Accidentally in Code

Tag: friends

  • Remembering the Eloquent Woman

    Remembering the Eloquent Woman

    DGC2013denver.jpgNearly ten years ago, I found a blog called The Eloquent Woman written by Denise Graveline. I read it diligently, and reading it I learned so many things. I learned about speaking in general, about structuring talks, clarity in scientific communication. I learned about the way women have historically been excluded from speaking, the way our voices are policed, the way that we are so often deemed “not qualified”.

    I learned that speaking up, seeking to be heard, is an act of feminism and an act of resistance. I was inspired by the series of “Famous Speech Fridays” just how impactful that could be.

    I progressed through the phases of social media – lurking, commenting through to writing guest posts. Denise and I progressed through the stages of a social media friendship – connected via a blog, then by Twitter, then by Facebook, IRL. She went from being the writer of a blog I loved, to being my speaker coach and my friend.

    As a speaker, I worked through the stages of speaking: academic talks, small events, big international ones. Lightening talks to keynotes. Denise helped me every step of the way. Through her writing, and the things I learned from her blog. She coached me through my terror of public speaking after being harassed (and shared my posts about the experience) Her book on Moderating Panels got me through my first panel moderation. She was an early supporter of Technically Speaking – one of our first webinar guests, and one of our first sponsors. Her influence can be seen throughout the talk I gave last year called The Not So Secret Feminist Agenda – and not because she coached me on preparing it (although she did), but because I tried to distill many of the things I’ve learned about the silencing of women into it, and much of that I learned from Denise.

    Denise died on February 9th. Days have passed since I heard, but I’m still reeling. I am so grateful for everything I learned from her. Whilst I know I thanked her for the individual pieces, the full scope of her influence hit me like a ton of bricks once I learned that she was gone.

    Denise always maintained the title of her blog wasn’t about her, but capturing something that women speakers aim for – eloquence. For me though, she’ll always be the eloquent woman – watching her give a talk driven by Q&A was truly incredible – and the smart, kind, on point person who inspired and helped so many women to eloquence – and recognised those who achieved it.

    Aside from my personal sadness about the loss of a friend, I’m currently experiencing a kind of existential dread of public speaking from the loss of the person who supported me through the best and worst of it. Denise always made me feel like she believed in my capacity for eloquence, and now what remains is for me to try and believe that too. Because more than the writing she left behind, that’s Denise’s legacy – the number of women who as a result of her work believe that we can be eloquent, too.

  • When Your Job Gets Harder, Make a Friend

    When Your Job Gets Harder, Make a Friend

    I don’t like to give advice but there is one piece I give reasonably often in various forms, and feel pretty confident about.

    When your job gets harder, make a friend.

    It’s easy to hide away when we get overwhelmed thinking the best thing to do is to “focus” and “get stuff done” and 💯 that is sometimes exactly what needs to happen.

    But sometimes support and encouragement will do more for you than any number of hours can accomplish.

  • Grief, Friendship, and the Most Important Thing

    Grief, Friendship, and the Most Important Thing

    Al mal tiempo buena cara!
    Credit: Flickr / Andrés Nieto Porras

    One of my friends died not too long ago and #fuckcancer. But at least I got to say goodbye, and to say what seemed like the most important thing to say. It’s rare that you get that kind of closure.

    So I clung to that when I knew the end was near. And I reminded myself of that when I got That Email and cried alone in an airline lounge at 4am. I referred back to it in the days that followed.

    And then. Her family released an obituary and I there was something in it where my reaction was like… woah. I did not know that. It wasn’t one of the (many) cool things she did. My friends are generally interesting people who I learn new things about each time we talk. But how she felt about something that I really believed she, of anyone, had figured out.

    And I wish I had said, this is how I feel about this thing. And I wish I had heard how she felt about it. And of course now, I won’t.

    For me, grief always come with a side of guilt. How can I be sad, when other people will be more sad? I generally find trite the things we “learn” and “realise” when people we care about die. I think we know these things, we just don’t prioritise them.

    Of course, though, trite is another word for common, and so I have channelled my feelings into making more of an effort with my friends. Maybe they find me needy and clingy lately. Maybe they attribute it to other reasons. Maybe they like it.

    And I have been reflecting on the nature of friendship. I realise that friendship is not linear, recall that people come and go from our lives, and contemplate that I have never been able to predict who will end up being important in my life long term and who will be temporary.

    Finally, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the many wonderful people in my life who I am lucky enough to know and love. The people who adventure with me, inspire me,  support me practically – and emotionally. Who send me adorable animal pictures, call me on my shit, and push me to be a better human. I love y’all.

    But seriously, #fuckcancer.

  • MWF Seeks BFF

    MWF Seeks BFF

    Heard about this blog via the lovely Erica, and since I wonder if I have enough local friends (and, obviously moving, the answer will once again be no) seemed like the book (Amazon) would be just the thing for one of the many, many long haul flights I’m taking.

    I really enjoyed it, very honest and funny. Since I left university, I’ve been missing the kind of relationship I had with my roommate, similar to the one I had with my roommate at boarding school. Pizza and girly movie nights used to be a staple, but then in Ottawa my social life was very different. I felt like I had a lot of acquaintances (I guess I am good at that bit) but didn’t manage to close the gap to friendship with enough of them. Remember talking to a friend there (who was from Ottawa) about how I hadn’t wanted to be push myself on her because I assumed he had tons of friends, but she didn’t and I wish we had started hanging out more, moved from acquaintances to friends, earlier.

    One of the things I realized leaving KW, was that there were so many people there who I wished I had spent more time with. Life was full, I travelled too much, lots of reasons, but the main one – I lacked follow up, I didn’t make time. I didn’t invite people out to do things often, I felt like I would be imposing, that their lives already had enough in them and they didn’t need more friends. They might have wanted more friends, though. The book also offers some definition of friendship, which are helpful – assuming you’ll hang out on a regular basis, the kind of person you can suggest something last-minute to. The breadth of people she managed to meet, too, was really cool.

    One of the things that tipped the balance for Sydney over Zurich, was that I already have a good, non-work friend there, and I felt with the chaos this year, that was something I needed. But I’m going to meet new people, and make more effort to follow up. But definitely, I recommend this book, whether you think you have enough friends or not!