Accidentally in Code

Tag: happiness

  • Making Someplace New, Home

    Making Someplace New, Home

    tiny clay houses
    Credit: Flickr / D. Ferragamo

    I’ve had this conversation multiple times lately, so it’s time to document it. I feel like a hippocrite offering these observations, since I don’t feel at all at home in London yet, but at least I’m mindfully unhappy about it.

    Even somewhat 1-dimensional workaholics have multiple aspects to their lives (they normally have somewhere to sleep, for example). Most of us have many. Mine are:

    Career: Where am I working, what am I working on, am I learning, progressing, appreciated?
    Friends (and Family): Who do I hang out with? Who can I call if I need to chat? Do we have standing dates?
    Life Infrastructure: Apartment, commute, food, gym, airport (where can I go for a weekend?).
    Culture: Art, theatre.
    Romance: Who I’m dating, or the dating scene if I’m single.

    Typically, a move is driven by one of the big two (career, romance), but everything else changes too. You have to work to build up the other aspects of your life, or in the case of the Life Infrastructure category just accept that they are different.

    Career

    If you move for your career, that is a lot of pressure to put on your job. If your job is the major thing in your life, and it sucks, then you life sucks. Sometimes it is going to suck. I moved to Sydney for career/life infrastructure/culture reasons (I wanted to live in a city again). For the first 6 months, my career was great – I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, I got promoted, I felt stretched in the right ways. Later it kinda started to suck. And I was so grateful that I had friends outside of work, that I could call and cry on.

    And then I moved to London so that I would have a better job – I evaluated the data on what helps women in tech (essentially, a sponsor), I found it. I followed it. It was a good decision. But because this was a 1-dimensional move, I had to work extra hard on all the other aspects to make them manageable.

    Friends (and Family)

    The book I recommend to everyone who is moving is MWF Seeks BFF. It’s a book about a woman who moves to Chicago for her husband, and how she managed to build a group of BFFs. The big thing: follow up. You ask someone to do something specific, and if they say no you have to ask again. Unless they say, “no I never want to see you again”, of course. If you suggest a theatre show and they say “just not into theatre” you suggest brunch. If you suggest brunch and they tell you they don’t eat out because gluten/money suggest a walk, or a free show somewhere.

    Possibly weird behaviour, but… I read the Londonist, filter through the mass of information, and pull things that appeal to me into a spreadsheet. I add restaurants that appeal to my todo list on foursquare. This means I always have things that I can suggest someone do with me.

    I have managed to get to the point that I will follow up after one rejection, but that’s it. Maybe at some point I will manage to follow up twice.

    Meeting people, get intros, or take courses, I’ve met some great people via Twitter. If someone seems fun and you chat suggest that you get coffee together. Most people will be flattered, and what I’ve found is that there are very few people who already feel like they have too many friends.

    Life Infrastructure

    I tend to choose an apartment by deciding what is important to me, and finding something that fits those criteria. In KW, this was basically “walking distance from office, has a washing machine” – this narrowed it down to one apartment building, which made things very easy. In Sydney, I liked where my friend lived – close to downtown, walkable to work, so I just got (well, she got for me) an apartment in her building. London was harder, but also less pressing because I could commute weekly from my parents place. So, I took the train in for the week, and booked surprise (secret) hotels in different parts of town. This helped me see different parts of town, and get an idea of where I would like to live. Eventually I picked Kensington and Chelsea, now I know more people, I wish I lived in East/Central London, but it’s manageable until October.

    It’s important not to underestimate the misery of the commute. This is well documented in behavioural psychology. Long commutes make people miserable. Don’t do it.

    Other key things: I’m on a tube line that goes direct to Heathrow. My gym is less than a 20 minute walk away, and it’s really nice – a little oasis of calm in a hectic city. There are places to eat, and an M&S nearby so I don’t need to cook (or own plates). These are the things that are important for me.

    Culture

    This is the one thing about London that I have to admit is amazing. I do something cultural every week. I also did this in Sydney, but in London there’s even more. I love the small shows, and that I get to see originals of artists that I’ve seen online and loved – like Liu Bolin (the invisible man), Leonid Tishkov and the Republic of the Moon, The Architecture of Density. There is so much theatre, I got to see I Can’t Sing, which was such a disaster that I doubt it will ever be shown anywhere else, but I really enjoyed. In Sydney, I adored Cockatoo Island, and the Biennale.

