Accidentally in Code

Tag: Reflections

  • Passive Aggressive

    I went to therapy today. Perhaps I shouldn’t admit that in a public forum, but I hope those of you that read this don’t think that seeking help when you’re struggling is something to be ashamed of. I’m not going to go into the details of what caused me to end up going to see a stranger and declaring “I feel like I’m loosing my mind”, suffice to say that I was entangled in the web of a passive aggressive.

    Passive aggressive behavior is really hard to deal with. It’s acts of manipulation, done quietly so that you barely realize you’re being manipulated at all – until you notice that things that mattered to you have disappeared from the agenda, your social circle has shrunk and why is it that you’re living your life at someone else’s beck and call? I woke up to this, but some of the people around me hadn’t – they were still being manipulated. And so I started to doubt myself, was it me that had the problem? Was I being unreasonable? Therapy reassured me I wasn’t. In effect, I’m paying $100 every six weeks for someone to listen to my complaining and give me impartial advice. Here’s some of what I’ve learned.

    Identify

    Before I found myself in therapy, I didn’t know what passive-aggressive meant. If you don’t either, Wikipedia is a good place to start. Sound like anyone you know?

    Avoid

    Obviously if your boss is passive aggressive, you’re going to either have to find a new job or learn how to deal. If it’s someone who won’t modify their behavior, for instance a “friend” who as a result isn’t their passive aggressiveness isn’t really, your lab partner, or a coworker… it’s different. Dealing with a passive aggressive is exhausting, so if you can avoid them – do.

    Manage

    A passive aggressive might seek to “Divide and Conquer”, so if you hear something from a passive aggressive about someone else, it’s worth speaking to that someone to find out what’s going on there. Why would they do that? Because the bigger the group, the harder it is to manipulate. By splitting you up, the passive aggressive makes you vulnerable to their manipulation. For this reason, it’s best to avoid being alone with a passive aggressive. I lost count of the times when I agreed to or offered something when alone or on the phone to the passive aggressive and my boyfriend said, “why would you agree to / offer that?” and I didn’t really know.

    Passive aggressives often can’t believe they’re at fault; it’s always someone else behaving unfairly or putting on them in some way. This makes it hard to present a more balanced world-view to them. In my case, I know I’ve been cast as the bad guy and been complained about. The fact that I would admit some fault where she surely doesn’t has no doubt worked against me. That has been very upsetting, however I hope my integrity, intentions and the strength of my other relationships speaks for me. If someone’s never at fault, never in the wrong – but frequently wronged – doubt them. No-one is that perfect.

    Ironically, the best way to deal with a passive aggressive is to be passive aggressive in return. I don’t enjoy that, but it can be a useful skill to have. For instance, when you passive aggressive lab partner tries to get you to do the bulk of your joint report be passive aggressive back; tell them you could but you’d have to work on it at 12pm because that’s when you usually do, or that you’re really busy this week and won’t do a good job.

    Note – passive aggressiveness can be a healthy behavior in some situations – what I’m talking about here is when it’s taken to excess and becomes a way of life.

  • International Students

    There was an article in the Ottawa Citizen the other day about international students. Apparently at Carleton, 1 in 5 graduate students is an international. Of course, this averages across all subjects – my experience is that in Computer Science (and likely the rest of Science and Engineering) the ratio is higher. When I first got to Ottawa, I didn’t know any Canadians. In my office, there are two guys from Iran, a girl from China, and a girl from Taiwan.

    I don’t know any other Brits here. Which made it hard at first, as many international students seemed to stick with people from their own cultures. I remember asking my office mates if they knew any Canadians, one of them didn’t, another knew only a couple. With time, I built a network here; my friends are a mix of Canadian, Chinese and Persian. Some of them I met through university, others I didn’t. I’m surprised though, that there aren’t more Brits here. You can study abroad, in English, at a fraction of the cost of in the US. And despite international tuition fees being high, they aren’t that much more than in the UK (and the cost of living is lower – or was, until the economy tanked).

    I came here knowing no-one but an ex, who I don’t really speak to. So when we’re building WISE, what we can offer international students who’ve left behind their support network and come somewhere strange is something I think about a lot. Building a network has been the thing that added most to my happiness here, but if you’re a girl and your classes are predominantly male it can be hard to meet other girls. I hope these women come to our events and make some new connections. That’s what (I think) we’re doing is all about.

  • Time

    Being so busy this week has got me thinking about the concept of “having time”. We all have 60 minutes in each hour and 24 of them in each day for however many weeks, months, years or – hopefully – decades we have left on this planet. We just can’t know how long that is.

