Accidentally in Code

Tag: life

  • This Week

    This Week

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    Life

    This week was mostly quality time with the family, chilling out. I’ve been trying to get to the gym as much as possible given the rubbish opening hours around this time of year, as the dark and being cooped up is continuing to get to me. When I’m at the gym and see adverts for Australia on the TVs I feel so homesick. Headed to London for the weekend for a party and got a fantastic deal on a nice hotel close to the gym. Spent lots of time in the gym, but rubbish trains and the party actually being in Kent meant I missed it.

    Last week of homelessness! I am looking forward to moving into my apartment, and even purchased some domestic things I need! Like pillows. And a kettle.

    Meanwhile with some of the free time from days off I gave my website a bit of a visual overhaul. It’s nice to make time for that kind of thing – it had looked the same way for a while and was getting stale. I’ve gone for a more visual look. I like it, especially the homepage… although it turns out that I illustrate my writing with pictures of balloons more often than I thought.

    I didn’t get started on the Looming Deadline for the personal project I’m super excited about but somehow have writers block on. I’ve started to think more concretely about how I’ll structure it and what I need to do, which is something.

    There’s a really good deal on Misfit Wearables right now, up until the end of December. I’d put off buying one because postage to Europe was so expensive, but this made it worthwhile so I ordered one. My mom bought me a music player I can wear whilst swimming, which I’m excited about – I have wanted such a thing for a long time. Ages ago I saw an incredibly expensive one that made you “hear” things by causing your cheekbones to vibrate… weird (see Gizmodo article). Anyway, we’ll see how it works out.

    Work

    I finally got a working computer – speeding things up exponentially! This was exciting and for a day I experienced technological happiness, until updating my laptop to Mavericks turned my laptop into an animated paperweight. So frustrating! Although that meant I ended up focusing on something else, which along with some other stuff I wrote up my manager seemed to appreciate.

    In the brief lull in the ongoing battle of Cate vs Computers, I finished up my first thing – the small refactoring that turned out to need some other stuff done too (always the way). Server side stuff hasn’t been as scary as I thought and I don’t miss the visuals as much as I thought I would.

    I also reviewed applications for this conference I’m helping out.

    Places

    I stayed at The Park Lane Hotel, which is fancy but a little dated. Only two elevators, but there didn’t seem to be a lot of guests so that wasn’t too bad. So loud in the evening, I guess walls and doors are not that thick, so that made it hard to get to sleep. Terrible shower. But great location, so I mostly showered at the gym anyway.

    Last weekend was a good one for food, so I went back to Cocochan, again before 5 with the great foursquare deal (tried the salty caramel mousse, which was not as amazing as the mango coconut parfait – disappointing) and Sofra for their delicious brunch. Also went to another branch of Ping Pong for dim sum, which was yummy. I like this part of town (Mayfair area), I wish I had looked at apartments here!

    Media

    Went to see Chicago which was good – amazing vocals, great dancing. The costumes were a little… odd. The men were wearing corsets, and the women were wearing.. very little. It actually passes the Bechdel test, which is something, although the women are vicious, remorseless, narcissists, the victims are their (male) partners, and their rescuer a man.

    Finished Brothers and Sisters season 3, started on season 4, Still loving it, still great motivation for getting to the gym. Although I confess I’ve not just been watching it at the gym! Winter hibernation strikes, it’s been a two years since I experienced cold and dark so I guess the fact that it’s affecting me shouldn’t be too surprising.

    Read A Gift to Remember by Melissa Hill. Bit saccharine, but reasonable to escape for an afternoon (or evening!). And also Can’t Take My Eyes Off You which I liked. A little less unnaturally cheerful than other things I’ve been reading, but not too miserable either.

    Reading The Male Factor which is depressing, but explains so many things.

    Pentatonix have a new video! Yay!

    Read the entirity of 40 Days of Dating – two designers, friends with opposite attitudes to relationships conduct an experiment in dating each other, for 40 days. The visuals are gorgeous, and it’s an interesting concept, applying constraints to life and making art out of it, and is also a commentary on modern dating – the pressures we create for ourselves, the fears we have.