    Everywhere has stuff going on. KW was surprisingly vibrant for such a small town – Ignite was a big deal, for example. Find out what’s going on, and go.

    Romance

    The second big reason to move, not that I have ever moved for this reason. If you move for your partner, you have to find a way to create a life for yourself there too. Otherwise, it’s a lot of pressure to put on your relationship, and them.

    If you move for other reasons and leave someone behind, or go long distance… it’s so hard. This I have done. I felt sad, and guilty. They can be resentful, angry. Everyone gets to have their own emotions here. It’s hard to leave; it’s hard to be left.

    The last date I went on was the one with the misogynist that I live tweeted, after which I decided to take 6 months off dating. But typically if I’m single, I try and go on dates. I have to put myself out there, and it’s a good way to see things and meet people – even if you don’t end up in a relationship with them. The thing, I think, is not to let it become a distraction. It’s easier to find date-dates than friend-dates, so don’t focus on it to the exclusion of other aspects of your life.

    In Summary…

    Your life has more than one dimension! Think about what these dimensions are. The dimensions that suck the most after you move are the places which require the most effort. Don’t neglect them.

  • 10 Ways to Develop Your Plan B

    10 Ways to Develop Your Plan B

    The Backup Plan
    Credit: Flickr / knitwick

    Following on from The Disillusionment of the Early Career Engineer, I could write a number of different things, but the thing that I find people having the biggest trouble with, that I am continually nudging people on, is the finding of other options and opportunities.

    I don’t know why. Do people view this as disloyal? There’s a big difference between having one foot out the door and knowing you have other options. Feeling trapped, I maintain, is not loyalty.

    Meanwhile, the process of having options looks a lot like having a good network. This is actually really helpful, even if you stay put. Knowing what other people are up to can help you get ideas, and contacts, and help other people – those who haven’t yet mastered the art of the plan B.

    • Broaden your network, be part of a club. There are the people you work with day to day, but other people that you can artificially create some kind of connection with. Taken a personal development course? Connect with someone or a group you were part of, afterwards. Catch up with the people you did your induction with periodically. For me, I find the groups of women I’m involved with invaluable for broadening my network.
    • Take an interest. Talk to people about what they are doing, why it’s interesting, what the biggest problems they have are.
    • Offer information. Don’t assume they must know already, an email that says, “Hey I thought of our conversation last week when I saw this <link>. Wonder what you thought about <point from article>. Anyway, hope you’re doing well.” is at best useful, and at worst shows you are thoughtful and that you remember them.
    • Say thank-you. I think it’s easy to assume that someone knows they did a great job, or that everyone really appreciated the course they ran, or whatever. But no-one tires of hearing they helped.
    • Send a complement. Similar to saying thankyou, send a brief note when you see someone recognised for something, or get promoted – “Saw your recent promotion! Well deserved, very happy for you” takes seconds to write. I’m pretty sure a email correspondence I have with a senior person comes from me regularly saying thank-you and complementing them on great stuff that they do. Try complementing speakers for talks that you genuinely love. Everyone gets nervous when they speak in public!
    • Have an abundance mentality. If there’s an opportunity but you’re not keen to move right now, or it’s not the right next move for you, recommend someone else instead. It shows that you’re connected, and helpful. Even if 6 months later it turns out you want it, it wasn’t going to be there anyway. If the timing is wrong, there’s no saving for later.
    • Stay in touch. New opportunities come from people you’ve worked with. Catch up for lunch periodically, or send an email from time to time if they are further away.
    • Ask for others. Hiring manager to someone looking for their next opportunity. Someone needing a mentor, with someone who has a similar background. Women especially I hear complaining that they don’t have a mentor, for example, but I think we could fix that for each other, if we tried.
    • Be a go to person for something. This broadens your reach. I’ve met a surprising number of people as the designated repository for depressing statistics. But I also have a lot of experience on mobile, with a depth on iOS, and people ask me for help there, too. If I can help someone, I do.
    • Reply to recruiters. Possibly controversial, but I maintain a polite “I”m happy where I am right now” or “I’m not actively looking, but I’m happy to chat” is not a bad thing. It’s a reminder that you have options, and keeps things warm. They’ll probably email again in 6-12 months, and maybe then you will be looking. It’s easier if you are sought after – I doubt I’ll put my resume through an automated screening process ever again.

    When

    The answer to this is – always. Always always always be creating opportunities and options. But sometimes it is more pressing than others.

    • You don’t remember when you last learnt something.
    • You can’t think of anything you (your team) achieved lately that you are proud of (or, at all). A sign of your own disconnection, or that there is Trouble ahead.
    • You notice time more than you used to.
    • One morning a week you always seem to get up later… and it’s a day with a meeting you dread.
    • You imagine yelling at whoever seems to be the cause of your misery.
    • You are out of empathy for people causing you stress (they are no longer humans, they are problems you are forced to interact with every day).
    • You leave work frustrated and internally (or externally) ranting, every day.
    • People seem to be asking you if you’re OK a lot.
    • Your unhappiness if affecting important relationships.
    • You leave the office in tears, regularly.
    • You find yourself realising that 15 minutes has gone by, and you’ve just been staring at the wall (you can replace “wall” with “bathroom door”.
    • You can’t come up with realistic action steps to improve your situation.
    • You can’t imagine a successful outcome to what is currently your #1 problem.

    This is a good article on toxic jobs.

  • Habits vs Tasks: I Want an App For That

    Habits vs Tasks: I Want an App For That

    A man or woman on a leash
    Credit: Flickr / Daniel Kulinski

    I have this list of “habits” that I need to make time for, on a daily or weekly basis.

    For example:

    • Get some exercise, every day.
    • Read a book, every week,
    • Weight train 2x a week.
    • Do something for just for me, every day.
    • Connect with a friend, every day.
    • Do something outside (a long walk, skiing), every week.
    • Do something cultural, every week.

    I think these things make me happier, but I have no way to know because I don’t track them in conjunction with my mood. Really, what I want is an app that will allow me to separate my “todo list” from my “habits for a happy life” list, track them, and measure my mood (and ideally import data from my activity trackers about my movements).

    The difference between a habit list and a todo list, is that there is no making up. No exercise today? Let it go, try again tomorrow. I can’t make it up. In fact I think trying to do so, is harmful – “I’ve had no life for the last six months because work so I’m going to cram it all in to my 10 day vacation”, is an example.

    I like the idea of a separate place for habits, rather than tasks. Maybe because tasks are done and forgotten, but habits are built over time? Tasks define our days, but our habits define our lives? I think of this as a place for my list, when a task list is often full of things forced upon my by other people, or by society (note to self: sort out drivers license, bank account).

    Maybe I will build this after other personal projects are finished, or abandoned.

  • Happiness is… A List

    Happiness is… A List

    dancing in the rain
    Credit: flickr / AngelsWings

    For a long time, I’ve been doing this thing where I GO GO GO like a crazy person and then crash. And I always come up with a plan, like “take on less”, or “be more organized” or some other strategy. And these are helpful, absolutely, but at best they seem to result in a different kind of crisis.

    Lately, I’ve been feeling a little burnt out. There are a number of reasons for that, but here’s the big one: I’ve not had more than 4 days off work in a row since I started in January – and that was a long weekend. And normally I’ve spent at least some of those long weekends doing non-work-work. Writing talks, papers, whatever. And I’m exhausted. I want to lie down and sleep for a week, frankly. I’ve booked a week of vacation off for early-September, we’ll be going to Nova Scotia and Price Edward Island with my parents, and I can’t wait.

    But, I’m going to come back and it’ll be GO GO GO again. We have an event for female university students coming up, plus there’s Awesome Foundation, Girl Geek Dinner, and training for… something I agreed to do a while ago and don’t exactly know what it is. A talk in Seattle. And – more travel. When I was less than delighted by the number of trips I was looking to have to make to MTV, I said, “it would be different if I was going somewhere cool, like New York”. Be careful what you wish for! Because I am, in fact, set to be making a number of trips to… (you guessed it!) New York. On the one hand, much better than MTV – shorter flight, no time-difference, a city, and I love MOMA. On the other, I find that travel tends to eat a lot of my unstructured time.