    I feel like “making time” is a better expression. Life is like packing – it expands to fill the time you have for it. I don’t have time for anything right now, but I make time for the things that matter. Things for WISE, my boyfriend (I don’t make enough time for him – thankfully he’s understanding), my TA position, my research.

    Despite being really busy, because time is tight I appreciate it more; I make the most of it. The winter semester this year I had so much time, and I wasted it on, I don’t know what. Walking around in the snow because the buses were on strike. Being miserable because I was living somewhere where it was -30 and the buses were on strike (for months – how was that allowed?). I worked ineffectively, and wasted my energy on people who took – but never gave anything but grief. I slept a lot.

    Now I’m flat out, the people who are around are the people who give – they come around and help me bake, show up to events they aren’t interested in (with tea!), and are sympathetic when I panic about how much I’m trying to do/event organization/event turnout/TA-ing in French. So – three important realizations: 1. people who only take, really drain my energy. 2. When you have relationships where you give, and they give, you build each other up and achieve more than you thought you could (and have more confidence, because you know you have people cheering you on). 3. That saying, “if you want something done, ask a busy person”? So true. I’m more productive than ever. And it’s satisfying because things are coming together, and I can see where we’re going with WISE, and I feel like our goals are a) achievable and b) worthwhile. My thesis is really exciting to me. Hopefully I’ll be able to put up more of what I’m working on here soon.

    The only thing is, though, is that I need to do some writing on my thesis. There are some things that I can do in small chunks of time, but writing is not one of them. I take a long time to get into writing, and knowing I have something on in 2 or 3 hours, or really at any point that day just seems to leave me feeling blank and overwhelmed. I’ll keep working on it, though!

    Thanks to everyone who’s supported and helped me this week – I couldn’t do it without you!

  • Manic Monday

    I’ve wasted a chunk of the afternoon having a bit of a panic attack. This morning I had physio on my knee, followed by an hour of time hanging out in SITE waiting to meet with the guy who’s course I’m TA-ing (I read some of the 60 page book chapter I’m carrying about with me at the moment). After which it was lunch time, and I gave myself some time to go to my favorite sushi place and start thinking in English again.

    WISE has 3 events coming up this week. I need to be at all of them. Plus I have a scholarship – which means I need to make significant progress on my thesis, every week. I also have an algorithms course (I’m so over theoretical computer science, but have to meet the requirements for my MSc) and I’m TA-ing. In French. Starting tomorrow – but I still don’t know what time, or where. Plus I’m spending about 3 hours a week in physio and have to go and get a brace for my knee and x-rays. It’s all causing me to feel a little “arrrrgghh!”. Of course panicking about it doesn’t get any of it closer to being done.

    I read Sacha Chua‘s blog, she writes about web 2.0 so it’s interesting from the perspective of my thesis. It’s also interesting from a personal perspective as she also seems to be another woman in technology, juggling a lot of stuff. I’ve noticed her posting her goals for the week and whether or not she achieved the last week’s goals (and why). I think in the spirit of 43 things – putting your goals in public makes you work harder to achieve them.

    So here, in no particular order, are my goals for this week. Note – these are all fairly high level, I’m not going to include the smaller tasks that occur on “The List” every day, or the small but numerous things I need to take care of to keep WISE running on a day to day basis.

    • WISE Speaker event
    • WISE Coffee social (bake!)
    • WISE Self-defense seminar
    • Organize meeting for WISE, outline the plan for Women in Academia event
    • TA in French, don’t meltdown
    • Incorporate giant pile of papers into Introduction
    • Polish introduction such that I can send it to my supervisors
    • Finish reading Presentation Zen
    • Finish reading 60 page chapter
    • Read 4 more papers from “the pile”
    • Fix CSS on portfolio website
    • Finish CRM blogpost (already done!)
    • One other blogpost from “the list”

    Wish me luck!

  • Perseverance

    On Wednesday I was getting on my bike, when my kneecap briefly rotated around the side of my knee. It was seriously painful, and I keeled over, bike with me, and my bike frame landed on my hurt knee. Ouch.

    I got picked up (literally, I was in the road) by some kind strangers and called a cab to take me home (this is why people have cell phones! I’m so glad I got one). My boyfriend was close by, thankfully, and he came and rescued my bike and got me into the taxi. At this point, I pretty much couldn’t walk.

    My friends and I were meeting at a restaurant nearby my apartment, but one of them called me (D) and he set off for my apartment building to rescue me. The taxi driver got me out of the taxi, and another of my friends (coincidentally) arrived outside my apartment and he was trying to support me with one arm and push his baby with the other. Then D turned up and we all got inside.

    Finally I was at my apartment, covered in a dust, gravel, a bit of blood, and lots of tears. By this time, I could put a little weight on my knee again (I’ve done this before, at first it’s agony but after a while it’s just swollen, stiff, and painful).

    So that’s 3 strangers, 2 builders, my boyfriend, a cab driver, and two of my friends. 9 people. And little me having a stupid accident – again. And then 3 more friends showed up at my apartment, and my friend who’s been here visiting us and everyone’s saying, don’t worry Cate, we don’t have to go out, we’ll get takeout etc. And I washed my face, found a clean t-shirt and said – no, we’re going out. We have a reservation, and damnit when I concussed myself and went to hospital I was skiing 2 days later (and took my CSIA Level 1 the same week). In fact the 2nd (trying to learn to snowboard), third (idiot hit me) and fourth (took flight and landed on head) times I concussed myself I was skiing again the following day. I trained in martial arts in China, and when my master beat me I didn’t give up and go home (I got off lightly because I’m a girl, but still – it hurt). When I went over my handlebars after making some poor judgment in my bike riding, I walked for a bit, sure, but I made it to the end of the 46 miles. In fact the last few times I did this to my knee, I strapped my knees up, added a load of duck-tape… and went skiing.

    Physical perseverance is easy. It is easy to push yourself to train harder, and the more you push yourself the easier it gets. It’s easier not to, of course, but mental perseverance is much harder. It’s easier for something that’s abstract to be more overwhelming. It’s easier to let it overwhelm you.

    I’ve been getting a little overwhelmed lately, and what I’ve started to realize is that I need to take the same attitude that I do when I’m skiing, kickboxing, biking, or otherwise injuring myself.

    1. Delegate. 9 people got me home the other day, it’s not a shameful thing to let people help you when you’re physically hurt, so why do we not ask for help when we need it for more abstract things? I’ve been trying to get this WISE chapter going and at first I was doing stuff myself because I thought it was easier than asking someone else to help. It’s not! Now we have a great team, and I ask them to do things. I still have a lot to do, but more is getting done overall. It frees me up for stuff that is important, but not critical – like putting together our website.
    2. Progress is progress. If I’m injured I might still ski, but I probably won’t take that double black mogul run. I’ll still go kickboxing when I’ve hurt my shoulder, but I’ll moderate what I’m doing so I don’t injure it further. When you’re feeling overwhelmed it’s easy to just stop and not achieve anything, but crossing some smaller and easier tasks off The List mean you’ve still done something and the bigger task will hopefully seem more manageable tomorrow. Or just do a little bit of the bigger task. A friend told me a story about his dad, he came home and found his dad had eaten this whole cake. When asked, he said, “I ate it in little pieces”. The meaning I want to take from that story – chipping away at things works!
    3. Sometimes you need time off. This morning, I said to my boyfriend that I might just strap up my knee and go kickboxing. He said, “that’s a stupid idea”. And he’s probably right. I’m still thinking about it though… as a grad student I have all this guilt, I feel like I should be working all the time and it’s just not possible. Taking Sundays off has been making a big difference to me, it actually improves my productivity. I’m refreshed on Monday, and get more done during the week because I know that very little will happen over the weekend. By having a goal to finish work by a certain time so that I can kickbox, or go out with my friends I focus better. Having a 9-5 job gives you structure, and I miss that. But if I can emulate that, it’s very helpful.

    I’m not sure what I’ve learned in class at grad school is the most important thing I’ll get from it, and I’m not sure being really smart actually helps you so much. I know people who are very smart who’ve opted for mediocrity, or suburbia before 25, or are still at graduate school seemingly with no plan to finish (or publish). Maybe they’re happier, and perhaps personal relationships are more important. I don’t know. I think I’m inclined to agree with this blog post by Alex Bogusky – if you have to be afraid of something, then fear mediocrity, though. But given the economy, and the rate at which things are changing right now (Java is my preferred programming language, but I can’t bank on it being in such heavy use in another 10 years) what’s more important will be the ability to learn, the motivation (and perseverance) to keep learning, and the other intangible skills we learned along the way.

    Semi-related – interesting post from Seth Godin about Positive Thinking.

    Slightly more related – post by Penelope Trunk about the relationship between exercise and career success.