I first read Burnout – The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski in May 2019. I was, at the time, pretty fried. I’d recently written The Cost of Fixing Things about three back-to-back team turnarounds – one of them with a fractured shoulder whilst buying and renovating a house. I’d disappeared in Seoul. I was accidentally stuck in Thailand because my passport was full and I didn’t realize. Everything had been a bit too hard, and honestly? I was hardest on myself. I picked up the book and live-tweeted my way through it.
The engagement on that thread was amazing. The best of Twitter before that dreadful man ruined it. It felt like reading the book in community.
I did buy many copies of it for other people. Also, I guess this is the complete review. A little late 😝
I returned to it recently because I felt like my nervous system needed to be healed again. There’s a bit in the book about a bunny hiding under a bush, not sure the fox is gone yet. That was me. I was in the midst of processing a huge change – leaving my job to do other things, living in the space where even though I was pretty confident I had made the right decision, my feelings were a bit all over the place.
Re-reading it was a different experience. The first time was intellectual revelation, in community. This time despite trying to recruit some friends to a little book club (they need it too) it was a more solo experience, like returning to a friend who gives you the real talk whilst also believing in you. Some things I’d internalized so deeply I barely noticed them as lessons anymore. Some things landed differently because I was in a very different place.
What makes Burnout special is the arc. It doesn’t start with “here’s what’s wrong with society” (which would be overwhelming) or “here’s some self-care tips” (which would be patronizing). It starts with your body. Then it widens the lens to the systems acting on your body. Then it names the enemy. And then – only then, once you are clear on what you’re working with – it tells you how to rebuild. Self care is not the capitalistic con where we have to buy candles and take baths. It’s connection, compassion, rest, meaning.
Complete the Cycle. Stress and stressors are different things. You can solve the problem that stressed you out but your body is still holding the stress response. You have to complete the biological cycle separately – through movement, breathing, crying, connection, creative expression. This is where the book starts: with the physical reality of what stress does to you and what it takes to release it.
In 2019 I needed this desperately. In 2026, I noticed exercise has felt less necessary lately. Not because I’ve gotten lazy, but because I’ve actually removed many of the stressors. My body isn’t holding as much. That’s a good sign – and it ties to the later chapter about rest. I don’t need to complete the cycle faster; I have fewer cycles to complete, and that respite? Amazing.
#Persist. The Monitor – that part of your brain tracking the gap between where you are and where you want to be. It calculates effort vs. progress and decides whether to keep going or give up. When the gap feels unbridgeable, you get stuck in frustration or despair. Sometimes you need to adjust the goal, sometimes you need a different door entirely.
I guess quitting my job was about finding a different door. But The Monitor is still adjusting. It needs me to define manageable, incremental progress to feel like I’m doing enough. Trying to succeed immediately is unhinged. My monitor really can be a despot.
Meaning. The book makes the case that meaning isn’t a luxury you earn after the practical stuff – it’s a core resilience tool. It’s what makes the effort worth it when things are hard. This chapter completes the first section of the book: you’ve got tools for your body, tools for your frustration, and now something to orient toward. You need all three.
My sense of meaning has shifted lately. When I was doing the CoActive coaching training, I was anchored in the meaning I derived from being “the architect of effective organizations”. At the end of last year, I realized that wasn’t resonating anymore. Now it’s about helping people thrive and be human despite capitalism. That needs to include me.
Then we come to the systematic. The book names the systems that are so corrosive and taxing to our well being.
The Game Is Rigged. Human Giver Syndrome – the expectation that women give their time, energy, attention, bodies to others. The distinction between “human givers” and “human beings.” You can’t self-care your way out of a rigged game.
This chapter cut to the core in 2019. It cut to the core again. It named some unreasonable things I want to leave behind. It remains such a good articulation of the structural inequity that results from making women responsible for other people’s feelings.
The Bikini Industrial Complex. The system that profits from women hating their bodies. Diet culture, BMI as junk science, the wellness industry selling solutions to problems it created. The body ideals are unattainable on purpose. That’s the business model.
What I take from this chapter is the question of why you care for your body. Is it about you feeling better, or conforming to the bullshit system? Internalizing unrealistic beauty standards is a form of self harm. Moving your body because it makes you feel good and/or helps complete the stress cycle, and moving your body because you hate how it looks are not the same.
Having acknowledged the structural challenges, that we still need to exist within – now it’s time for the tools that help us do that.
Connect. It starts with connection – the healing power of other people, the danger of isolation, the importance of someone being “the keeper of your story.”
I told a friend recently I was in a very productive hole – so, this one is relevant. I’m grateful for my partner, but I need to seek out more community. I’m in a mode where I’m inclined to hide away and do the work. But that’s not healthy.
What Makes You Stronger. The Mad Woman in the Attic – your inner critic, named so you can recognize her when she’s talking. Self-compassion as a real practice. And rest. Real rest.
And then, on the topic of productivity:
![[screenshot: "The idea that you can use 'grit' or 'self-control' to stay focused and productive every minute of every day is not merely incorrect, it is gaslighting, and it is potentially damaging your brain."]](https://i0.wp.com/cate.blog/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Screenshot-2026-04-09-at-20.36.50.png?resize=1024%2C448&ssl=1)
I was a tube of toothpaste being squeezed relentlessly in 2019. In 2026, this chapter was the biggest shift. My inner voice is less cruel now. I deleted it. That was a long undertaking, but one that profoundly improved my well being.
Grow Mighty. Not fixed. Not perfect. Mighty. The final chapter pulls everything together – the body tools, the systemic awareness, the connection, the self-compassion – into something that feels doable day to day. You’ll still be stressed and the game is still rigged, but existing in the system does not have to mean believing the system.
The arc of Burnout puts you at the centre of the hero’s journey, and then it takes you through it, and for me at least, deposited you outside of it at the end, with a little more confidence, substantially less gaslit, and more trusting of myself.
In 2019 I consumed it like someone throwing me a lifeline. In 2026 I read it like a reminder of how to come back to what I know.
If you haven’t read it, read it. If you read it years ago, maybe it’s time to go back. The friend has new things to say. Or maybe you’ve changed enough to hear them differently.
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