    The point of all this is, I’ve been stressed and unhappy, and thinking about what it is that I need in order to feel… frankly, less like a crazy person. Something I recently said to my manager: “I always meet my obligations. One day I’ll have a nervous breakdown because I’m insisting on doing all the things I’ve said I’ll do, which the people who asked me have probably forgotten about. And that’s how I’m going to die”.

    How about – no nervous breakdown. So I made this list of what I need outside of work to stay sane, which I’ve broken this down into: “most days” and “most weeks”.

    Most Days

    • Exercise.
    • Read something that is not digital (Kindle doesn’t count as digital to me).
    • 8 hours sleep.
    • Leave work before 7.
    Most Weeks
    • Pajama day.
    • Read a novel.
    • Read some part of a non-fiction book.
    • Hang out with friends.
    • Have date with boyfriend (Go out! Somewhere nice!)
    • Read enough stuff online to feel more aware of the world and the awesome stuff in it (measured by: 15 links worth sharing on Twitter).
    • Feel interesting enough/inspired to write 2-3 blog posts (for me, it’s a bigger problem when I don’t want to write, than when I don’t have time to write).
    • An evening of Cate-time.
    • Make progress on a non-work project (e.g. presentation, paper, coding), have an an event (e.g. AF, GGD), or some non-work learning (e.g. App Inventor).
    Here’s an interesting post on dealing with burn-out.
  • Email Once A Day

    Email Once A Day

    Email
    Credit: flickr / Bruno Girin

    Back in May, I started checking email only once a day (and sometimes not at all if I had no meetings). I had to accept that no-email days would be scarcer than I’d like, but overall it’s been a good experiment. Typically I get through it as fast as possible (< 15 mins) and once a week I have a longer purge of my “star for later” items. Here’s what I’ve found:

    Most emails do not need an instant response…

    … and if someone is trying to make their disorganization your emergency, you probably don’t want to give them one anyway.

    I loathe having a reactive workflow and do my best to avoid it. A reactive workflow is terrible for your productivity. The argument against email once-a-day is that stuff arrives that you “need” to respond to. Sure, on occasion. What I’ve found is – not often. And by not being instantly responsive you train people to be organized in what they ask of you. In a real emergency, they can reach you by other means. I’m always on IM, and I make my phone number available. What’s amused me is when people have panicked because they couldn’t get me via those means, it’s not like me checking email more often would help. I mean, sure, even if I checked email more often, I wouldn’t check it whilst giving a talk.

    For me, the stuff I want to be responsive to arrives in other places – code reviews and bugs. I can check on those things there, not in my inbox. Then it’s more deliberate, “I’ve done my current task, what am I going to work on next?”

    Fewer hours at work, no discernable change in productivity.

    First thing I noticed – that I checked email when I was stuck. Second – I felt happier. Third – I was getting more done and going home earlier. You know the last 30 minutes of the day when you’re tired and not making progress? Email is a good time-filler there. Makes you feel productive, but really just keeps you away from your non-work life.

    People miss things anyway.

    People who check mail more say that they use filters heavily. They also admit that from time to time stuff gets filtered out that they should have read. Everyone is missing stuff. When you send an email and it’s important, and you don’t get a response, you follow up. I make a point of asking people for things in person wherever possible. But no system is perfect, so I advocate doing what works best for you and makes you happiest and most productive.

    Being transparent may not be the best way.

    Not everyone is wild about my attitude to email. It frustrates me, because I feel that I’m more on top of email than most, but because I’m transparent and set expectations (you’ll typically receive a response within 24 hours, but no promises), if someone wants to they can seize on it as something to complain about (provided they don’t have to provide concrete examples). I think you could check email once a day – maybe less! And, if anything comes up just trot out some excuse like, “oh I was in the zone, I didn’t get to email yet”, or “no, I must have missed that” or “sorry, bunch of meetings”, and get away with it…

    Make the most of it while you can.

