Accidentally in Code

Tag: Relocating

  • Making Someplace New, Home

    Making Someplace New, Home

    tiny clay houses
    Credit: Flickr / D. Ferragamo

    I’ve had this conversation multiple times lately, so it’s time to document it. I feel like a hippocrite offering these observations, since I don’t feel at all at home in London yet, but at least I’m mindfully unhappy about it.

    Even somewhat 1-dimensional workaholics have multiple aspects to their lives (they normally have somewhere to sleep, for example). Most of us have many. Mine are:

    Career: Where am I working, what am I working on, am I learning, progressing, appreciated?
    Friends (and Family): Who do I hang out with? Who can I call if I need to chat? Do we have standing dates?
    Life Infrastructure: Apartment, commute, food, gym, airport (where can I go for a weekend?).
    Culture: Art, theatre.
    Romance: Who I’m dating, or the dating scene if I’m single.

    Typically, a move is driven by one of the big two (career, romance), but everything else changes too. You have to work to build up the other aspects of your life, or in the case of the Life Infrastructure category just accept that they are different.

    Career

    If you move for your career, that is a lot of pressure to put on your job. If your job is the major thing in your life, and it sucks, then you life sucks. Sometimes it is going to suck. I moved to Sydney for career/life infrastructure/culture reasons (I wanted to live in a city again). For the first 6 months, my career was great – I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, I got promoted, I felt stretched in the right ways. Later it kinda started to suck. And I was so grateful that I had friends outside of work, that I could call and cry on.

    And then I moved to London so that I would have a better job – I evaluated the data on what helps women in tech (essentially, a sponsor), I found it. I followed it. It was a good decision. But because this was a 1-dimensional move, I had to work extra hard on all the other aspects to make them manageable.

    Friends (and Family)

    The book I recommend to everyone who is moving is MWF Seeks BFF. It’s a book about a woman who moves to Chicago for her husband, and how she managed to build a group of BFFs. The big thing: follow up. You ask someone to do something specific, and if they say no you have to ask again. Unless they say, “no I never want to see you again”, of course. If you suggest a theatre show and they say “just not into theatre” you suggest brunch. If you suggest brunch and they tell you they don’t eat out because gluten/money suggest a walk, or a free show somewhere.

    Possibly weird behaviour, but… I read the Londonist, filter through the mass of information, and pull things that appeal to me into a spreadsheet. I add restaurants that appeal to my todo list on foursquare. This means I always have things that I can suggest someone do with me.

    I have managed to get to the point that I will follow up after one rejection, but that’s it. Maybe at some point I will manage to follow up twice.

    Meeting people, get intros, or take courses, I’ve met some great people via Twitter. If someone seems fun and you chat suggest that you get coffee together. Most people will be flattered, and what I’ve found is that there are very few people who already feel like they have too many friends.

    Life Infrastructure

    I tend to choose an apartment by deciding what is important to me, and finding something that fits those criteria. In KW, this was basically “walking distance from office, has a washing machine” – this narrowed it down to one apartment building, which made things very easy. In Sydney, I liked where my friend lived – close to downtown, walkable to work, so I just got (well, she got for me) an apartment in her building. London was harder, but also less pressing because I could commute weekly from my parents place. So, I took the train in for the week, and booked surprise (secret) hotels in different parts of town. This helped me see different parts of town, and get an idea of where I would like to live. Eventually I picked Kensington and Chelsea, now I know more people, I wish I lived in East/Central London, but it’s manageable until October.

    It’s important not to underestimate the misery of the commute. This is well documented in behavioural psychology. Long commutes make people miserable. Don’t do it.

    Other key things: I’m on a tube line that goes direct to Heathrow. My gym is less than a 20 minute walk away, and it’s really nice – a little oasis of calm in a hectic city. There are places to eat, and an M&S nearby so I don’t need to cook (or own plates). These are the things that are important for me.

