MBA is on the spectrum (you can take an online test to discover where you lie). And of course, as a compsci, I know and have known a lot of people who are. And so I know how to deal with it – in fact, I can’t believe I didn’t realize sooner but I guess I saw him as an MBA rather than a techie – so this week we’ve been getting on fine. I’m consciously communicating from my logic quadrant, and I’m now seeing that my input is considered, and also I’m getting the information I need out of him. He is also making a real effort to take constructive criticism.

    The point of this histoire, is over the last week I’ve been having more and more of a hankering to code. And my other takeaway from this conversation on Friday, was a worry that I wasn’t seen as technical.

    So when the results of the phone interview came back and I’m wasn’t through to the next round, I was disappointed. Especially because the woman who interviewed me had really strongly given the impression that she couldn’t be bothered with the whole thing. But I talked to my friend Dig, who was great, and I moved on to the next phase of what I’m doing at work – where I finally get to code – and ran into a roadblock so I got no further than a “hello world” test to verify my IDE was working.

    So frustrating. But – it has made me glad I didn’t go further with this non-technical role – in fact, almost grateful to this woman. This job was probably the only non-coding job I would have applied for, or taken. And I applied because I think it’s a route to where I will end up – but what I’m realizing is, I don’t have to go there now.

    In fact, I’m not ready to.

    I have an on-site interview for an awesome software engineer job in July. And when I spoke to the EB guy (in fact, the one from Friday’s meeting) about who I should list on my resume he started a conversation about whether I wanted to progress to a proper job with IBM. And so I told him I’d spoken with one of my personal mentors (Sacha is amazingly helpful and supportive) and she’d given me some resources, so I was working on that too, but that I wanted something more technical than what I was currently doing. And he committed to helping me find the kind of opportunity that I want.

    Wow. I don’t know what will happen next, but I have to tell you – right now I feel really lucky.

  • Rebuilding

    Double Decker
    Credit: flickr / ViaMoi

    Post-breakup, I took stock of what I was doing and decided I needed a break. I spent days in my pajamas and stopped running about. One of the things I gave myself, was the 5 season Ally McBeal: The Complete Series boxset.

    I set myself a rule that between each episode I had to do something productive, theorizing that once I was done watching the show, I would be OK. My apartment would be organized and I would be over it. The productive thing between each episode? That fell by the wayside somewhat by the end of season 3. But the box set is done, and I am OK.

    More than OK.

    The hardest part of breaking up has not been learning to live alone, or not having my ex in my life. It’s been the friends who didn’t call. The one who – worse – discussed me with my ex and the huge argument that followed with both of them. And the scene in the restaurant when another said something completely inappropriate that I can’t bring myself to go into here.

    But just under two years ago, I came to Ottawa knowing no-one. So if I have to start again from scratch, or almost, I can. And I know that even if it feels like I’m starting over, I’m not. The friends that did reach out, I value more. I have a network. I have an internship with great coworkers. I have organizations I’m involved with. I have opportunities.

    So I’ve been rebuilding my life here. And it’s completely different. I sleep earlier, I eat differently, I work out more and I’m less defensive and stressed.

    And, I’m focusing – guilt free – on what I will do when I graduate. I’m going after my dream job – which might take me to the other side of the world. Even if I don’t get that, there are other opportunities. I’ve had some great experiences in Ottawa, but I’m ready to leave this city and move on to a new adventure.

    In fact, I’m kinda excited to do so.

  • You May Say I’m a Dreamer…

    Recently, I read something that said (I’m paraphrasing):

    The surest way to mediocrity is trying to be liked by everyone.

    Shortly after, I met the conspiracy theorist Mike Levin, of Unfolding Magazine to talk about Awesome Ottawa, you can read the article here.

    Follow Your Dreams
    Credit: Flickr / miss miah

    I didn’t really like the article, but I’m trying to embrace the idea that criticism or just bitchy innuendo means that we’re doing something out of the ordinary. Mike uses his 30 years of experience as a journalist as evidence that people don’t behave altruistically. I wonder when that became self-perpetuating, but to be fair I don’t think reporting tends to focus on people being nice.

