Milestones

It’s been about a year since I walked away from the gilded cage, the conglomerate, London… really many aspects of being a grown up.

Some days I am overwhelmed by how much I want to get done by the end of this year.

Some days I am amazed by how much I’ve learned.

Some days I’m lost because of how much I still don’t know.

But when I left, I genuinely didn’t know if I could ever go back to another tech job. I was so despondent about the state of things, so tired of the constant bullshit, worn out from pushing uphill.

One of the things that made me realise how far I’ve come was my friend Julie’s post on looking for a new job, and how it made me think about how I could go about looking for a job, which made me think “woah I’m really contemplating that”.

My learning curve the last year has been steep. It’s been lonely, exhilarating, boring and adventurous. Sometimes all in the same week.

Whilst I still have no idea what comes next I’ve got more and more idea of what my options are. And I feel more and more optimistic about the future.

For a while, my biggest fear was that I had become fundamentally broken in a way that meant whilst I couldn’t cope in a bad environment anymore, I wouldn’t know how to function in a good one, either. I don’t worry about that so much anymore.

When you’re constantly being told in ways subtle and overt that you don’t belong you come to believe it. I came to believe it. Playing a game that I don’t believe I can succeed at has never been one of my strengths – I’d sooner play a different one.

This past year has been about figuring out the different game. I can’t claim that I’m winning… but at least I don’t feel like I’m losing anymore. I don’t feel like I’m losing the game. I don’t feel like I’m losing myself. I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind.