I was reading Tina Fey’s book Bossypants (Amazon) as part of a group of us at work – after reading Lean In (Amazon) and having a discussion group, this came up as one to read next. Then I read an article complaining about her feminism, which I went looking for only to find this article about criticism of her, which I found more compelling so I’ll share that instead.
It’s an amusing book, and one I enjoyed as a memoir. In terms of being a successful woman, little was mentioned, although it was clear she has an incredible work ethic. In fact, I started the book looking for any insight into how she became so successful but there were so many depreciating remarks that I finished the book with the question, is she so uncomfortable with it?
I think my best reason of why we need more women working in technology can be explained with two websites.
OKCupid is a dating site, it’s very successful, and they have a great blog. Part of the premise is that users answer all these questions – it’s very data-driven.
The other one is a Spanish dating website I read about some time ago (cannot find the article), aimed at women. I say dating website, but really the main purpose was to meet other women, but women could recommend guys who could then join.
So here we have two solutions to the same problem – meeting people, that take very different approaches, almost to the point where the whole idea can be presented differently. The first one posits that more data will mean more sex, the other addresses the side effects of being single (not having someone to go see that movie with, for example) by providing a way to increase the number of people in your life, and turns a potential relationship into the side effect.
That is the benefit of diversity – not just solving problems differently, but seeing different problems.
There was this NYT article, which started horrifyingly, “Men invented the internet”. This is manifestly untrue – the first programmer was a woman, the field used to be dominated by women (see – ENIAC Programmer project) the internet was created by many, many people. Not all of them were straight white males.
But in terms of our experience on the internet, the World Wide Web, the things we used, the creators of those websites, mobile apps, software, the creators are dominated by what I will term nerdy boys.
Here’s the thing about nerdy boys – they build the things they want. So we have 4chan, and more porn than anyone could want. Shopping for electronics, comparing, recommending is really good. There are many, many virtual ways to kill people.
But there are other things that we are only just beginning to explore, that are nowhere near solved – online shopping and recommendations for clothes and accessories, for example. Or health care – there’s an interesting startup from the former CEO of Sun, for example. We know that women, statistically, are the primary caregivers for sick family members.
My point here, is not that women don’t like electronics (I do!) or may not want virtual violence, but that we live in a digital world, created by a group of people who are not representative of the population, and I think, if this digital world was built by 50% women it would look very different.
Creating ways to appeal to women makes sense – women are the predominant users of social networking, and the drivers of consumer spending. But Pinterest is derided as being “girly” – (fascinating article – it’s not actually that dominated by women, Wikipedia is far more dominated by men, but domination by men is normal, and around equal representation is “feminine”) – but if you look at the way traffic from Pinterest is monetized, being “girly” starts to look like an incredible business strategy.
We live in a digital world, but the secret that hasn’t been widely enough shared, in my opinion, is that we don’t have to just live in it – we can shape it. Edit a Wikipedia article. Create a webpage, a web app, a mobile app, a tech company. We – women – have to go out and build it, because there are a lot of terrible products out there – pink, underpowered laptops, as one example – which can be broadly described as “what men think women want”. Learning how to develop things gives you the power to make the things that you want to exist – whatever that might be.
I’d heard about this book (Amazon) for a long time, but especially since I arrived here – the other women in the office are huge fans, and talked about it a lot. And I kept thinking I would get around to reading it, but no hurry, I’ve read a lot of the research, I think I get what the issues are.
But we were running these events in New Zealand – discussion groups about the book. So it became pressing and there was a deadline! So I finally got around to reading it.
I was right. I didn’t get much new information out of it – but wow, how I wish I had read it when I was 18. It’s full of information and data about things that I learned the hard way. How you don’t need to be one-dimensional to be a good engineer, how women are less likely to only code – “dream in code” – in their spare time, and that is OK. The kind of things – poor teaching, for example – that disproportionately affect women.
That was just the book. The discussion groups were amazing, the best events I have done for university students. We just had these amazing and open conversations about what we find hard, and ways that we find to cope. Especially afterwards, when we could go around and chat to the girls in smaller groups, and they would really open up. I’ve been getting amazing, lovely emails in response to the events, and hopefully more events will follow.
Seriously, if you have any interest in female engineers, read this book. If you can, get a or some copies for female university students near you. I wonder how much would change if every first year girl in (or near) CS got a copy! And if you want to run a discussion group, hit me up, I’d be happy to help.