    This gorgeous hedgehog on Instagram is my new cute obsession. I may actually have to get an Instagram account.

    Links Amazon.

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  • Travel Packing List

    Travel Packing List

    Traveling by Hot Air
    Credit: Joe Thomissen

    I’ve flitted about a lot this year, and last, and as a result I’ve accumulated some things and strategies for packing, including outfits that I designate at “plane outfits”. A sign I’m over-thinking things? Possibly. But in case it’s useful, I’m sharing it here (most links Amazon).

    Carry-On

    • iPad – no need to fear misjudging the timing and landing in the middle of watching something! Also, better battery life than a laptop.
    • Travel blanket – they don’t give these out on shorter flights, and even when they do, it’s nice to have two! Planes often vary in temperatures, so I find a blankets are better than sweaters.
    • Eye mask – they have fun ones at Flight 001, in NYC, SF or Sydney (plus some other locations).
    • Ear plugs
    • Noise cancelling headphones – these Bose ones are pricy but incredible.
    • Facial wipes
    • Hand sanitising wipes
    • Small cloth bag – this is useful for assembling immediate flight needs into just before boarding, then I can stow my main bag above for extra legroom, or if I’m in an emergency exit row seat because I have to. This will be small enough that I can slide it down the side of the seat (usually I get a window seat).
    • For a short flights and trips, I pack this into a small backpack that can double for going hiking etc. I have a Dakine one with an elastic thing on the front that is handy, because I can strap things (jacket/blanket) to the front of it. Pockets for water bottle are good for putting in cellphone/passport when going through the security scanner.

    For longer haul add (in case of delay):

    • Clean set of clothes to change into
    • Sports cropped top, more comfortable than under-wiring.
    • Go to plane outfit (good for sleeping in) – leggings and a dress, hoodie. Although, beware London Heathrow airport where leggings are considered to be pants and they want to search you accordingly.
    • Chargers and power cables (otherwise I pack these in my checked bag).
    • Snacks! In case of sleeping through the meal. Be careful with some countries where it’s necessary to throw out anything uneaten on arrival (Australia and NZ for example).

    Buy at airport:

    • Water!

    Clothes

    • Same outfit for every day, inspired by this article – for 20+ degrees – leggings and dresses, hoodie, for < 20 degrees, 2x jeans, tshirts, hoodies. Everything has to go with everything else, so I don’t need to worry about assembling things.
    • If I’m dressing smarter, I take more variety, but pack outfits rather than items, and everything has to go with the same accessories (accessorising well takes up the most space) – one nice handbag, one casual, one pair of nice shoes, one pair of sneakers or at least flats I can walk longer distances in.
    • If I’m going for 5 days, I pack enough clothes for 6. This allows for one untoward event. Always always have an extra pair of pants, as one of my friends learned when we got on the boat and he threw up on himself.
    • Lightweight down jacket – Uniqlo had a great deal for <10 degrees. For really cold weather, I have a North Face 800 down jacket which is amazing. These fold up to nothing, and are easy to carry with me in case it gets chilly (in Ontario, for example, after dark the temperature drops very quickly).
    • A hat – if it’s sunny, a baseball cap. If it’s cool, a beanie. Great for hiding plane-hair, and also for keeping my ears warm if it’s windy.
    •  Swim suit – pain of working out when travelling is how much stuff you need. If the hotel has a pool, swimming solves that issue. I love swimming last thing before bed, I find it very relaxing.
    • Sneakers I can walk 10k+ in.
    • Small bag – I have a black Crumpler and a Roots beige leather. I pick one.
    • Sweatpants – nice for lounging around in, or putting on just to go for breakfast.
    • All of my luggage is – deliberately – easy to pick out on the carousel. For shorter trips, I have a pink North Face duffel (up to around a week), for longer trips I love Eastpack suitcases (I have 3), they are super sturdy. For multiple stops, I use the different sides to pack separately, e.g. this is my Minnesota section, and this is my San Francisco section. I’ve found this makes packing for multiple different weathers and kind of events (e.g. conference and retreat in the countryside) less overwhelming.