    Culture

    This is the one thing about London that I have to admit is amazing. I do something cultural every week. I also did this in Sydney, but in London there’s even more. I love the small shows, and that I get to see originals of artists that I’ve seen online and loved – like Liu Bolin (the invisible man), Leonid Tishkov and the Republic of the Moon, The Architecture of Density. There is so much theatre, I got to see I Can’t Sing, which was such a disaster that I doubt it will ever be shown anywhere else, but I really enjoyed. In Sydney, I adored Cockatoo Island, and the Biennale.

    Everywhere has stuff going on. KW was surprisingly vibrant for such a small town – Ignite was a big deal, for example. Find out what’s going on, and go.

    Romance

    The second big reason to move, not that I have ever moved for this reason. If you move for your partner, you have to find a way to create a life for yourself there too. Otherwise, it’s a lot of pressure to put on your relationship, and them.

    If you move for other reasons and leave someone behind, or go long distance… it’s so hard. This I have done. I felt sad, and guilty. They can be resentful, angry. Everyone gets to have their own emotions here. It’s hard to leave; it’s hard to be left.

    The last date I went on was the one with the misogynist that I live tweeted, after which I decided to take 6 months off dating. But typically if I’m single, I try and go on dates. I have to put myself out there, and it’s a good way to see things and meet people – even if you don’t end up in a relationship with them. The thing, I think, is not to let it become a distraction. It’s easier to find date-dates than friend-dates, so don’t focus on it to the exclusion of other aspects of your life.

    In Summary…

    Your life has more than one dimension! Think about what these dimensions are. The dimensions that suck the most after you move are the places which require the most effort. Don’t neglect them.

  • On Coming “Home”

    On Coming “Home”

    Yotsuba and Danbo:Trick or Treat on Halloween
    Credit: DeviantArt / kixkillradio

    A while ago, someone introduced me to the concept of “Third Culture Kids”.

    “Third culture kid (TCK, 3CK) is a term used to refer to children who were raised in a culture outside of their parents’ culture for a significant part of their development years.”

    I remember identifying with some of the aspects, of not knowing where is home, and observing, “I did this to myself”.

    There have been many things that I have found weird about returning to the UK. The biggest one is, that is does not feel like home. 7 years is a long time to be away, I guess. Not that I ever identified with many aspects of British culture – the drinking, the football, the somewhat xenophobic attitude to Europe. I do, have always, identified as European. But still. I do not feel British. I also do not sound British, so whilst some people ask where I am from (“Australia?” “America?”, something that I find hilarious as in those countries people always found me extremely English-sounding), sometimes people just give me cultural tips, and express concern about how I’m coping with the weather.

    But still. London is not that British a place, it is very multicultural and people from all over the world live there. It looks British, though, the architecture. The large houses carved up into oddly shaped apartments, that’s British. The weather is decidedly British.

    The hardest thing for me has been to cope with this feeling of displacement, of not belonging. I loved being an expat, I loved the adventure of it and the feeling of potential. I thrived on the slight feeling of uncertainty, or opportunity – I can leave. The knowledge that I probably would. The extra thrill, when it seemed like everything in my life is in place – I came away and found this, I didn’t settle. Falling in love and thinking, I could stay for you (of course the flip side of this is the pressure it creates).

    I guess when I was an expat, it was OK not to belong. Now, I just feel lost. When I was an expat, I had an idea of where I would go next. Now I wonder, is this it?

    Unless I move to America, which if you work for an American company comes up regularly. I have never wanted to live in America, either.

    I feel this sense of loss. Being an expat was part of my identity. As well as a sense of failure, a dash of resentment to circumstances conspiring. I feel like I used to be a more interesting person, I miss that.

    I don’t know how to deal with that. It’s been 6 months. Do I grieve? I think I have. Career-wise, it’s been the best decision I have ever made. Life-wise, I still don’t know.

    But I come back around to the Third Culture Kids. Yes, I did this to myself. But these feelings are normal. That is the price you pay for adventures, for knowledge – you know what’s out there, and where you are not.

  • The Second Hardest Thing About Moving

    The Second Hardest Thing About Moving

    [LAST FRAGMENTS OF WINTER] A girl alone on a bridge
    Credit: Flickr / Edmund Yeo
    The hardest thing about moving is obviously leaving people you love behind. There are two parts of this – first, there are always the people who don’t seem to be bothered that you left. Which even though I know, and expect now, I still find crushing. The ones who stop hanging out even before you leave because, I don’t know? You’ll be gone so there’s no point anymore?