    But – I would like to clarify here, that as a technologist, I take privacy seriously. My research makes public more public and as a result I graph people who aren’t spammers or public figures only with their permission. Also, as a technologist, I’m aware that the internet is often very public, and I can’t give a better warranty on other people’s data than I have on my own. I also can’t guarantee the actions of 10’s of others – the Awesome Foundation has members in many other countries, and we share information. I can say that our intent is only to publicize the winners of our grants, and perhaps those other projects that we think deserve a distinctive mention. But of course, cynics like Mr Levin can feel free not to apply to us.

    The other suggestion was one of ageism. I can’t tell you what other trustees do, but I do know for myself that when I’m looking through the grants I’m completely uninterested in anything but two fields: the proposal, and what they need the money for. It wouldn’t surprise me if applications mostly come from younger people – as a result of information flowing through social networks, more free time, or just more need for the money to fund their project, but I have no data on that.

    My feeling is, that the things we fund shouldn’t fit well in either of the following sentences:

    • I’m going to the bank to try and get a loan to fund My Awesome Project.
    • I’m going on a sponsored cycle/walk/bungee jump/whatever in order to raise money for My Awesome Project.

    Thus far, that’s the only criteria I’ve come up with.

    At the end of my meeting with Mr. Levin, he said he thought I was naive. Honestly? I was not displeased with this assessment. I’m 25 – I’ve dated idiots, had my heart broken, covered for an alcoholic co-worker and been completely disillusioned by the graduate school experience. So naive? Not in respect to love, work, or, really, people. I’m just not sufficiently cynical that I think it’s impossible that there might be 10 other people in Ottawa that can get behind this idea of ENABLING MORE AWESOMENESS.

    There seem to be a lot of people who will complain about the way things are, but not try to change them. Every month, I get together with a bunch of people who, like me, are trying to make change happen. These people inspire me.

    We may not succeed, but at least we’re trying. Some months we make make a firework, and some it may be a damp squib. I’m realistic about it – just not realistic to the point of inaction.

    So sure, call me a dreamer – but I’m not the only one.

  • I’m Back on Facebook, but I Still Hate It

    Facebook for Dummies
    Credit: flickr / daveynin

    After some time without Facebook, I’ve become quite happy without it. However, it’s my birthday next week and I’m headed to Seattle for the weekend and later on next week, we’re planning a party for the Awesome Foundation (which is GO – we have 10 trustees and a project, I’m so excited – expect more news this week).

    What does any of that have to do with Facebook? Well I know some people in Seattle, but don’t have their email address. Ditto for people I know and will want to invite to the AF party – I don’t have their email, or their phone no. because for the first year I was in Ottawa, I didn’t have a cell phone. Aside – does anyone else find that people don’t really give out contact information anymore? They just say, “Oh I’m on Facebook, you’re on Facebook – right?”.

    So I reactivated my Facebook profile and then went through and hid most of my information, and checked (and double checked) my privacy settings. Now Facebook is trying to take over the entire internet, I was trying to stop them from sending my personal data everywhere, and I managed the opt out bit (I think). What I couldn’t find, though, was the bit that stops my friends from sending my personal data out and about even with these instructions. Is it a coincidence that after stuff like this is published there are some subtle changes in the UI?

    So I have a BSc (hons) in Computer Science and most of a masters… and I cannot fathom the Facebook privacy settings. Worse, even the one that I think I found I can’t be sure of.

    So I’m back on Facebook, but this time it’s more in search of an exit strategy.

  • I Love Love Love Being a Girl

    AN AMERICAN GIRL in YOKOHAMA
    Credit: flickr / Okinawa Soba

    I’ve been in a couple of situations recently where I felt I had to apologize for, or justify my emotions.