    Meds and Toiletries

    • Handwash liquid – I’m experimenting with washing clothes as I go to pack lighter. Especially good if doing sports, lightweight running leggings are so quick to wash and dry.
    • Conditioner (small) – sucks to get in late to a poor selection of hotel toiletries and discover I have a choice between dry/unmanageable and dirty hair.
    • Plain, soothing moisturiser (I like Aveeno).
    • Anti-histamines
    • Basic painkillers
    • Post-plane facial necessities – Clinique Moisture Surge mask for overnight, Clinique Turnaround mask for morning.
    • Stuff to help me sleep – useful more for long haul flights (in economy).
    • Anxiety meds, in case of inappropriate touching at the airport or during the flight (at 2x this year, it’s best to be prepared – this is the difference between 80k and 115k, apparently).
    • Sunscreen. For city breaks or winter, SPF in my face moisturiser (Clinique super defence day) and Clinique city block is fine, otherwise I love biotherm.

     

  • This Week

    This Week

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    Life

    I caught up with a friend who I haven’t seen in forever, which was awesome, went to see Anchorman 2 with another, and met up with someone new – which was nice. My friend Dave took me to see American Psycho, the Musical. I also had a long hangout catching up with a friend from O-town, which was lovely.

    By the end of the week, I was completely social-ed out and retreated to the gym for some quality Cate-time. It was nice to make time for that, though, long gym sessions have been rare with the amount of flitting about I’ve been doing. I got in a bunch of cardio, went swimming 3 times, and did an anti-gravity yoga class (yay for hanging upside down) and also a regular yoga class, which sucked because the instructor was awful (1. warn people before adjusting them, 2, don’t be so forceful they fall over). But I really think however much I hate the yoga class itself, I’ll be better off if I can develop a 1-2x a week habit. So I’ll keep working on it.

    Turns out, 3 months of hotel dwelling and constantly moving and I’m hitting my limit, it has been starting to get to me! And I hate this time of year. I think some of my friends also find it hard, and I hate it when I feel like everyone I know is unhappy. I don’t think this is actually the case, but I definitely need to start drawing lines about how much of other people’s emotions I’m going to take on.

    Continuing my quest to try and learn to like London by taking pictures and appreciating things.

    Work

    I did an amazing training course with some other women from work, and also met even more female engineers on an outing, which was great. There are a lot of dudes around, and I miss the other female engineers in Sydney, so it’s helpful to work on a network here. I have to follow up in the New Year and have lunch with them.

    Finally, I started on my new team! Exciting, as I made my first server side Java change. I’m taking a bit of a departure in terms of technologies, but I think this is a good thing. I’m scared, but looking forward to broadening my horizons there.

    Places

    Spent more time in London this week – Sunday to Sunday, so more time to explore. I stayed at the Millennium & Copthorne hotel at Chelsea football club – weird location in the football grounds, terrible toiletries (no conditioner!), but otherwise comfortable. I also spent a night the Thistle Marble Arch, which was a bit shabby with too many screaming children in the lobby areas, but great location, comfortable bed and excellent wifi. They were also really nice when I showed up early to check-in, with a choice of an upgrade (but to a twin room) or to a room without a bath (turned out to be an accessible room).

    Great luck with restaurants this week, with work events I went to The Old Explorer (pub food, fine), and BB Bakery (afternoon tea! Lovely cupcakes). I went to Wahaca, different and less busy branch than Covent Garden (always tasty), checked out Jamie Oliver’s Popup diner (reasonably priced, bit heavy for my taste but good, love the dinosaur-centric decor), Cocochan (amazing, best Asian food I’ve eaten in London yet, bit pricey but I got a great 30% off Foursquare deal). For weekend brunch, I went to Bill’s as I was feeling homesick for Sydney, which was fine but the scrambled eggs are nowhere near as good as in Sydney, so that didn’t really help! And unexpectedly had an amazing breakfast at Sofra – after not finding the restaurant I was actually looking for – they bring out toast with honey and clotted cream – amazing.