    Then there are the people who you know you’ll see again, and who make the effort to stay in touch, and who let you know they they’re sad you’re going, sad you’re gone. It’s been three months since I left Sydney and there are still people I miss every day. Who I message just to say hi, which we can get out of the habit of doing, it can seem weird. But these are my people. They miss me too. I think they like it. (Approaching two years since I left Canada, there are still people there I miss like crazy too).

    But that it’s hard to leave people is obvious. And we worry about the big things, like taxes, and distances, and where will we live.

    Every time I’ve moved, I’ve got culture shock. In Ottawa it was being unable to order pizza. KW, it was being unable to find bagels within walking distance of my apartment. Sydney, it was being unable to find a pharmacy when I needed a basic over the counter med (for a stress induced mouth ulcer, oh the irony).

    London, I think it was the difficulty I found in leaving for two week trip now that I (1) keep food in my apartment and (2) heat my apartment. Even in Canada, I usually didn’t bother heating my apartment, because I lived in apartment buildings and just leached off the passive warmth of the whole building. But in London I live in a cold and slightly damp basement flat, and I actually have to heat it. And in London, there is no mall food, so I go to the grocery store, and put things in the fridge, and have to make sure that the fridge and bin and recycling are empty, because when you actually buy food and throw out it’s remnants and packaging, this is something you need to worry about.

    The heating thing is a little more weird, but maybe will make sense when I explain that it was nearly a month into my lease before I actually found the thermostat. Most of the time I’m still cold, but now it’s set to 20 degrees rather than 15 sometimes I don’t need a blanket AND a sweater.

    I also forgot a bunch of stuff (belt, hair serum, drugs, charger for my UP band) because my packing was honed in my Sydney apartment. I think it’s changed because I have more, smaller places to keep things.

    But anyway, the hardest things are the little things, and habits. Trying to form new habits like, walking more, or when I go to the gym, are the things I’m having the most difficulty with. Especially when it’s dark, and grey, and I just want to wrap myself in blankets in my chilly apartment and worry about it tomorrow.

    Moving is hard. I miss Thursday night workouts with my friend, near weekly theatre trips with another, and it being so easy to find someone to do anything with. I miss calling people for a chat on the walk home from work.

    But I also miss… having a tumble dryer. The weekend Cate-time double bill (gym -> mall food -> gym). Iced tea. The walk to work. Knowing where to get my hair cut. And being able to leave for a trip without needing to worry about taking out the trash.

  • How To Leave a Country

    For someone who seems to have an incurable fear of forms, I move too often. There is nothing I have found so far that has more bureaucracy than moving, especially if that move requires you to obtain a visa.

    Dealing with the logistics is time-consuming and stressful, but not hard. Dispose of assets: car (the last tie to my ex, so glad that is done with), cancel outgoings: apartment, phone, internet, insurance, electricity, gym membership. Because things were uncertain up until the last minute, I ended up paying extra because many things were cancelled at the last minute. I consider this an investment in an easier life, but maybe I am just disorganized and indecisive.

    Weird, because I bought a one-way ticket out of Canada, luckily I had enough airmiles, so it was cheap (one-ways to and from North America are normally extortionate) and business class – thankfully, after 3 days with little sleep and the last day or so I was too stressed to eat as well I arrived looking and feeling like I had been electrocuted and spent the night in a ditch, and that was with a fully reclining seat and a full night’s sleep on the plane (can’t imagine how I would have been had I flown economy)! But I have a couple of weeks in limbo (in the UK, Copenhagen and Singapore) so the departure from Canada and my arrival in Sydney have been completely separate. I didn’t apply for the Australian Visa or book my flight until after I arrived in the UK. But now I have both (Australian immigration is efficient) and I will arrive in Sydney July 27th.

    You end one life, you start another. Visa, bank account, somewhere to live. Despite having relatively little, I am determined to have less in my next location. Thankfully my friend in Sydney enjoys apartment hunting, my hope is that she will have sorted out somewhere for me to live before I arrive.