    My job title is “Software Engineer”, not “emailer”. I’m ruthless on email because I’m only interested in it such that it allows me to be a better engineer, or further certain causes (female engineers). Right now, I am not seeing any great problems caused by my attitude to email. In 3 months I’ve missed perhaps 3 things, but am happier/more productive/going home earlier and it’s not clear that short of having my phone beep with every new email I wouldn’t have missed some things anyway. I don’t know how viable this approach will be as I progress. Can a tech-lead check email only once a day? Maybe. Can a manager? Definitely not (yet another excellent reason not to take the management track).

    So for now, I’m sticking with it. And enjoying it, because I’m not sure it will be viable forever.

    eMail
    Credit: flickr / Esparta

    Interesting case-study: I’ve been doing once-a-day on my work inbox but continuing as normal on my personal inbox. Work email status: under control, pretty on top of it. Personal email status: chaos.

  • How to be Slightly Happier and get a Bit More Done

    How to be Slightly Happier and get a Bit More Done

    Help!I bought this book (Amazon) because I’m a huge fan of Burkeman’s column “This column will change your life”. He has a knack for taking a large self help book and extracting the one actually useful piece of advice – like the 10-10-10 method for making decisions. And debunking popular myths – like it taking 28 day days to change a habit. The article on email has made me think I might actually be able to get my email under control (key is the manageable 45 minute slots to tend to it). My favorite column, though, is the one on whether you’re an asker or a guesser – basically, askers are direct (and okay with no), and guessers hint. You can probably guess that when the two meet it’s not smooth sailing…

    Anyway, love the column, love the book. Spent a very pleasurable afternoon reading it, entertained and encouraged to increase my own happiness and productivity (but only slightly). Highly recommend!

  • Post Grad Rehab: May/June

    Post Grad Rehab: May/June

     

    It's the little things that matter
    Credit: flickr / Thorsten Becker

    In May I focused on feeling better about myself. I bought new makeup, two new pairs of jeans, got my hair cut and colored, and started making more effort to dress up for work. Sometimes I wear heals, sometimes I wear my new Ugg sneakers (they are fluffy inside, it’s awesome). I still keep it casual a day or two a week, but what’s important is that I’m not just wearing the same thing all the time – this is what months of living in and out of suitcases and winter did.

    I couldn’t decide what to do this month. I was thinking I wanted to focus on eating more mindfully, and contemplated the Tim Ferriss slow carb diet. But I kept thinking – I am too strung out right now to live without carbs. I’ve been thinking that my stress level would decrease and then I would be up for it. It’s not a huge change from how I eat normally, I don’t think. And then I thought – that’s not going to happen, so I should just do it for a month and my stress level will have to decrease to accomodate this breadless-lifestyle.

    On further reflection, I’ve decided against it. Wanting to be more mindful about food was enough – actually being more mindful followed. I may try the slow carb thing, but not right now.

    My focus for June – make time for small things. I worry that I spend so much time on big things that the small things just get postponed indefinitely. Small things, like breakfast in my favorite cafe with a novel for half an hour before work. Or committing to finish work before a certain time so I can go to cross-fit. Like an early night, or a lie in. A walk in the park. An evening reading a novel, or watching Desperate Housewives (it has been so long since I did this, I no longer have a computer in my living room to watch tv shows or movies on). Or reading some non-fiction regularly, rather in bursts (on planes). Getting a pedicure.

    It’s not just doing small things for me – last week I bought my teammates cupcakes. The week before I gave someone a novel that I’d long promised them but not got around to posting. I should do more things like that.

    Work is crunchy this month. The other day I somehow ended up working until 9pm – not a habit I want to develop. There’s big deadlines looming and I feel like I’m sacrificing my happiness to the higher goals I pursue. I don’t want to live like that, so this month is about taking a moment to pause, and do something small that makes me, or someone else, a little happier. Ironically, for all it’s easy to cut out small things because we’re so busy, I think taking time for small, unimportant things, makes time feel more abundant and so reduces stress.

    I might start by (finally) reading the Book of Awesome (Amazon). I’m also taking suggestions. Meanwhile – what are you focusing on in June?

  • Drawing Lines Around Your Day

    Drawing Lines Around Your Day

    Lines Color
    Credit: flickr / dOOnLoL

    Arriving, stressed, on a Monday morning the other week I decided to shut the mail tab on my browser, with no intention of opening it again. This impromptu panic started a new thing – I’m checking (work) email at most once a day, if I have a meeting. No meeting days – usually one a week – are now even better than before. I think I’m more productive, but it’s hard to quantify. Those half an hour chunks which seemed only good for going through email turn out to be surprisingly productive.