    Media

    American Psycho, the Musical which was bizarre, and dark, but quite wonderful (The Doctor, Matt Smith, was quite off-key at times, but very, very sexy).

    Anchorman 2 was ridiculous, unrealistic, and horrifyingly offensive. The cinema was full of people laughing their heads off. Yes, I’m back in the UK. I enjoyed the escapism.

    Nearly at the end of Brothers and Sisters season 2, Still loving it, still great motivation for getting to the gym.

    Read Take a Look At Me Now by Miranda Dickinson, which was… infuriating. I started off finding it funny that it was set in San Francisco, where no-one has an apartment that big (ha! A single person with a spare room!), and people are not that friendly, in 8 weeks our protagonist never met an obnoxious tech worker. As if! But as the story unwound I just found the obstacles and rationalisations contrived and unconvincing. Maybe I’m just too darkly cynical for trashy novels at the moment, or anything with a happy ending.

    I finished The Power of Habit. Really good, I’ll write it up soon, and started on The Male Factor which so far seems set to be a confronting, angering, but ultimately helpful look at the game that is on.

    Links Amazon.

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  • Habits vs Tasks: I Want an App For That

    Habits vs Tasks: I Want an App For That

    A man or woman on a leash
    Credit: Flickr / Daniel Kulinski

    I have this list of “habits” that I need to make time for, on a daily or weekly basis.

    For example:

    • Get some exercise, every day.
    • Read a book, every week,
    • Weight train 2x a week.
    • Do something for just for me, every day.
    • Connect with a friend, every day.
    • Do something outside (a long walk, skiing), every week.
    • Do something cultural, every week.

    I think these things make me happier, but I have no way to know because I don’t track them in conjunction with my mood. Really, what I want is an app that will allow me to separate my “todo list” from my “habits for a happy life” list, track them, and measure my mood (and ideally import data from my activity trackers about my movements).

    The difference between a habit list and a todo list, is that there is no making up. No exercise today? Let it go, try again tomorrow. I can’t make it up. In fact I think trying to do so, is harmful – “I’ve had no life for the last six months because work so I’m going to cram it all in to my 10 day vacation”, is an example.

    I like the idea of a separate place for habits, rather than tasks. Maybe because tasks are done and forgotten, but habits are built over time? Tasks define our days, but our habits define our lives? I think of this as a place for my list, when a task list is often full of things forced upon my by other people, or by society (note to self: sort out drivers license, bank account).

    Maybe I will build this after other personal projects are finished, or abandoned.

  • This Week

    This Week

     

    Life

    I hung out with some new people this week, but also with my high school friend (introducing her to Dim Sum). We were by the Nelson Mandela memorial by Waterloo, which was so lovely, I took pictures of all the quotes the rotated on the projector. Simple but touching, Mandela was a wise man.

    Managed to get around to joining the gym, went for the Virgin Active Classic in Mayfair as they have the best rates of the classic clubs (which are the ones with anti-gravity yoga), although I was working out at the Kensington club, which is this little oasis of clean and calm, with an abundance of towels, which I love.

    Again, more quality time with my family, no more progress clearing out some of the junk, unfortunately! We booked tickets for Chicago the week after next, which should be fun.

    Still post-moving stuff to sort out, but my apartment is all sorted! So I’ll be moving to South Kensington at the start of January. Also started the process of switching my UK bank account to one that shouldn’t be such a nightmare.

    I miss my friends in Sydney, and the sunshine. I actually love the temperature it’s been in the London this week (about 10 degrees), but the grey is getting to me. Some days it feels like I never saw daylight. I’ve been trying to get myself excited about living in London by taking pictures.

    Work

    I think I’ve figured out what I’m going to work on in London! Meanwhile I had more meetings, caught up with a couple of Sydney interns, and also with one of my mentors – which was great, she gives great advice. This time it was to take my time deciding, and to think about what I want to do, whether I want an eng role that requires being a bit more strategic, which I think I do. Although my probable new manager did freak me out a little by saying I could be a good PM on that team! I told him I wasn’t taking a less technical role until I was 30, so we couldn’t talk about that until May 2015.