    Anyway, I’m not qualified to tell anyone how to deal with bureaucracy. But leaving, that I am good at.

    Truth is, I was heart-broken to leave KW. So much in Sydney that I’m excited for, and I need to live in a city, the city-planning of KW makes everywhere feel like suburbia, an environment I am completely unsuited to. But the community is so vibrant and amazing, and the people I know are so wonderful. I have doubted the decision to leave many, many times, but I was always going to go.

    Glad I have my time in limbo though, I left during pitch night (a story for another blog post) and to go from that huge outpouring of love and many of my favorite people in town to a place where I know one person outside of work, that would be quite a culture shock.

    I tend to say “why not” instead of “why”, so when everything in my life seemed to disappear at once, I said “why not go” instead of “why stay”. The way you frame the question, makes an outcome more likely. And the thing is, I want to have an international life and career, I just expected to go back to Europe now, but I’m not. Sydney is too beautiful, one of my favorite people in the world is there, and the opportunity is really good for me. It’s never a good time to leave, but some times are less terrible than others, and I think less terrible doesn’t come around that often – so I tell myself that I have to take advantage of it when it does.

    But it is hard, and I would talk to people more settled than me and they would quiz me on the how and why, or say they wanted to move to X but hadn’t because of Y, and the truth is, I have all the same fears and concerns, I just do it anyway. I miss my family, have since I left the UK (timezones make it hard), but you only get your twenties once, either you  take advantage of that, or you don’t. I don’t want to be wishing I had lived in X or done Y 10 years from now, I want to do it.

    We had some girl guides into the office the other week, and I listed “economic freedom” as a benefit of being a female engineer. Economic freedom means you can leave a bad relationship if it is not working out, and not be tied by financial considerations. It means you can up sticks and move to another continent if you want that adventure; it also means you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It is the freedom to make your own decisions, and live your own life, confident that you can financially support yourself and others if necessary.

    And I write my profile for OK Cupid, and worry that I seem like a feckless fuckwit. But, whatever, this is my life and I like the adventure, people who judge I probably don’t want to hang out with. And, this is a special time when I’m economically free, and completely lacking in responsibilities. Good chance it won’t last forever (although I’ll do what I can to see that it does!), so I should enjoy it whilst it does.

    How do you leave? You dispose of your assets, you cancel your outgoings, and you buy a ticket. You cry, you doubt yourself, you tell yourself that maybe you’ll come back, you hug your people, you tell them how much they mean to you, you cry some more, and then you get on the plane. It is that simple, and that hard.

  • Stepping Down from Awesome Ottawa

    Stepping Down from Awesome Ottawa

    Sea World Dolphin
    Credit: flickr / Major Clanger

    The last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about what it means to be an Awesome Foundation trustee.

    Yes, it’s putting our money where our mouths are; not just saying “that would be a cool project” but putting the money on the table to fund it.

    More than that though, for me it’s been about being a small part of the projects themselves, and that community.

    However, I don’t live in Ottawa anymore, and haven’t for over 4 months now. Whilst I retain a lasting fondness for the city, and particularly the people I knew, it’s just become apparent to me that being a remote trustee is not working. It’s not working for me personally, in that it’s not fun and that I don’t feel involved, but more importantly it’s not working because remotely I can’t make the kind of contribution in terms of pushing projects forward, that I feel a trustee should.

    Part of being dispensable is letting things go. I know we have a great board and Awesome Ottawa will only become bigger, better and more awesome without me. My seat on the board will be taken by Emily Daniels, who I’m sure will continue furthering the interests of Awesome in Canada’s capital. It’s tough to say goodbye, but I know this is for the best.

    Meanwhile, I’ll be working on some new and exciting projects – inside and outside of Google. Stay tuned!

  • In Search of Stability

    In Search of Stability

    Credit: Bao Pham / http://bao22.blogspot.com/

    Last night, I was on the phone to my friend whilst I was pottering about unpacking my apartment, and he said:

    “Have you taken anything? You’ve not been happy like this without meds in a while”

    (To clarify, I have strong painkillers because of wrenching my shoulder in February – which is still causing me pain)

    I hadn’t taken anything. I just feel semi-settled and un-rushed for the first time in 3 months. And I feel guilty, because I worry I’ve been complaining about my life when my life is awesome.

