Your Guide To Undermining Women Whilst Being “Nice”

With the rise of political correctness, it’s become so much harder to undermine women. One can no longer tell her to get back in the kitchen, or express appreciation for her physical attributions through unsolicited touching. These things have – bizarrely – become frowned upon. Why does no-one have a sense of humour any more?

This list of 14 strategies (try one every day for two weeks should you be so inclined!) will take the most reasonable, well balanced woman and have her questioning her own abilities. And, if she ever complains, just point out the pure intentions and the very niceness of the act.

1. It’s important that people hear her ideas in meetings, so if she says something make sure to repeat it.
2. If she doesn’t agree with you, she probably doesn’t understand. Make sure to explain. As many times as is necessary.
3. When she asks a question, be sure to really understand what the question is. For example, if she wants X’s email, make sure to understand exactly why, and what, she needs to email X.
4. If you can write code for her, do that. Ideally do this whilst she is sleeping. There is probably a biological reason for her needing more sleep, and you would hate for her to feel bad about that.
5. If she hasn’t done something the way you would have done it, encourage her to do it again. It’s a learning opportunity!
6. Make time to be extra thorough with her code reviews. Be sure that she fixes style issues in that file, and even the most tangentially related existing issues. This is how we learn!
7. When you are impressed with something she has accomplished, also express surprise. This will make her feel extra good about herself.
8. Remember, all effort is a team effort. Especially her effort. Everyone wants to be a team player!
9. Make sure you tell her how hard you are trying to help her. It is especially important to talk about this after you have done something that negatively impacts her.
10. It’s important to be transparent, but be considerate by telling her after everything is decided. Otherwise she will just worry!
11. Take care to point out if she seems at all emotional. After all, feedback is a gift.
12. Be sure to let her know what other people think of her, or might think of her. This will help her manage how other people perceive her. This can only help her career.
13. Constructive criticism of tone is so helpful! No-one wants to seem like a bitch.
14. Don’t let her push herself too much, or take on projects that might be a stretch. You’d hate to see her fail.

Thanks to Nat, Kelly and Dennie for their suggestions.

Obviously, this is satire. These strategies should not actually be used.