    I tweaked my prototypes (iOS and Android) a bit, worked on the design doc some more, and did a bunch of research that resulted in an extremely large and color-coded spreadsheet. It always worries me when my job involves spreadsheeting! But it was interesting.

    My patent got published! Exciting! Actually weeks ago, but I only just noticed.

    Also a bit more information on an upcoming personal project, which I’m excited about.

    Places

    I stayed at the Hilton London Olympia, which is nice – bedroom and bathroom felt spacious, although the location was a bit further out that I’d have liked. About a 15 minute walk from Earl’s Court tube station, and less than 20 minute walk to the gym which was nice. I walked into the office one day, which took a long time, and might have been a mistake as I was wearing heels (gorgeous boots I bought in Barcelona).

    Foodwise, I went to Ping Pong (tasty and not too expensive), Leong’s Legend Continues (nice dumplings but I had an allergic reaction to something), and Roka (Japanese, delicious but very expensive). Also visited a Yumchaa tearoom, which was lovely – nice ambiance, and delicious tea.

    Media

    I’m now up to Brothers and Sisters season 2, and it’s still great. I’m totally hooked! Which is surprising considering I’m rewatching it. But it is helpful motivation for getting to the gym – wanting to see exactly what happens next.

    I read Cecilia Ahern’s book How To Fall In Love. Usually I love her novels, and their charming fairy-tale quality, but this time it was the ultimate damaging fairy tale – that you can change someone. It bothered me.

    Non-fiction, I’m (still) reading The Power of Habit. So far, fascinating.

    I’ve been watching some Katy Perry videos on YouTube – I love her new single Roar, and the video for Part of Me is… very unlike the poppy upbeat tune! My friend Linda also got me into Pentatonix when I was in KW.

    Links Amazon.

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  • Experiment: No Novel November

    Experiment: No Novel November

    Baby penguin
    Credit: flickr / Joe Branco

    There was a period, thankfully a brief one, when I was spending $100 a week on Kindle Books. I know, shocking. I was reading them too, mostly novels.

    I’ve since started tracking my expenditure on books more – limiting myself to a $100 a month budget, which was helping me not purchase quite so many non-fiction books. I’d previously been buying them at about 2x the rate I was reading them, which after 3 years had added up to a 10-20 book backlog. This made me a bit more mindful, and I started using my wish list more, and only buying those non-fiction books I had an immediate need to read. This was also encouraging me to re-read novels I’d loved. It’s better to re-read a good book, than read a terrible new book.

    And then I took some time off, went to Bali (where I had a pretty poor internet connection) and read… erm.. about 15 novels. In 10 days. And started having these weird ideas about moving to the countryside. I’d also spent so much time and energy consuming other people’s work, that I completely lacked creativity to create my own. And finally, I didn’t want to look back at my precious time off and say, well what did I do? I read a bunch of novels.

    So with some encouragement from a friend (reaction: “You think about moving to the countryside? You ARE reading too many novels”) I decided to – quietly – ban myself from reading novels for the month. In the end, because I started on Australian time, I finished when November ended in Australia, not 11 hours later in Europe.

    And it was not as hard as I thought it would be, despite the number of flights (including some long haul, and a lengthy wait in Bangkok) – easier I think because I had overdosed on novels already, and I was relaxed, and didn’t have as much need for my usual methods of “relaxing” – one of which is ingesting novels, whole. Often 2-3 over a weekend.

    I watched a little more TV on my iPad, mostly on planes, but not that much more. I actually bought two magazines, which I really enjoyed and required less sneakiness during take-off and landing, although I think reading too many magazines has it’s own set of problems. I think I probably read slightly more online.

    I did start to feel more creative, and I wrote a lot. And I read a lot of non-fiction, about 8 books over the course of the month. This made a significant dent in my backlog of non-fiction!

    Overall, I found it really helpful. I would definitely do it again, although a couple of days before the end of the month I got excited and pre-emptively bought 7 new novels to read in December, so there was no danger of the experiment being extended!

    Sometimes it’s easier to have a blanket ban than try and moderate. So if there’s something that is distracting and being done to excess, maybe a month off is the answer. It’s at most 31 days, so how bad can it be?

