Accidentally in Code

Tag: personal

  • Family Resemblance

    Sometimes when I wake up, I walk into the bathroom and see myself in the mirror, and I’m taken aback by my resemblance to my grandmother, who died when I was 15. The dark circles under my eyes highlight that I have the same bone structure as she did. I  look less like my (great) aunt, who died when I was 18 but the other day I caught myself behaving in a way very reminiscent of her.

    I only use Clinique products on my face. They actually recognize me at Sears, because each time there’s a gift I buy enough stuff I get it twice. As a result, I have a makeup bag for every day of the month and a lifetime’s supply of lipstick (I don’t wear it, prefer gloss). So this weekend my friend got two makeup bags, a lipstick and a lipgloss from me. And I remembered that my aunt would do the same with Lancome products. Every time we’d go to see her, I’d come away with miniature Lancome products and perfume samples.

    I’m sad that they’re gone. I wish they’d got to see me graduate, met Alistair. They’d have had kittens about me going off to China to kickbox, and I wouldn’t have enjoyed that, but I wish they’d been about when I came back in one piece.

    Two generations, and thousands of miles apart. My grandmother and my aunt were both nurses and then housewives. They didn’t travel anywhere near as much as I have (nor has my mother). They were both amazing cooks. There’s so much I don’t know about them, though, especially because the war was something that was never spoken about, by them or my grandfather or uncle. Our lives couldn’t be any more different – and yet, there are these tiny similarities.

    The opportunities that we have are so recent, when you think about it. And much as we might be overwhelmed by the choices available to us, at least we are not oppressed by our husbands, and families, and society’s expectations. My mother is a GP (family doctor) and she juggled that with two children. I know she felt guilty about it, but she would have been bored out of her mind at home with me and my sister and I respect her more for having a career.

    For me, I’m in a degree that didn’t exist when my mother was at university. I’ve lived in a variety of places and speak a second language. I’m not special, or unique. But the life I lead would have been unheard of 60 years ago. It would have been possible and I’m sure people did it, however without the same means of getting in touch and things that we take for granted, like wiring money, and being able to use my British credit card abroad (credit cards period) would be much harder.

    And – I’m only 24. Who knows what other opportunities will arise? I just hope I can keep being brave enough to grasp them with both hands.

    I wish my grandmother and aunt had got to see who I am now, though. I hope they would have been proud.

  • Passive Aggressive

    I went to therapy today. Perhaps I shouldn’t admit that in a public forum, but I hope those of you that read this don’t think that seeking help when you’re struggling is something to be ashamed of. I’m not going to go into the details of what caused me to end up going to see a stranger and declaring “I feel like I’m loosing my mind”, suffice to say that I was entangled in the web of a passive aggressive.

    Passive aggressive behavior is really hard to deal with. It’s acts of manipulation, done quietly so that you barely realize you’re being manipulated at all – until you notice that things that mattered to you have disappeared from the agenda, your social circle has shrunk and why is it that you’re living your life at someone else’s beck and call? I woke up to this, but some of the people around me hadn’t – they were still being manipulated. And so I started to doubt myself, was it me that had the problem? Was I being unreasonable? Therapy reassured me I wasn’t. In effect, I’m paying $100 every six weeks for someone to listen to my complaining and give me impartial advice. Here’s some of what I’ve learned.

    Identify

    Before I found myself in therapy, I didn’t know what passive-aggressive meant. If you don’t either, Wikipedia is a good place to start. Sound like anyone you know?

    Avoid

    Obviously if your boss is passive aggressive, you’re going to either have to find a new job or learn how to deal. If it’s someone who won’t modify their behavior, for instance a “friend” who as a result isn’t their passive aggressiveness isn’t really, your lab partner, or a coworker… it’s different. Dealing with a passive aggressive is exhausting, so if you can avoid them – do.

    Manage

    A passive aggressive might seek to “Divide and Conquer”, so if you hear something from a passive aggressive about someone else, it’s worth speaking to that someone to find out what’s going on there. Why would they do that? Because the bigger the group, the harder it is to manipulate. By splitting you up, the passive aggressive makes you vulnerable to their manipulation. For this reason, it’s best to avoid being alone with a passive aggressive. I lost count of the times when I agreed to or offered something when alone or on the phone to the passive aggressive and my boyfriend said, “why would you agree to / offer that?” and I didn’t really know.

    Passive aggressives often can’t believe they’re at fault; it’s always someone else behaving unfairly or putting on them in some way. This makes it hard to present a more balanced world-view to them. In my case, I know I’ve been cast as the bad guy and been complained about. The fact that I would admit some fault where she surely doesn’t has no doubt worked against me. That has been very upsetting, however I hope my integrity, intentions and the strength of my other relationships speaks for me. If someone’s never at fault, never in the wrong – but frequently wronged – doubt them. No-one is that perfect.

    Ironically, the best way to deal with a passive aggressive is to be passive aggressive in return. I don’t enjoy that, but it can be a useful skill to have. For instance, when you passive aggressive lab partner tries to get you to do the bulk of your joint report be passive aggressive back; tell them you could but you’d have to work on it at 12pm because that’s when you usually do, or that you’re really busy this week and won’t do a good job.

    Note – passive aggressiveness can be a healthy behavior in some situations – what I’m talking about here is when it’s taken to excess and becomes a way of life.

  • International Students

    There was an article in the Ottawa Citizen the other day about international students. Apparently at Carleton, 1 in 5 graduate students is an international. Of course, this averages across all subjects – my experience is that in Computer Science (and likely the rest of Science and Engineering) the ratio is higher. When I first got to Ottawa, I didn’t know any Canadians. In my office, there are two guys from Iran, a girl from China, and a girl from Taiwan.

    I don’t know any other Brits here. Which made it hard at first, as many international students seemed to stick with people from their own cultures. I remember asking my office mates if they knew any Canadians, one of them didn’t, another knew only a couple. With time, I built a network here; my friends are a mix of Canadian, Chinese and Persian. Some of them I met through university, others I didn’t. I’m surprised though, that there aren’t more Brits here. You can study abroad, in English, at a fraction of the cost of in the US. And despite international tuition fees being high, they aren’t that much more than in the UK (and the cost of living is lower – or was, until the economy tanked).

    I came here knowing no-one but an ex, who I don’t really speak to. So when we’re building WISE, what we can offer international students who’ve left behind their support network and come somewhere strange is something I think about a lot. Building a network has been the thing that added most to my happiness here, but if you’re a girl and your classes are predominantly male it can be hard to meet other girls. I hope these women come to our events and make some new connections. That’s what (I think) we’re doing is all about.