Accidentally in Code

Tag: emotions

  • The Emotional Expectations of Women

    The Emotional Expectations of Women

    Credit: Flickr / fotodispalle
    Credit: Flickr / fotodispalle

    The other day, I made a complaint at a service that I pay an inordinate amount of money for. I don’t think the topic or place of complaint is relevant, so I’ll leave it out. But as I was stressing about this problem, which meant I was unable to use this service without either a large amount of hassle, or paying an extra 5GBP, I mentioned that I should have gone to the other location (run by the same company, where this is not a problem).

    Anyway, the guy responds to this by telling me I’ve hurt his feelings. I’m completely thrown by this, and end up paying up the extra money and going away, still annoyed.

    I maintain that my complaint was reasonable, and he derailed it by making it not about what was bothering me, but about him. But even if my complaint was unreasonable, how are his feelings relevant – bearing in mind that my way of expressing my complaint was expressed in a moderate tone, free from personal insults.

    Because it’s derailing – I’m not supposed to complain anymore, because of HIS feelings.

    And yet, women are supposed to be more emotional.

    It’s the double standard that is imposed on women – be less emotional, don’t cry, don’t make “emotional” decisions. But make sure you do the emotional labour of considering the feelings of the men around you.

    Men don’t have to worry about the feelings of women, because it’s been agreed (somehow) that women shouldn’t have them. But woe betide the woman who hurts the feelings of a man.

    I loathe this. I am tired of worrying about the feelings of men, how they will react to things, what kind of trouble they will cause me as a result. Demanding that women somehow be less, and more emotional is not something that we are ever going to win.

  • I Love Love Love Being a Girl

    AN AMERICAN GIRL in YOKOHAMA
    Credit: flickr / Okinawa Soba

    I’ve been in a couple of situations recently where I felt I had to apologize for, or justify my emotions.

    I contend that’s unfair – I don’t make decisions as a result of my emotions, but I do react emotionally to events. I cry – at the news, at movies, books, at TV shows. I get upset when people I invest in disrespect me or otherwise behave badly or unfairly. I think we should! I saw on Twitter lately, someone saying that people mistake kindness for weakness. It’s true. I expect the best of people. I expect them to show up, to behave honorably, to be loyal. This has backfired on me, more than once. But having that faith in people – being an emotional creature – is what makes it possible to invest in them.

    The other day, I was having a conversation about this person who I encountered who thinks you can buy people. That’s bullshit – every healthy person knows that. I do think you can invest in people though – with your time, with your energy, and with your faith in them as human beings – and that that’s how we build relationships.

    And so I absolutely adored, and was moved and inspired by this TED talk by Eve Ensler, embedded below. It is provocative, and… and true. Why do we judge people for crying? Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been emotionally affected by something. Emotions are how we connect with one another. If we don’t cry, if we aren’t affected… doesn’t that makes us unconnected islands?

    Anyway, I’m done apologizing for my emotions. I hope the video moves you, too.

    Hat tip – Kayla who has some interesting commentary on her blog.