  • This Week

    This Week

    Life

    I caught up with an friend from high school, which was awesome! And a woman who I met at GHC ages ago – got to hear about her project Stemettes, which is amazing. Also went out with someone new, which was fun – we took a walk around Westminster at night, which is very pretty. Mostly I focused on finding somewhere to live, which is hopefully sorted – gorgeous lower ground apartment in South Kensington – I paid the deposit and I’ll be moving in at the start of January. Spent more quality time with my family, and working on clearing out some of the junk that has accumulated here in between me flitting about! My Tinke (Amazon) arrived! Annoyingly it has the old i-connector, so I need to buy a converter and meanwhile have to use it with my iPad and not my iPhone, but it’s really interesting. Measures heart-rate, blood oxygen levels, and “zen”.

    Work

    Work was crazy, beginning on my first day at breakfast when I started a small fire in the toaster! Of course I had a lot of email to catch up on after my break. However in between meetings and figuring out what I’m going to do next I was working on some prototyping (iOS and Android) and a design doc, which was fun. I got to catch up with my group from the leadership course I took in October, too, which was awesome. So far, the London office is great! The food is dangerously good, the people are lovely, and there are some great opportunities.

    Places

    I stayed at the Grange Rochester Hotel, which I hated. I had a tiny single, so dark and old fashioned, and they leave a nasty note on the bed every day about not smoking. I haven’t smoked anything in years, maybe ever, so that seemed unnecessarily pre-emptive. The receptionist on check-in I found quite rude as well, and they charge for internet, which is so last decade. It was supposed to be 4*, but felt distinctly… not 4*. Hopefully the hotel for next week will be nicer! Although this experience did motivate me in my apartment hunting, so that is good. Checked out a couple of restaurants, but wouldn’t go back to any of them – Noura (meh), Banana Tree (meh), Tozi (nice but quite expensive). And bars – CASK (impressive selection of beer, totally wasted on me – I was drinking pineapple juice), and Skyloft (I think the draw is the view? I forgot to look out the window).

    Media

    I’m watching Brothers and Sisters season 1 right now – at the gym, as I didn’t take any planes this week. I watched it before, I think as it came out. Anyway, it’s great, I’m really enjoying it even though I know how things pan out. It’s smart, with strong female characters. I read the new Bridget Jones – Mad About the Boy by Helen Fielding. It is sad because you follow up on the Happily Ever After, and the Unhappy Ending, but also pretty hilarious. I think if you loved the first Bridget Jones books, it’s worth reading – although not that close together, then it would be even more upsetting. Also read the new Trisha Ashley, Wish Upon a Star. It’s charming, and I’ve read a number of her books now. Like all of them though it’s a bit lacking in substance, and slightly fairy tale like – in the little village of Sticklepond, everything always works out. Was not a bad way to de-stress after a hectic week though! I spent most of Saturday curled up on the sofa reading it, and felt much better for it. Non-fiction, I’m reading The Power of Habit. So far, fascinating. All links Amazon.

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  • 3 Things I Learned on my Burnout Break

    3 Things I Learned on my Burnout Break

    Piedras de primavera, spring stones
    Credit: flickr / Vicente Villamón

    I can live with less internet.

    Note – this is no no internet (although I survived my 6 days in NK), but less. Most of the time when traveling I’ve had some connection, but there has usually been a limit. Maybe it’s not on my primary (favorite) phone, or it’s really slow/intermittent (Bali! Portugal), or I have 15mb limit (Europe, O2 roaming data is 1.99 GBP for 15MB daily).

    It’s annoying, but I just drafted blog posts in the notes in the notes app instead. This was actually helpful, as I would not do any research or fact-checking as I went along (can be distracting) but later. As a result, I think I wrote more, and faster unplugged. It did put me off coding things though, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to look anything up or download anything. The other major annoyance is that most of the time over October and November, I have been unable to watch video – not great, but not the end of the world, either.

