Accidentally in Code

Tag: travel

  • What is Work-Life Balance, Anyway?

    What is Work-Life Balance, Anyway?

    Aurelia on the Cloud Swing
    Credit: flickr / terriseesthings

    Women, especially, seem to talk about work-life-balance – and it’s synonym, work-life-integration (a la IBM) a lot. But what does it mean?

    The cop out, d’uh, answer is, different things to everyone.

    I’ve come to think that what it means is that the pieces that make up your life (work, family, friends, exercise, hobbies, etc etc)  have an arrangement, and a quantity, such that if this is how your life is going to look like for the next 3 months – 6 months – a year – that would be okay. You wouldn’t feel that something large was missing, nor would you feel like curling up into a ball and crying at the prospect.

    Of course, it isn’t static. Life changes, and there will be spikes – good and bad – any change is a spike. At some point, you’d seek out new challenge, and that would be a spike. A change in circumstances would be a spike. A holiday would be a spike, or three spikes, as you try to get stuff finished up before leaving, take a break, and come back to a pile of work. Hopefully the spike in the middle would be a pleasurable one.

    But my point is, balance is not happening when you’re at capacity and you think, yes, I can do the next three months as long as nothing goes wrong. When has that ever happened? Mostly you make it work, but at what cost? You look back and think “I missed out on X” – and that’s a loss. Even if X is just spending an afternoon in a coffee shop with a book, or a couple of movie nights with your partner or best friend – because living like this long-term leads to greater losses, of creativity, of peace of mind, of relationships. Spikes are okay, expected – but they should be spikes, not normal.

    I’m currently reading The Power of Now – rather fuzzy and spiritual for my taste, however the focus on being present is making me think. In a balanced life, by which I mean, a sustainable life, we are not thinking “I just need to survive X and things will be OK, I’ll be calmer and happier and have more time for Y then”.

    It’s a conclusion that screams out to me, because I’m pretty sure I’ve been thinking “I just need to survive this month” since at least July. I feel like I missed out so much in grad school – because of time, money, commitments, that I created a project (Post Grad Rehab) to help redress that. January is, thankfully, the last month I need to “survive”. Hopefully in February I will go back to living. But, without spending some time thinking how I’ve spent 6 months straight feeling like I’m on the edge of what I can cope with, will I just end up repeating this again and again?

    It’s been helpful to make three lists. The first – what needs to change? Second, what’s working? Third, what do I need to figure out?

    The first list comprises the things that I just feel I cannot carry on with. I think this is the most important, because these are the big huge spikes that are just derailing and draining me completely. The second list is about taking stock of what is helping – it’s a reminder to keep at these things, and maybe I can find patterns and discover more ways to live more sustainably. The third list are things that may be drowned out by the big things in the first list, but may become big things themselves if left unchecked.

    The dancer
    Credit: flickr / Rohan Reid

    What Needs To Change?

    1. Travel. I have been jittering about like Tigger on speed. Since April, I’ve made 5 trips to the US, 3 to Kitchener (from Ottawa), one to Winnipeg, and I’ll make my third trip to Europe at the end of this week. And I moved! First, I’m fed up of living out of suitcases. Second, it’s made it difficult to have a routine. Third, I’m an ambivert and travel uses up my extraversion and leaves me unsociable – not great when I’ve just moved to a new place and need to meet people! I just can’t continue living like this, it’s not fun anymore. It’s not – “ooh, new place”. It’s “another plane and another timezone change? Shoot me now”.
    2. Rehab. This is actually my focus for February, fittingly as it will be a year since I injured my shoulder. I have been dosed up on codeine and/or in pain for a year because of lack of health-care, not taking time to heal, and taking (did I mention?) too many planes.

    What’s Working?

    1. Work Stays at Work. At the end of the day, I close my laptop and leave it at the office. I have my work calendar – (my only calendar, now) but not work-email on my iPhone. I love my job, but this distinction – shut the laptop, leave it there, is helpful for drawing a line and doing other things.
    2. Gym in the Morning. When I don’t work out in the morning, I seem to have better hair, but my mood is not better, and I have less energy. 6am is a bit early for spinning (7am would be ideal) but going in the evening when I’m tired and hungry and have experienced the cold is actually much harder! I need to keep working at this – hopefully once I’m done travelling for a bit I will be able to get up at 530am for spinning – and not go to bed at 8pm.

    What Do I Need to Figure Out?

