Accidentally in Code

Something that comes up regularly in coaching is the idea that you get stronger against the weight you can lift, not against the one you can’t.

If your goal is to bench 100kg you don’t get there pushing at that weight on a bar you can’t move. You start lower and work up. You build your strength. You manage your fatigue.

Pushing on the 100kg bar will tire you out. It will feel like you’re working hard. It won’t make you stronger.

The same is true at work.

If you struggle to set boundaries and work in an environment where boundaries are discouraged, that might be the 100kg weight. Working somewhere that’s always on, but where people are expected and respected for setting their own? That might be the weight you can lift.

If you need positive feedback, a manager who only tells you what’s wrong might be the 100kg weight. A manager who is matter of fact – who tells you when something is fine and moves on – might be the weight you can lift.

If you struggle to rely on others it might feel more comfortable to work for yourself, but it’s not growing your capacity for collaboration. An environment that is super team first might be a very difficult adjustment. That could be the push you want – but know that going in.

Something we talk about in DRI Your Career is that we’re not – mostly – different people inside and outside of work. The struggles we have show up in multiple areas of our lives. It’s easy to complain about the job being the problem, and I would never deny that there are very toxic situations out there. But more often than not the problem is the person and job in combination.

It’s amazing to me how much stays the same when we make dramatic change in our lives. It’s been more than six months since I upended my life, started doing something completely different. My partner still says I work a lot. My boss – despite being a different person – would probably still say my tolerance of bullshit is low. I still get anxious, and I still struggle with things that are boring or feel pointless.

It was overall a really positive change. But it didn’t change everything. I’m not a different person.

The other idea in coaching is to focus on what you can control. This always starts with your own choices and behaviour. You can’t stop your colleagues messaging you out of hours, but you can stop checking Slack. You can’t change the feedback culture overnight, but you can ask for what you need today. You can’t control whether or not someone will show up, but you can give them the opportunity to live up to some better expectations.

I love how in the tech industry we have normalised the extended break. But I worry that it’s become an expected cycle of burnout and crash. I think we can learn to self-regulate, even as capitalism will always aim to maximally utilise us.

A few years ago I switched to the Whoop as my fitness tracker. The appeal was its focus on recovery. It’s been difficult to use something targeted at pro athletes – at times in my life that would have led to some destructive tendencies. But it did help me regulate better, to work out more sustainably, to move away from the sprint and crash cycle.

There is no equivalent for mental self-regulation. The closest thing I’ve found is PQ, which helps bring awareness to these tendencies and gives you a way to actively work through breaking them. Some other suggestions:

• Ask for what you need. Make reasonable requests and expect reasonable answers – at least the first time.
• Get clear about what it would serve you to work on, and make a plan for that.
• Invest in the quality of your life outside of work. Connect to that, rather than disconnect from it.