    Oh no, I got my dream job and I have to move to a cool new city. Damn life is hard. Wow, I met so many cool people in Ottawa that I have to actually spend time with them before I go. Sucks to be me. Why are people continually presenting great opportunities to me? How frickin’ unreasonable are they?

    If you’ve wanted to give me a good shaking lately, I totally empathize. I kinda want to give last-week-me a good shaking too.

    Change is hard. At the Risk Taking Workshop at GHC, Dee talks about people’s change cycles. Most people were about 2 years. I came it at 6 months.

    Perhaps I like change more than most, but the process of changing I find stressful. So I do things like book a flight to Canada and move with a week’s notice because my visa finally arrived. Or make a snap decision to give up my apartment because it was bought and I realized I wasn’t getting a TA. These things drag me, kicking and screaming, through the change process and then I sit in my new apartment, surrounded by boxes, and think,

    Why on earth was I getting so worked up about that?

    And then I make it work. So far, it’s always been fine. I’ve only been in KW a few days, but I know I’m going to be fine here too.

    Maggie is a 3rd culture kid, and so something we had in common and talked about this summer is this feeling of not quite belonging anywhere, and not really knowing where home is. I’m from the UK, but for a number of reasons (many political) I can’t see myself going back there. Brits think I sound Canadian. Canadians think I sound British. Canada has been good to me, but I don’t think I can live permanently in North America – I find it too homogeneous, and miss the culture and diversity of Europe. How you can get on a plane and get off an hour later somewhere with different food, different values, different language…

    Feeling that life is in a permanent state of flux, it’s easy to seek out something stable to cling to. A popular way to do that is with a relationship – because it seems like a binary variable, 0 or 1. So you set that bit. And then discover there are any of a million states your relationship can be in, some which add to your stability… and many that do not. For me, I have never wanted to buy an apartment so much as when my ex was making me miserable.

    If I feel the need for stability, I think the thing to do is recognize why. Some new stress or something unknown? Is it just hard to be in a new place? Realizing this, I’m trying to find my stability somewhere else.

    PHiZZ Unit Color-Change Variation
    Credit: flickr / tomster0

    In little things, like being a regular at a favourite restaurant or coffee shop, or the Clinique counter (leaving the Clinique counter at Sears in the Rideau caused me much devastation). In routine – gym first thing, or (currently) work in coffee shop in the morning, errands in the afternoon, unpack in the evening.

    In bigger things – like good friends that stay constant wherever you live, in doing what I love.

    When these fail, a trip “home” reminds me why I left in the first place.

    Since I’m staying on a work visa, people keep asking me if I’m staying “permenantly” – I joke that I don’t stay anywhere permanently. Being a bit of a nomad has some challenges, but ultimately I love the adventure. The stress of the process of change I find hard, but the thrill of making it work – that makes it all worthwhile.

  • Chaos

    Chaos

    50mm HBW
    Credit: flickr / kevindooley

    Last week, I returned to Canada and signed and sent in my offer letter from Google. Then, 3 days later I rushed off to Kitchener to find an apartment.

    Because I didn’t get a TA at uOttawa (stupid union, and yes, I have noticed the irony and hilarity of – offer from Google, no TA from UO), I’ve decided to relocate earlier because the cost of living in KW is lower and it’s unpleasant to move in December.

    I stopped by the Google office to get my police check form signed and they gave me a t-shirt. I love it! This is really happening! I’m still in shock, and alternating between excitement and freaking out about going to work with such amazing and smart people. Periodically, I panic that I don’t know how to code Google docs, and then reassure myself that no-one expects me to come in knowing how to do that (right? Right?!?!)

    Meanwhile, I’m heading to GHC 2010 next week, and Boston sometime later in the month, I’m giving two talks in October (I think – the earliest one is unconfirmed and I have no clue what I’m talking about). I need to pack up my life into boxes and move. I need to say goodbye to everyone. I also need to work on my thesis. I really need a haircut.