    1. Email. Don’t laugh – I’m actually working on mobile gMail. Between that and managing my work email, my personal email is a desolate wasteland of dashed expectations. I have emails starred as important from more than 6 months ago that I haven’t got to. I have emails deemed important by priority inbox from over a month ago that I haven’t even read. This is not okay, especially since I’m getting almost no emails from annoying people lately and so these are all from people that I like and think deserve a prompt response. So first – I’m sorry, email me again if it’s important until I respond, (perhaps with a subject line like “CATE YOU ARE A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING”). I think if I could get on top of it it would be OK, but I’ve thought that before. Mind you, that was some time ago…
    2. Food. Because it’s a smaller office we don’t get dinner here. Yes, I realize, there are #firstworldproblems and there are #googlersproblems. But it is hard to get up and work out at 6am when I didn’t have dinner because there was nothing in the fridge and I decided it was too cold to pick up food. Maybe I could make some soup.
    3. Social Life. This is really “hang out with people outside of work and make more friends”.
    4. Projects. I’m transitioning out of my role with Awesome Ottawa because it’s hard to do remotely and it’s not as much fun when you’re not part of the debate over what to fund. I’ll miss it, but everything says – time to move on and the group is working out ways to organize so I’m optimistic about that. We’ve been lacking submissions on CompSci Woman and I think it’s because Maggie and I are not very good at chasing people to write for us (or getting hold of each other to talk about a new theme!) I need to talk to her to work out what to do about that. Then there are projects in KW that I want to take on, but it is a question of what I have capacity for. What do I spend time on? What do I opt out of?
    5. Creating. I’m really lucky in that I get to work on software that people use every day and even with my dysfunctional relationship with email I do think it is genuinely something that is helpful to people (who haven’t discovered Twitter – I’m kidding. Mostly). That’s awesome. Create something useful, absolutely what I want to do. But I don’t want to stop creating things just because they are interesting, or fun, and I don’t want to stop writing here, either.
  • I ♥ My Kindle

    I ♥ My Kindle

    KindleI finally caved and got a Kindle (Amazon). My friend showed me his, and it looked pretty cool, and then I packed up my apartment… and I have a lot of books. And it started to seem stupid that I was carrying around all these large, physical objects. Time to digitize.

    Ironically I had held off getting one in part because of having a lot of physical books. In the interim, I kept buying books because I read a lot so the problem has just been getting worse. Time to go digital. Between now and when I move again (I think about 2 years) I’m going to give away or sell my physical books and replace the ones I want to keep with digital versions.

    Five reasons why I love my Kindle:

    1. Case with light – Kindle Lighted Leather Cover (Amazon) combined with the Kindle made my 24 hours sans power in my apartment much more bearable.
    2. Carrying multiple books at once. I can go out for the day with a novel and a non-fiction book and alternate between them. Well actually a whole array of books, but the point is – reading multiple books at once is much more pleasant. Also, I flew back to the UK for 3 and a half weeks and my suitcase and backpack were that much lighter – I didn’t bring any books, just my Kindle.
    3. Free books. There are TONS, particularly popular classics like Pride and Prejudice etc although it’s hard to find the page listing them on Amazon. You can also look for limited time offers. Also, lending books is possible. I think I was holding out for this feature before I would get one! Anyway, if you want to borrow one of mine that I write about on here let me know – I’ll be happy to share it with you.
    4. Reading novels is fun again – when I decide I want one, it arrives instantly. No waiting, no need to go to the bookstore. I love it.
    5. It doesn’t feel like a gadget. I’m just reading a book. I’m not distracted by popups or alternative activities (a black and white web browser is just weird). I find the UX to be really well designed for the context – it just gets out the way.

    The downsides. I’m flying a lot at the moment and the Kindle is considered an electronic device that should be powered off on takeoff and landing. Yes, for real. Perhaps they’d like me to power off my digital watch as well? Hopefully airlines will come up with a sensible policy for this as given that it only uses power when you change a page, I don’t think it can’t be considered an electronic device the way an iPad is. That is a little frustrating.

    Bigger was Amazon’s response to Wikileaks which I wasn’t keen on. I’d literally just committed to buying all books from them and then that? I was not overjoyed by that. It does tie you in to one supplier, which can be problematic.

    But, overall, I’m really happy I bought one.