    I’m definitely happier and less stressed out by my inbox. I appreciate the good things that arrived (my patent is going through! Yay!) and get less stressed by the bad things. It could be the novelty – we’ll see how that goes. People are supportive of my eccentricity with respect to my inbox. It’s hardly a secret that I loathe email, and I’ve managed to keep the volume low by sending as little as possible.

    The worse thing that happens is that I miss something important, but if it’s that important someone will IM me. I missed meeting someone when they emailed at the last minute, which was unfortunate, but hardly the end of the world. The tradeoffs that seemed so worrying turn out to not be very bad at all.

    I think, though, that what really makes me happier is that I’m drawing lines around my day, which means that I feel more in control. It’s like not taking my laptop home with me after work. I could take it home with me and not work, which a lot of people seem to, but by not taking it home I don’t even give myself the option. It’s not, “oh I could catch up on X but I want to read my book instead” – it’s “I’m home now, what do I want to do?”

    Of course, there’s a lot of things which I don’t define as work which others might – and my personal laptop carries more than it’s share of guilt. Events to attend. Talks to prepare and papers to write. This blog. What’s important to me is that whilst I might be stressed out by having too much on, I’m not stressed out by my job. I’ve drawn a clear line in my head between what is my job, and what is not – even if it’s professionally helpful to me.

    There’s a few people at work who are legendary for their balance. They probably call it something different, but interacting with them I see that they too draw lines around their day. This is when I go home. I don’t work at the weekend.

    Those people legendary for balance? Also incredibly productive.

    My view is that that I work as long as I’ll be productive, then I leave. I don’t work later than that – at best, I borrow productivity from tomorrow. At worst, I do that and mess things up that I have to fix tomorrow. As a result, sometimes I leave at 4, sometimes I leave at 7. Overall, I don’t think I do more than 45 hours a week.

    I’m not sure it matters too much what the lines are, or where you draw them. The point is, to have some – you’ll be happier for the control.

    What lines do you draw around your day?

  • The Ultimate Productivity Boost

    Some times I believe I can fly
    Credit: flickr / R'eyes

    I checked off everything on the list last week. It wasn’t even down to the line – at 1400h on Friday all that was left was one kickboxing class. I hung out, caught up on some reading, watched an episode of Scrubs and then went out for dinner.

    And I thought about how it was that I’d achieved this, how far I’d come since I wrote this post. Had I scheduled better? Been more realistic? Said no?

    Yes, possibly all these things. But here’s the biggest one:

    I’m happy.

    Things are coming together – submitting my first paper, getting this internship, nearly being done with school (next week I will complete the tedious seminar requirement – I can’t wait). But more than that, I’m full of ideas for this summer and looking forward to it so much. I’m engaged in my research – I know exactly what my next paper will be about and I’m looking forward to writing it. The classes for the course I’m taking are a little dull, but I genuinely enjoy testing so the assignment I’m working on is fun and I like the readings too. My fitness has improved too – I kickboxed (at 7am) Tuesday and Thursday, again on Friday and went to Body Pump Saturday morning. I’ve realized that with the amount I have on and the aggressive goals I have, I need to work out first thing in the morning because later in the day I start thinking “no I need to finish this before I go to the gym” – and that’s OK, because getting up at kickboxing at 7am is not as unpleasant as I’d remembered.

    All that stuff – the organization, the lists, the goals. They help keep what I need to do in mind when I’m discouraged or overwhelmed. But I’m so excited by life right now I wake up every morning knowing exactly what I’m working on that day. And I’ll keep on top of them, because I do have a lot going on and it’s quite possible I’ll need them again soon.

    But being happy, and feeling progress being made in every aspect of my life – that’s the biggest productivity boost of all.

    Having thought all this through, I came across this article – The top 5 new Rules of Productivity – I’m not alone in this feeling! And next time I’m feeling overwhelmed, maybe instead of thinking “how can I be more effective”, I can just think about how I can be happier, instead.