    I contend that’s unfair – I don’t make decisions as a result of my emotions, but I do react emotionally to events. I cry – at the news, at movies, books, at TV shows. I get upset when people I invest in disrespect me or otherwise behave badly or unfairly. I think we should! I saw on Twitter lately, someone saying that people mistake kindness for weakness. It’s true. I expect the best of people. I expect them to show up, to behave honorably, to be loyal. This has backfired on me, more than once. But having that faith in people – being an emotional creature – is what makes it possible to invest in them.

    The other day, I was having a conversation about this person who I encountered who thinks you can buy people. That’s bullshit – every healthy person knows that. I do think you can invest in people though – with your time, with your energy, and with your faith in them as human beings – and that that’s how we build relationships.

    And so I absolutely adored, and was moved and inspired by this TED talk by Eve Ensler, embedded below. It is provocative, and… and true. Why do we judge people for crying? Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been emotionally affected by something. Emotions are how we connect with one another. If we don’t cry, if we aren’t affected… doesn’t that makes us unconnected islands?

    Anyway, I’m done apologizing for my emotions. I hope the video moves you, too.

    Hat tip – Kayla who has some interesting commentary on her blog.

  • Being Nice

    kicking in the head
    Credit: flickr / Spencer Finnley

    I’ve been thinking about being likable lately, because things seem to keep coming back to kick me in the head. Am I doing it wrong? Trying too hard? Not trying the right things? Not trying the right people? Over thinking all this?

    And then, well, I just offered to do a favor for a friend, E. Which arranged things so that I could have lunch with another friend, who I haven’t seen lately as his girlfriend is as mad as a bag of cats and won’t allow him to hang out with me (yes, one of those – I think all girls in comp sci have this story), so it was really good to see him. Then I introduced E to another friend who I knew she would get along with, and find really helpful.

    And then I remembered why I like being nice. Because I could tell that E was really happy. And that makes me happy, that I could facilitate that.

    So I’m over thinking. It’s not about thinking, it’s about doing.

    What can you do for someone in your life that will make their day a little brighter?

    Go and do it, today.

  • Closing Doors, Opening Windows

    Credit: flickr / David Reece

    Graduating is another word for ending. The ending of your time at university, and the commitments associated with. It’s also another word for beginning – the beginning of your next adventure, your next challenge. The next chapter of your life.

    On Wednesday, I had to go to Kanata to fill in some paperwork for my next chapter – the internship I’ll be doing from May to August. I ended up having lunch with some people, including the guy leading the project I’ll be working on and we talked about that a little. I’m excited for my next chapter, these new challenges.

    Then in the evening, it was the last WISE Inspiring Women event. We had a wonderful speaker, Dr Mona Nemer, who gave an informal, inspiring talk. She talked about balance, and confidence, and underestimating yourself (and gave an amusing example of a time when she’d underestimated herself). She talked to us about not over-planning our lives, but being open to opportunities. I really enjoyed it – she was so warm, and open, and definitely inspirational.

    I’d decided that after her talk would be a great time to say goodbye because this would be my last formal event as president, and thank the girls who have worked so hard with me to make this past year a success. I talked briefly about how WISE got started, and what we’d achieved over the last year. And then, I thanked the other girls and gave each of them a small gift (the previous day, I’d been rushing about trying to pick out something different and thoughtful for everyone).

    It was funny, because we were all secretly planning things and hiding them. Because after everyone was standing at the front, I was kept there and Rachelle talked about what I’d done and they gave me a card, a giftcard (can’t wait to go buy some new books!) and some flowers, which was really lovely. She said some really nice things about me, and I was so moved. And there was hugging, and tears.

    I thought that perhaps I would just fade away and that would be it, no-one would notice how hard I’d worked, or that I was gone. But I was wrong.

    I was noticed. I made a difference.

    But – I couldn’t have done it on my own. So thank you – first and most of all to the other girls who’ve worked with me this past year, but also to every speaker who has generously donated their time, and to everyone who came to one of our events. Thank you.