  • Chaos

    Chaos

    50mm HBW
    Credit: flickr / kevindooley

    Last week, I returned to Canada and signed and sent in my offer letter from Google. Then, 3 days later I rushed off to Kitchener to find an apartment.

    Because I didn’t get a TA at uOttawa (stupid union, and yes, I have noticed the irony and hilarity of – offer from Google, no TA from UO), I’ve decided to relocate earlier because the cost of living in KW is lower and it’s unpleasant to move in December.

    I stopped by the Google office to get my police check form signed and they gave me a t-shirt. I love it! This is really happening! I’m still in shock, and alternating between excitement and freaking out about going to work with such amazing and smart people. Periodically, I panic that I don’t know how to code Google docs, and then reassure myself that no-one expects me to come in knowing how to do that (right? Right?!?!)

    Meanwhile, I’m heading to GHC 2010 next week, and Boston sometime later in the month, I’m giving two talks in October (I think – the earliest one is unconfirmed and I have no clue what I’m talking about). I need to pack up my life into boxes and move. I need to say goodbye to everyone. I also need to work on my thesis. I really need a haircut.

    Meanwhile, there is a family issue that is really horrible and upsetting (I can’t write about it right now) and because of that it’s difficult to plan times of things. Also, I’ve been dealing with some conflict and having just finished The Anatomy of Peace (Amazon) I’m also having a crisis that I’m not truly living outside of the box in accordance with my values. Sometime soon I’m going to work out how to write about that, too.

    I don’t think I’ve spent a week straight at home since early August. All this rushing about is making me feel like I’m going slightly crazy, and without the structure of an office and expected times to be there it’s hard to be productive on my thesis – especially after a summer off.

    In times of stress, it’s really important to prioritize. I’m aiming to give myself some structure by working out first thing in the morning, and will try and spend my days in the office. I’m also throwing my posting schedule out the window.

    Just a heads up. Expect to hear from me here but perhaps not on the same Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday schedule that I’ve been on during the summer. Don’t expect prompt replies to email. Do expect bad hair.

    That is all. Advice welcome!

  • Perspectives on Perfectionism

    Perspectives on Perfectionism

    I was reading random posts on Penelope Trunk’s blog last week when I came across one on perfectionism. Basically, she was saying that perfectionism is stupid.

    I have some perfectionist tendencies, but I’m not going to argue with this. I think perfectionism can mean you avoid the feeling of OK, what next, what’s inspiring me today? – you’re always busy “perfecting”, never happy with what you’ve done. My perfectionism has definitely calmed down, and I think this is in part due to some of the experiences I had on my gap year, so I’m going to share them with you.

    China

    In 2007, I spent 3 months in China, 2 of them training in martial arts near Yantai in Northern China. I trained with a shaolin monk, for about 6 hours a day Monday-Friday. I existed on perhaps 1000 calories a day. It was intense, but being so focused on the physical was interesting. I spent a lot of time reflecting. I lived for a week without internet access (where we were was pretty remote, Yantai is a small city and we were over an hour drive away).

    Shaolin Monks can spend a year working on a form. A form is a memorized series of movements, like a dance with intent. It has to be perfect before you move to the next one – the first is a basic form, no weapons. Then you move on to the staff form, after that there are swords and stuff. It’s pretty awesome. The Westeners where we were, didn’t have to spend a year on a single form – it took around a month for each (where half the days were spent on Sanda – Chinese kickboxing – and fitness). But the quest for perfection was still extreme to me. One of the masters I trained with would threaten to deny us lunch if we hadn’t perfected something, and we would have to train instead. When you’re hungry constantly and lunch is where you get most of your nourishment, this is quite terrifying. Another time, we were doing drills of kicks to his count. I missed a count, and he hit me with his staff. It hurt, but I had to carry on. I effectively did extra (because I did the kick on the count as well) but it didn’t matter. Perfection was what was important.

    There was a girl who’d been there longer than me, she was just 17 and behaved like a child – and a bully – too. I never fully internalized the quest for perfection, but she had – in front of the master, at least. Elsewhere she drank alcohol, slacked off, and was a bully. My master, from something he said to me, seemed to know this too.

    Lesson? You can pretend to be perfect, but people will see through you if you don’t live by it. Perfectionism in one aspect of your life will not make you a good person, and will not make people like you.