    Meanwhile, there is a family issue that is really horrible and upsetting (I can’t write about it right now) and because of that it’s difficult to plan times of things. Also, I’ve been dealing with some conflict and having just finished The Anatomy of Peace (Amazon) I’m also having a crisis that I’m not truly living outside of the box in accordance with my values. Sometime soon I’m going to work out how to write about that, too.

    I don’t think I’ve spent a week straight at home since early August. All this rushing about is making me feel like I’m going slightly crazy, and without the structure of an office and expected times to be there it’s hard to be productive on my thesis – especially after a summer off.

    In times of stress, it’s really important to prioritize. I’m aiming to give myself some structure by working out first thing in the morning, and will try and spend my days in the office. I’m also throwing my posting schedule out the window.

    Just a heads up. Expect to hear from me here but perhaps not on the same Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday schedule that I’ve been on during the summer. Don’t expect prompt replies to email. Do expect bad hair.

    That is all. Advice welcome!

  • When Life Gets In The Way

    See into the trees, Find the girl
    Credit: flickr / jblndl

    If insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results then I am clearly insane. For some reason, I thought I could finish at IBM, fly to Europe the following (early!) morning, have a great holiday and stick to my posting schedule.

    I did not manage the great holiday, because life got in the way, but I nearly managed the posting schedule… until I returned to Canada. I was running around like a headless chicken once I got back (I flew in Monday, and drove to Kitchener on Thursday, and in the meantime had a full A4 list of tasks I needed to do). Finally, Friday night I dealt with something that had been weighing on me, got an email from the girl leaving the apartment I want saying not to worry, she was telling people it was rented, and slept for 12 hours.

    And now – finally – I feel like I can write about what has been going on.

    In Europe, 3 things were weighing on me. The first was a family thing, the second was/is a long story I can’t quite retell yet, and the third was that I did not get a TA (uOttawa TA’s are extremely unionized, and I hate it), my apartment building got bought, and on impulse I decided I may as well move to Kitchener sooner and gave notice. I can’t do anything about the family thing in any country, but the second two I needed to be in Canada to fix, and I wasn’t. As someone who likes to fix things, this was very stressful to me and I ended up reading a huge stack of novels and not really doing much of what I’d planned – maybe I needed the break.

    I was also getting incessant emails from a private security firm who are doing my background check – everywhere I’ve spent more than a month for the last SEVEN years – you don’t need to know me that well to appreciate what a giant pain that has been! In the context of security and access to personal data, it is completely understandable and as a user I’m glad that employees are subject to these checks. However as someone who every time I put in a Visa application worries I’ll be deported, I’m angsting about that time I didn’t get paid and accidentally overdrew my bank account, and identity theft.

    Now, the first, family thing, I can’t do anything about and is still the same. The second has an outcome (although mostly just a process) that I am not delighted with but is done, I’m not going to fight it. The third I have in hand. The background check, I’m trying to think of a way to get them to tell me when I have the all clear that doesn’t make it sound like I’m trying to hide anything or am insane, or alternatively just be less bonkers about it.

    Now – as a good grad student – I can worry about my thesis. And about moving to a new city.

    For my thesis, I need a plan. I’m going to meet with my co-supervisor, plough through my reading list, and aim to be back on weekly goals after GHC (Grace Hopper), so the first week of October.

    For relocating, I also need a plan. And – importantly, as I’ll be working from home on my thesis mostly, to work on getting a social circle.

    Priority 1: Somewhere to live. In hand. Found a great loft really close to the office – just waiting for lease.

    Priority 2: Social circle. Trying to get introductions, and look for things to get involved in. Connecting with people on Twitter.

    Priority 3: Infrastructure. Found a gym and connected with them about a trainer. Got recommendation for a chiropractor, a hairdresser/spa and hot yoga. Need to find kickboxing. And grocery store!

    When I moved to Ottawa I did it at such short notice and just made it up as I went along. This time I have more notice and I’m not going as far, so I hope it will be easier. That said, it’s harder to meet people when you’re no longer a student so there’s that challenge.

    I’ll keep you posted. Meanwhile if you have any tips for relocating, or if you know anyone in the Kitchener/Waterloo area – let me know!