Accidentally in Code

Tag: dreams

  • Defining Dreams

    Fuzzy cute people riding bikes
    Credit: flickr / anabananasplit

    Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture was, and remains, the most moving video I have found on the internet. It’s about how to achieve your dreams, but more than that – how to live your life.

    The thing is, I don’t really seem to have the kind of dreams he had. So from time to time I think about that lecture and I wonder how to apply it when (as I wrote here):

    …my dreams are normally very achievable – and depend more on my motivation, ability and finances than something rather arbitrary, like impressing one person for 45 minutes one Friday afternoon.

    So lately I’ve been trying to find some things to dream of – these are so far somewhat nebulous – coding, creating, inspiring other woman to want to do the same.

    What’s good is that I’m not alone in this. My friend Maggie and I have been talking about it a lot – what do we want to do? What are we worried about? How can we track down the projects that we would find exciting to work on within IBM?

    We both want to be technical, at least initially, and we’re wary of being pushed down the manager track (or some other non-technical direction) – something that seems more likely if you’re a woman. Whilst we have really different interests and passions, we both want communication to be a key part of what we do. There are technical roles that require development and communication, but the thing is, where to find them?

    Increasingly, I’m asking myself the question, what does my ideal look like?

    I don’t have a clear idea yet – development, surely, and people – but can I get the people aspect in my downtime and through blogging? Ideally part of my job or some approved activity would be working to get more girls into computer science.

    Is this too fuzzy? Do I really have to decide right now?

    The thing that scares me about big dreams is you have to commit. You have to invest yourself in acheiving them. And what if you don’t?

    The answer is in the lecture – you will still die, and you will die without an awesome story to leave behind.

    A more terrifying prospect, perhaps.

  • Dream Chasing and Prevarication

    Hire me
    Credit: flickr / SOCIALisBETTER

    Back in January, I hired someone to write my resume. It took a little longer than I thought – mostly because I took my time to make sure I was giving the responses considerable thought, and because part way though I had a bit of a crisis about accidentally mis-branding myself as an educator.

    However, I got the final version back months ago. It needed some tiny touches to finish it up – a phrase here and there, not much. But I prevaricated. Rationalized that I had a lot going on and couldn’t give it proper attention, it could wait.

    The reality is that I got myself into a cycle of thinking that next week, or next month, I would have a significant achievement to put on there. Something that would make me stand out. By the time they came, though, I was chasing my next dream.

    The thing is, a resume is not your life’s achievements – it’s a snapshot of where you are right now and the key things you did to get there. If I could get to a point where I didn’t have something I thought I could add in a month or so, I’d be cruising – and that’s not how you succeed – or I’d be dead.

    So, I sat down with my buddy and we took a snapshot. And he gave me some practice interview questions and told me – repeatedly – that I didn’t suck at answering them. We identified what might be my dream job and he has convinced me that he believes I can do it.

    Of course, I’m still wrecked with doubt. But then, when I submitted my work visa I worried I’d be deported (I wasn’t). When I got no marks back from the course I was taking, I worried I’d flunked (I got an A+). Despite the assurances I got when I was offered my internship and the fact that I’ve heard from someone pretty much every week since then, I still worry that it may all fall through before I start work on Monday. When I decided to try and get an Awesome Foundation going in Ottawa, I thought it would take months – but we’ll give out our first award next week. When I handed over from WISE I thought no-one had noticed what I’d done, and I was wrong there too. Despite my panic about TAing in French, I’ve had great reviews and the prof seemed pretty pleased with me. Although the organization for the talk I gave in French last week was something of a disaster, my talk itself wasn’t.

    My point is – I continually feel inadequate and worry about things that are, I realize, completely irrational. And it holds me back, because I prevaricate over submitting a CV for an amazing job that I might just be great at. I only have this internship because the woman in charge told me to apply – repeatedly – and let me hand in my CV late (it wasn’t done yet).

    Because I seek out people who believe in me, I’m doing OK. But I can’t always rely on other people to push me to go for opportunities that I should be seeking out myself.

    There’s this huge leap of faith. My friend tells me that I’m good enough but he is so smart, and I’ve encountered some of the people he works with… and it seems presumptuous, to put myself up there. To say that my resume is worth them spending the time reading, suggest that I’m worth the time to interview.

    Anyway, I sent it off. I guess now we wait, and see.

  • 25 and Dreaming (but less)

    Chase Your Dreams
    Credit: flickr / 3oheme

    It’s my birthday today. I am 25. I’ve not been that excited though, perhaps because I’ve opted to spend the day on a plane? Perhaps due to recent changes in my personal circumstances. I’ve had a lovely weekend in Seattle and been completely spoilt by my friend Dig… but there’s no feeling of “ooh I’m 25 now”.