    View from the Top
    View from the top of the hill we ran up and down 4 times on a Friday
    On Fridays, we would run up and down the hill in the picture above, there were steps. Many people didn’t manage it their first week (you’re already exhausted) but I was determined to. It took about 2 hours, and I didn’t do it perfectly. I walked parts of it. I looked a mess. But I did it. The picture on the right shows what I looked like at the top for the last time. I’m beat! The next time was a lot easier.

    Lesson? Sometimes, getting it done is what counts. Don’t opt out of something because you’re worried you won’t do it perfectly.

    Me after my first 4 times up the hill
    Me, after my first 4 times up the hill – killer! But I made it.

    Europe

    In Europe, I traveled with a guy I’d met in China. He was older than me, and frustrated that his life hadn’t turned out as he expected it too. He complained – a lot – he took things out on me – a lot. We had some fun too, though, and so when we parted ways in Switzerland, I thought I would be sad and miss him. Actually, I was just relieved.

    Lesson? You can plan, and you can check all the boxes but things can still go awry. Complaining won’t change that, so you’ll just have to make the best of it.

    Have you seen the Gaudi Building in Barcelona? From the outside, it looks like whoever created it was high as a kite.

    Gaudi Building
    Gaudi Building – looks crazy from the outside!

    But from the inside, it’s the most beautiful and light-filled building I’ve ever been in.

    Inside the Gaudi Building - beautiful and full of light
    Inside the Gaudi Building – beautiful and full of light

    Lesson? Even if something doesn’t seem perfect, it can be.

    Canada

    After, I headed to Canada to train as a ski instructor. My parents had been learning to ski with the BASI ski school shortly before I left (I was with them). The difference was fascinating. The BASI way is to do a snowplough perfectly before you progress. The result is, my mother does an exemplary snowplough (better than mine!) but I wonder whether she will progress to anything more. She’s committed to it, but so much effort into it, spent so long doing it she’s scared of the alternative.

    The Canadian way treats the snowplough as a tool. You have to do it good enough, and then you progress. The purpose of it is to start you moving on snow, get the sensation of the weight on your downhill ski and a sense of where your balance is… and that’s it. Then you progress.

    Lesson? Don’t expend too much effort on something that’s just a tool, a means to an end. Don’t commit yourself so fully to something that should just be a stepping stone on your way to something greater.

    In skiing, the quest for perfectionism comes later. I’m a perfectionist on my carving technique, I like to ski fast so I can’t really afford not to be. I’ll spend hours doing drills, focusing on where every part of my body is and making sure all my movements are in harmony. But – I want to be a great skiier, and the better I get the further I realize I am from that. For someone who just wants to ski for fun, good enough is fine.

    The US

    Back in the US again, I ended up working with a guy who’s job was impeded by his drinking habits. My inner perfectionist came out, and I kept picking up the pieces, anticipating where he would screw up and making sure I compensated for his shortcomings.

    I resented him so much. He was having a great time, and I was not. I was exhausted by picking up the pieces and disheartened by him having been given the job that I proved every day I could do better. And I thought that someone would notice this, that our boss would realize that he was incompetent and drunk. But she didn’t. In fact she told me that I should have let him fail. I never knew, given the nature of our job, when would have been an OK time to do that. His mistakes all seemed too big, his oversights were on things too important.

    Lesson? Don’t be a perfectionist for someone else. You won’t be noticed, because no-one notices disasters that don’t happen, mistakes that aren’t made.

    The real kicker? He got the job again next year. I ended up in China, which is cooler, but still. I heard on the grapevine that he didn’t suck. So a lot of what I was doing he could have done all along, he just chose to let me take responsibility – and I chose to take it.

    Now…

    We spend a lot of time and energy seeking out perfection in places where it’s unrealistic. Sometimes we think we’ve worked so hard and are so talented that what we deserve will come to us. That’s nonsense. It wasn’t the case for the guy I traveled with in Europe, and it wasn’t the case for me in the US. Perfectionism is a free pass to ignore the bigger picture, but when you look at it… why would you want to? The bigger picture is a much more beautiful, exciting thing.

    Learning to let stuff go when it’s not “done” is scary. But the thought of clinging on to things and missing out is, I think, scarier. Last week I handed in my report for my combinatorial algorithms class, on the clique finding I’d done for Twitter graphs. It wasn’t perfect, there was lots more I could have done, and wanted to. But here’s the bigger picture – my supervisors and I hope there’s something publishable there. So why worry about the micro-picture, my grade, when the macro – a publication – is so much better?