Over the past year, I feel like I’ve been working through the stages of grief about being a women in tech, and I’ve not been blogging because I couldn’t find the words to share the story I wanted to tell. I’ve denied the extent of the problem. I’ve got angry. I’ve bargained. I’ve cried, and made my exit plan. And finally, I’ve come to some degree of acceptance.
I’ve said, “there are worse places to be a woman than in tech, like a coalmine”. I’ve wondered, what the tax is – a 6 day week rather than a 5 day week? 50% extra than the dude next to you? And finally I’m at the point where I say, “well, it’s better than being an accountant”.
This isn’t a good thing. We need to have hope that it will get better to continue, and I don’t always think it will. Yeah, there are wins, and every nerdy boy we educate is a huge achievement, but there are new ones at such a rate, with their entitlement, and their straight white male privilege, and it seems like a drop in the ocean; it just won’t stem the tide.
It is hard to be on the internet and think that things are getting better, when it seems like every week I read another horrifying story. Because, I know, these are not aberrations – it’s only the horrifying stories that are posted, by people who no longer fear the ramifications. I couldn’t write about GHC last year, because the main thing I walked away with was this knowledge, that we all have these stories, these tales of horrifying misogyny and unfairness, along with a thousand tiny cuts.
I have my story, but whilst my friends know, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to write about it here, because I still fear the ramifications of sharing it. It’s a tale about how I was incredibly stupid, and did not realize what was going on until it was way out of my control, and the willingness of people to ignore the evidence, because they don’t want to believe that is the kind of world they live in.
Someone does/says something horrible, but with such confidence that whilst something rings false, it almost seems normal. And good, well intentioned people who would never do such things themselves, don’t realize how not normal that is.
I understand not wanting to believe that. I wish I still did. That – denial – is what got me into that situation. It was happening to me, and I didn’t realize how far it was from normal. And a long time later, I look at it, and marvel at how I could be so incredibly naive and optimistic about people’s intentions.
There are the thousand tiny cuts. The little comments, the gendered feedback, surprise that you’re an engineer rather than a PM or UX. The feeling of being other. Being the only woman in the room.
But what I realized, is that I wasn’t alone in having my big story, that I couldn’t share. Nor was I alone in having gone to someone nice, and well intentioned, and have them not want to believe this is the world we live in, have them dismiss it, tell me it wasn’t worse because I am a woman, that it is just how it is. And I was not alone in not knowing what to do after that.
But this is the world we live in. And so, when I meet that rare women who tells me she doesn’t have a story, I think, it’s coming for you. Or wonder if it happened, but she didn’t notice at the time and eventually, she will.
It’s hard to believe this, and stand up in front of girls and tell them – be an engineer. I finally did that again for the first time in 2012 a few months ago, with one of my favorite people in Sydney. We did a double act, and it felt like cheating, because he is the kind of nerdy boy, who is so kind, and special and supportive of everyone (but especially women) that if they were all like him, I’d still feel other, but it would be OK.
And then I did a panel at a retreat we hosted. I was so nervous, and I asked myself, “how do I tell them it’s OK?” – but they were university students, and so some of them already had their story, and they know, so I admitted that things happen, but told them “We have each other”.
My friend laughed when I told her I was giving up online dating because “I spend all day surrounded by dudes, the last thing I want to do in the evening is meet more dudes”. It’s true, some days I worry my life doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. But I’m also surrounded by amazing women.
We give – to each other, and those behind us. But we also take, from those around us and ahead of us. I don’t think there is any other way to survive.
I’ve organized things, helped build communities, I’ve mentored, I’ve encouraged, I’ve stood up in front of groups of people so they know there is such a thing as a female engineer. I’ve taken calls from friends in tears, advocated for and tried to protect other women. Told the truth. I’ve held myself to such high standards, researched extensively before ever asking a question on a mailing list because you suck at math / girls suck at math.
New to a city, I’ve been grateful to find those communities ready made. I have mentors, people who encouraged me, who believed me, and in me, I’ve called friends in tears, been advocated for, and been protected. And every year at GHC, I watch these amazing women stand up on stage, and I know, that OK, there may be a tax on being a woman in this industry, but we can work harder, smarter, and better, and we can find the extra that we need to be successful.