    I do, though, feel like a grownup. The other day, I investigated a Visa issue, rescued a package from customs, filed my taxes, and got my car tires changed. Afterward, I felt exhausted from a day running around doing things that are tedious and then I realized – I had navigated my way around things that I had no clue how to do (and no need to do) before I came to Canada. And I had done it by myself.

    It’s a little anti-climatic. All through childhood and adolescence I had these plans for “when I’m a grownup” and it turns out that being a grownup is actually quite prosaic and dull.

    Children often seem to think that they can be anything they want to be – they just have to decide. I’ve taught kids who wanted to be “video game designers” even though the extent of their creativity was making games with lots of zombies to kill. They don’t realize their limitations, or the sheer number of people out there that want the same thing they do. At the other end of the spectrum, I remember a girl from high school who said she wanted to work in a factory – because the money factory workers were paid seemed like a fortune, it was a “good job”. That job may well not exist in that city anymore.

    Is that the most depressing part of growing up? Seeing all the things that you thought were possibilities but are now gone. I ski better than most people on the mountain, but I’ll never ski pro. I’ll never be a “dot com millionaire”, or a child prodigy, a concert pianist or a mathematical genius.

    I might run a marathon, become a firefighter, learn to speak fluent Spanish, build a company, become a UNV.

    I might not.

    Two things have hit me lately – because a quarter of a century is something of a milestone – firstly, I feel like I’ve achieved nothing in my 25 years on this planet – I’m not where I want to be. Secondly, I went to boarding school at 16 and so the realization hit me: it is getting close to 10 years of my living situation being somewhat temporary. No wonder I walk past condo buildings with lingering, longing, looks.

    Anyway, this is reality. And if I’ve realized I can’t be everything I thought I wanted to be when I was 10, at least the fraction of what I am doing is real. I am really a programmer. I really have a amazing internship starting next week. I really have been in love (with the corollary of the broken-hearted aftermath). I really have had adventures.

    And what did I know when I was 10? I wanted to go to Oxbridge, but I had barely used a computer at that point and my family didn’t own one – and it turns out, neither school is much good for CompSci. I didn’t know how to ski. My “best friend” was a total bully who constantly disparaged me. I don’t remember school being fun, rather miserable – so of course I was dreaming, I expect almost anything was better than the present.

    So… 25 and not doing so badly? If I’m behind where I’d like to be I should remember the most important thing I’ve learned – it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. And that’s been a pretty interesting ride.

  • Dream Big or Go Home

    Milky Way
    Credit: flickr / Chaval Brasil

    I’ve been thinking a lot lately about having dreams, in the context of graduating and finding a job. What is my dream job? What is the difference between a good job and a great job?

    What’s the chance that I’ll fail?

    Is that saying true, you know, the one that says “aim for the moon, even if you fail you’ll end up amongst the stars”?

    (Of course not, the stars are actually further away than the moon…)

    Teaching skiing last Sunday, I had a little girl who was desperate to go up the mountain. Once we got up there, it was much bigger and scarier than she thought it would be. She came down so close behind me, so that she could ski into me and stop if it got too scary. At the end, she was so tired and scared, she was in the back of my snowplough, holding my hands.

    Fear is exhausting. And haven’t we all been like that little girl, scared to look down the terrain we have to cross? Hiding behind someone. Not experiencing it.

    I’m trying to tell myself, that it’s okay to have big dreams. And it’s okay to miss the star and land on the moon, or even just back on earth. As long as I don’t stop dreaming.

  • Do Something Every Day That Scares You

    I wonder about this advice. Are there enough scary things out there? Would you not spend so much time scaring yourself that the necessary, but non-scary things, would get left behind?

    Perhaps I shouldn’t be taking it literally.

    Maybe, it means… push yourself – harder. Aim – higher. Dream. Aspire. Create.

    Achieve more than you knew you were capable of.

    Fail

    Be OK with failing, because if you’re not failing, you’re sat in your comfort zone.

    So perhaps better advice is – fail every day. Because, as someone said to me recently, only stupid people go home and pat themselves on the back for what they’ve achieved. If you’re smart, you’re looking at what’s still to be done / improved / created.

    I linked before to this talk by Randy Pausch’s, it’s his last lecture on Achieving your Childhood Dreams. It’s wonderful – watch it. Anyway, he talks about the dreams that he had as a child, and how he achieved them. Some of them, people said were ridiculous, and some of them seemed impossible – but he went for it anyway. When there were setbacks, he overcame them. I cried, watching this talk, it was amazing, moving, inspirational…

    At the end of it, he says that it’s not really about how to achieve your dreams – it’s about how to live your life.

    I think he’s right. If I stop dreaming, even about stuff that’s impossible or that people think is stupid. I may as well give up on everything.