Tuning Forks in Human Form

Danbo y el Kiwi
Credit: Flickr / https://www.flickr.com/photos/anieto2k/5688981179/

A few months ago three people told me I had been right about something. Obviously this brought me joy – I do love being right – but it was not all joy, because what I had been right about was bad news for them. I personally felt vindicated. But my friends were in a bad place and I worried for them.

I think that anticipating disaster is part of being a good engineer. You look at the system, you consider what will go wrong, you weigh it up and make a decision: prevent, mitigate, or note and ignore.

Obviously not everyone agrees with me. This line of thinking is what drove me to become an expert in unit testing the kind of code that most people do not test at all.

Which is fine. I don’t think there is One True Way of being an engineer, and I’m sure there are benefits to having optimists around (although I’m not sold on delusional megalomaniacs). But it does mean that I have spent a lot of time predicting, and worrying about disaster, with mixed results.

Some people will listen to you, and you’ll fix it together. And some people will listen, but the decision will be to leave it. Later, you can come back and say “hey you were right this wasn’t really a problem” or they might tell you “yeah I guess we never thought that guy would come back and fix that thing we knew was a terrible decision, and I’m sorry you lost 2 weeks of your life to dealing with it. But his poor decisions won’t be your problem for long because that project is moving and by the way you didn’t get promoted and he did.

Of course there are people who won’t listen. And when I think about that, I always think about one of my friends. Who complained about something for months. And eventually she decided she couldn’t take it anymore and walked away. And her manager, and his manager, they said, “we had no idea it was so serious, you should have said something.” But she had. They had just ignored it.

As I have failed to walk this line between “passive” and “aggressive”, between “fine” and “dramatic”, and as I have watched my friends do the same, my observation is,

If someone doesn’t want to listen to what you are saying, they will complain about how you are saying it.

This is why tone policing is harmful. Because it derails the conversation – tone over topic. Because it’s victim blaming.

But what deeply offends me about tone policing is that it is inefficient, and demonstrably pointless.

Sometimes I’m told I should be angrier, or more cynical. Sorry – don’t have the energy. Sometimes that I should be nicer, try and “catch more flies with honey” – since when was catching flies the goal? 

Look at the vast array of media that people consume and it’s clear that people connect with different things. I never watch violent movies, some people love them. People learn in different ways. I prefer to read, others like to listen. The thing that makes one man say “wow what a bitch” causes another to realise “oh, she’s serious”.

The book The Male Factor is pretty depressing but worth a read on how men perceive things when women communicate. Two key takeaways on this topic are 1) men write off anything they don’t understand as a woman being emotional. 2) around 20% of men are predisposed to react badly to women.

For me, that book was the last thing that liberated me from any need to “be nice”. Since it’s clear that 20% of men will probably never find me nice, then I’m free from the need to try and appease them.

Now I try and approach this stuff in a way that is authentic to me, and I encourage other women to do the same. If someone thinks their strategy is more effective, run with that and prove it. Genuinely, I wish all success.

One of my friends is really feminist now, but as part of his journey to actually understanding he was blocked by multiple feminists, and now he owns that he was being a jerk and deserved it. He didn’t need every woman to be holding his hand and soft-soaping things to eventually get it, because he’s a decent human being and in time he learned.

So yeah… I just can’t find it in me to worry about my tone or any other woman’s tone “alienating men”. Because if they are that easy to alienate, then if not that then something else. And if they are actually – like my friend – learning as they figure it out, then they’ll get there, in time. They don’t need me to hold their hand. And frankly, I have better things to do.

One thought on “Tuning Forks in Human Form

  1. Wow Cate, I never heard the term “accidentally human”… until today when I coined it for myself while thinking about humanity as I jerked back from something hot I was holding and got to thinking, wow, how we are fearfully made. So I searched the term “accidentally human” and came across this poem, just a couple hours after I wrote the poem below, and voila! my poem is on this very subject as it relates to people and “tone policing” also a new term to me as of reading your article here. Well so much for today’s lesson and thanks. BTW I am a beginner poet at 72.

    My wife and I live in a HUD subsidize 100 apartment facility in the thumb of Michigan. There is a lot of drama here, hence my poem fresh off the press: Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it just an hour ago.

    Easy Alienation

    For some it takes a lot to make them alienate
    They go through thick and thin as they procrastinate
    They avoid dissolving that friendship ever oh so true
    I trust that what I am saying is also true about you

    You see then, there are those who turn at the drop of a hat.
    Not that they ever were your friends; one has to think about that!
    Because for the most part they only feign friendship ever at all
    And deep down inside they’re prone to try to make most anyone fall

    Maybe sometimes they don’t mean to act the way they do
    When they alienate others, maybe they also do it to you
    They’ve not learned the art of that first group, It’s plain for all to see
    As they seem rather wont to make enemies out of you and me

    We can’t change them this is true, they’ve been on this road quite a while
    They’ll keep right on don’t you see; they will seldom render a smile
    When you offer kindness and maybe even share an innocent joke
    They still just don’t understand the art of simple ordinary caring folk.

    So what’s the best solution my friend, when you see one of them pass by
    Well I am learning to ignore them, not even to offer a “hi”…
    Because they do the same anyway, not even offering a “grunt”
    They are out for more victims; maybe you will be their next hunt.

    © October 1, 2016 Kenneth B. Jr., Lockhart

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

Leave a Reply