Highs and Lows

I said goodbye to someone special recently, and after a long walk and brunch with a friend, I threw myself a little pity-party. I bought myself flowers and two delicious artisan cupcakes from a farmers market, and blew my $100/month Amazon budget on novels, one of which I devoured whole.

Basically it was, “I’m going to be miserable today, let’s do it right.”

I find there’s nothing like a long walk for perspective and I thought about and I kept telling myself that joy and misery are two sides of the same coin. I’m miserable now, because of all the happy moments we shared. They were worth it, I think. Given time, I’ll know so.

That is the thing about loving someone – they get the power to make or ruin your day. Hopefully the person you love uses that power well, and you use that power well, but sometimes it might just be things neither of you can control.

Really, the same can be said of anything. But especially, work. Being passionate about what you do, means you will sometimes be really stressed out/upset/angry about it.

I know that is true for me. But lately, I’ve been too stressed out by it. And so I tried to give myself some perspective with this mantra I repeated to myself.

I not building rockets. I’m not curing cancer. I’m just building apps.

Which kind of worked. Well, it made me less stressed about work, but shortly after more stressed in another way.

I’m just building apps? What am I doing with my life?

This actually prompted me to think more deeply about what it is that I am doing with my life, where my priorities lie, what my values are. What would I do, if I wasn’t afraid?

Turns out, I’m still too afraid to post the answer to that.

But, what I did do – was pack away all my work-branded clothing, hoping that it would help me actualise more as an independent entity rather than defining myself so much by what I do, and where I do it.

Two weeks on, it’s helping. I was going to cheat and put my flowers in the branded water bottle I have previously used as a vase, figuring it wasn’t like I was wearing them but then I found a plastic jug instead.

And, pity party over, I’m still sad… but I’m rejoining the world.