I have my story I can’t share. It’s likely you do too. We can tell them in person, if we need to, because they are so depressingly similar and we know. And on bad days, when we want to run away, we can remind ourselves, that we have each other. Which doesn’t always sound like much, but it’s actually pretty incredible.
Couldn’t find original credit for this – if you have it, please send it over.
I’m tired of reading novels about drippy pathetic women waiting for a man to rescue them.
There are the truly awful – Twilight, for example, “one woman’s difficult choice between beastiality and necrophilia”. Or the horrifying 50 Shades. By all means, let us have erotica, but what is sexy about a pathetic, spineless woman being degraded? The best thing about 50 Shades is that it bought us this hilarious review (for all the books – this reviewer suffered for her art).
Those ones are fairly easy to avoid, but then there are those that start out well but end up with the woman realising her dream job is not actually her dream, and her real ideal is about 75% less ambitious and handily convenient for the man in her life.
Don’t get me wrong, I like escapism, but is it really too much to want to get to the end of a novel and still respect the female protagonist?
Jennifer Weiner’s novel The Next Best Thing (Amazon), for once, did that. It’s about a woman, a real woman, and it’s a really great story.
Emily Griffin’s Where We Belong (Amazon) I didn’t love quite as much, but also, good. Depressingly realistic in the way that women are punished, punish ourselves.
And Marian Keyes is always amazing. I love her work, sadly not all of it is available on Kindle.
Always looking for new things to read so if you have recommendations of novels I’d love them!
I wanted to see this since it came out, but I finally got round to watching The Iron Lady on the plane to Australia. At first I thought I was going to hate it, because it starts with Maggie really old, and clearly losing her grip on reality somewhat. Actually I spent almost the entire time I was watching it feeling quite close to tears.
But, however you feel about her politics, it’s a pretty great movie. Meryl Streep is – as ever – phenomenal. I wasn’t really old enough to experience the Thatcher years, but in the movie, as in real life (I think) she was a strong woman, doing an impossible job. The media training bit is particularly fascinating – after she’s criticized for being “shrill” and deliberately works to change her voice. The proposal is my favorite bit – refusing to change, to give up her ambition. This is who you will be marrying. Be OK with that.
My friend and I are talking about the price you pay, as a woman, for success. The men who – in theory – support women being awesome, but in practice want their partner to be a little less awesome than they are. She tells me, she’s deliberately hiding how much she makes from her boyfriend, because she doesn’t want to deal with the fallout from that.
This movie is about that price. And towards the end of her time as PM, when she’s pushing too hard, going too far, I wonder – if you always have to be so strong because the people are so quick to doubt, to judge, that you end up losing your ability to differentiate between when you’re being strong because you need to be strong, and when you’re being stubborn out of habit.
I loveBig Bang Theory (Amazon), but, and bear with me for a depressing though of the day, I think Sheldon is the most feminist of all the guys. Of course, that is in large part because he despises everyone as being beneath him, but the people who has has a little-more-than-grudging respect for include: Amy Farrah Fowler, Leonard’s mother, and his own mother (OK, that one is more fear than respect). All women.
Of course Leonard and Raj have a whole ton of issues to do with women, but Howard I find interesting. Howard is engaged to Bernadette, who has a PhD and a good job. He’s cool with this, proud of her even, but you see his discomfort when she buys him something pretty because she’s making so much more money than he does. He’s pro children, and someone staying home to raise them, until she points out that financially it makes sense if he’s the one who stays home.
Howard is what I think of as an “intellectual feminist”. He’s cool with successful women, working with them, working for them. But when it comes to the reality that his partner is more successful (on some measures) than he is? Well that makes him uncomfortable.
But, it happens in the real world too, I’ve seen (and dated), men who were cool with successful women, attracted to it, even, but then came to resent it.
Easy to see in the world of romance, but also outside of it. A woman having a professional disagreement she feels passionately about, has her argument discounted because she’s being emotional. A guy hits send on an inappropriately critical/complaining email, to a woman, that he probably wouldn’t have hit send on had it been a guy who he was unhappy with. Or, at least, maybe he wouldn’t have cc’d a guy‘s boss.
Years ago, the Sexist Pig would look you up and down, and tell you to fetch him a coffee before performing a sexual favor. The Sexist Pig of today is more subtle. They think – and this has been demonstrated lately – that they are completely egalitarian and people are just being over-sensitive/taking things the wrong way. They are an intellectual feminist.