    I take for granted a constant and fast connection, and yes sometimes I don’t have it, but this is the longest period in a while where I’ve been internet deprived in some sense. It’s a helpful reminder, as an engineer, how important it is that the things we build function with poor, intermittent, or no internet. Twitter’s addition of photos to the stream annoys me for this reason. When I’m limited to 15MB, an image-heavy webpage will significantly deplete my internet reserves. Engineers could do a better job, in general, of handling this.
    The worst part of this was that sometimes “just this one thing” on the internet would take an hour or more. Because I often deal with poor internet by opening MOAR tabs… I don’t know why I do this. It is basically the opposite of what I should be doing if I really want to just do that one thing and go to sleep.

    Relaxing is not the same as Being Relaxed.

    This idea has it’s own blogpost, but essentially – once I had chilled out, I didn’t need the things I normally do to “relax”. I survived No-Novel November, for example.

    The things that made me want a break, were not the same as what made me afraid to go back.

    Obviously, no-one takes an extended break and moves to another country because they are completely happy with how things are.

    If you’d asked me what I was needing a break from at the end of September, and what I was worrying about going back a week ago, I would have given you a different set of things. And then, what actually made me excited to go back was something else again.

    I guess we don’t always know exactly why we need a break, and it can take time to process the things that are the most stressful – especially those things that we try so very hard to tell ourselves are fine. But I think it’s helpful to honor the feeling of needing one. I’ll do this again, should the need or occasion arise. And I understand better now, my friend who when I asked her how she had survived and got so far in this industry, told me she had burnt out and taken a break multiple times. I’m so grateful to her for admitting that, and making me feel that I could make the same call.

  • The Difference Between “Relaxing” and “Being Relaxed”

    The Difference Between “Relaxing” and “Being Relaxed”

    Relaxed kitten - 3 by johntgr
    Credit: DeviantArt / johntgr

    I live this somewhat frenetic life, but despite all my country hopping over the last few weeks… this has been a relaxed time for me. As a result, I realised something – being actually relaxed, feels very, very different from relaxing. Perhaps I’ve just been completely obtuse here, but it was something of a revelation to me.

    It’s the difference between having a massage to get my shoulders down from around my ears and… never having them up around my ears to begin with.

    Weirdly, I noticed it when walking past a cupcake bakery in Canada. And I thought, “Oh! I used to love that place. A cupcake would be a really nice treat.”

    And then I thought – wow, I don’t think I am prone to stress eating but that is dramatically different to how I normally think about cupcakes. Which is more, “Argh I’m having such a stressful day, and why the hell is… oh! Free cupcake”. Or, “Great! Time for some Cate-time, I’m going to do body pump, and then I’m going to have some lunch, I’ll go to that sandwich shop, oh I could have a cupcake, and then I’m going to do some cardio… then… do I have my swim gear?”

    Which actually, when I think about it… looks a lot more like stress eating that I thought.

    In Real Life, I try and so something just for me every day, whether it’s reading some of a novel, or spending some time on the cross trainer with whatever TV series I’m currently watching. In my break from Real Life, that hasn’t been a conscious effort – every day is something just for me, I planned it this way.

    And the result is… I have actually been relaxed.

    (Note – all things are relative. Compared to my usual self. Strangers might still find me distinctly type-A about a lot of things.)

    And the result is, I no longer feel compelled to do things – eat cupcakes as an example, but also, massages, beauty treatments, novels devoured whole, prescription meds – to help make me relaxed. I don’t need the help, or the compensation for the stress of Real Life, because I’ve opted out of it for a while, and it feels amazing.

    Right before I left Sydney, one of my friends and I were talking about how as tech workers, we make great salaries, but how much of them do we spend on ways to compensate for the level of stress we are under? Flying to North Korea, rather than just spending the day at the beach to unplug. All afternoon and hundreds of dollars at the spa rather than just a facemask at home and then a movie. All because I will show up to an event on my calendar that I’ve paid for, but don’t carve out time for the small things either because I prioritise more stressful activities, or because they seem insufficient.

    And obviously, I’m going back to the Real World, but at least I know what this feels like. And I have a better idea of how much of my outgoings are me paying my soul compensation for having to live there.