Howard is a pure Intellectual Feminist. He gets that sick look on his face, but doesn’t say anything – I like to think it’s not out of fear of losing Bernadette but because he realizes he’s made a flawed assumption. In my theory of Intellectual Feminism and Sexist Pigs, where the intellectual feminist starts to cross into Sexist Pig territory, it’s because they are acting on their flawed assumptions and trying to justify them. They can’t take that a woman pointed out that they are wrong, and so they go on the attack and try and destroy the woman’s credibility. They generalize, “I worked with a woman and didn’t really like it, and I’d prefer not to do that again”. Personally, or professionally, they try to hurt the woman who has (unintentionally) challenged their self-esteem.
Sometimes people say things, or do things, that are manifestly wrong, and stupid. But mostly, it’s a thousand little cuts. Questions, where we ask ourselves – would he be behaving that way, if I were a dude? Maybe the answer is No, and that is a problem. But the fact that question even crosses her mind at all? That is what eats away at her – at me – and makes Sheldon seem like not that terrible a person to interact with, after all.
I mean, yes he would be like that with a dude. He’s kind of a jerk.
I read about Blood, Bones and Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton (Amazon) on the Eloquent Woman blog, which discussed a section of the book in which the author writes about a panel she was on, and things she wanted to say, but didn’t. It was a panel about female chefs. Initially she has an attitude of “why are we still talking about this?” but it turns into frustration with the other panelists, as they come out with trite things and she wants to say, but doesn’t, that it is hard to do the second shift, to constantly second guess yourself, make tradeoffs between your work and your family.
I was fascinated, drawing parallels between that and women in tech, and trying to find some broader variety in my reading matter. So I bought it.
That is my favorite chapter in the book, but the book as a whole I also really enjoyed and it gave context for it. This woman has had a fascinating and extremely eventful life. So many stories. They can seem a little disjointed, and the ending a little abrupt, but it’s an autobiography not a novel, so I forgive it.
I think, ultimately, the thing that gripped me most is that this woman is fantastically successful, and it’s clear – and she writes about this – that she never had a plan. She never set out to be a chef. She went off to grad school thinking about becoming a writer. And here she is, apparently both. There are so many people who are all about the plan, say they always knew. It’s refreshing to see this other, honest, perspective, of not knowing what the hell you’re doing but working incredibly hard and figuring it out as you go along.
“Someone once said to you that you didn’t have a romantic bone in your body, and I’ve come to think they were right…”
Credit: flickr / Apostolos Letov
My friend and mentor says. I forget where the conversation went from there, but I feel that she would have been shocked to find me curled up with Pride and Prejudice (free on Kindle!) for the umpteenth time shortly after.
I love Pride and Prejudice, though. The BBC TV series, the movie, and the modern tale of Bridget Jones (all Amazon). It’s that moment in the middle when Elizabeth tells Darcy, no, you don’t get to speak to me like that and expect me to be grateful – you don’t get to treat me with so little respect and have me thank you for it.
Of course, at the end Lizzy is putting aside some of her “pin money” to give to her feckless sister, and I can’t help contrasting it with the story Carol Leaman told at our last Girl Geeks Dinner in KW about cutting a personal cheque for a large amount of money to a company she’d just started at in order for them to make payroll.
We’ve come a long way. And yet – I still see things that make me wonder how far. The woman who says “my boyfriend is my top priority”. The woman who says “I’ll vote the way my husband does”. The woman who compromises her career because her partner won’t compromise his. I want to yell at them – it’s 2011. You get more than that. Take it.
In the same week I read Penelope Trunk’s post on how her husband is physically abusive. And discover the existence of the Atheist Feminist movement. I’m a little shocked by this, because given the effectiveness of religion to subjugate women, I took it for granted that if we got rid of the religion we’d have equality. Apparently not.
And so Lizzy’s feistiness reminds me to say – you deserve more. A reminder I should heed the next time someone overlooks me, because I’m a woman. The next time someone tells me I need to be more aggressive in order to be successful. The next time I don’t fight for something because I don’t believe I deserve to win.
You deserve more. Take it.
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as part of a group of us at work – after reading Lean In (Amazon) and having a discussion group, this came up as one to read next. Then I read an article complaining about her feminism, which I went looking for only to find this article about criticism of her, which I found more compelling so I’ll share that instead.
